Blue Rose
Student
- Feb 6, 2021
- 156
I had overtaken the strait of troubles, sorrow, and hard time now.
My boyfriend had overcome his hard time so, we started to talk with each other again.
And I am going to have an interview for a new part time job tomorrow, I wish everything would be fine.
Today, there was a profound discussion about the moribund(A person in a stare between life and death)
And Limbo in a suicide's mind and heart.
I can't remember details of it, however I can relate their story considerably.
I think most of members in SS have their ambivalent feeling and thought. But I feel mine are extreme things.
Surely these are related to my childhood. I can't remember that period, nevertheless I could hear some remarks about that.
So many people had cared and loved me with their sincere heart, and so many people had abused and bullied me with their pure hatred.
I had been very sensitive, very vulnerable to any kind of intense stress, anxiety and grief.
In addition, I had to endure the more than what I could have endured with my capacity.
As I had said before in my other threads, I hate and love the people in the real life.
Not only I feel resentment at them, but also understand them at once.
It is the very complicated problem & feeling.
Not only I correct my plan in my spare times carefully, but also look forward to living with my bf in a secluded village.
Not only I would never like to participate in most society and groups, but also I am interested in them passively.
It is very complicated problem & feeling so.
I am sure that I can never escape from this extreme ambivalence to life and death.
I am sure that I can never anticipate what myself will do something in advance.
Just I know what I should do. It is, Embracing my extreme ambivalence without any judgement or blaming.
I will love and hate the people and everything again.
I will attempt to taste my various days with amused heart and attempt to do CTB again.
I will smile at myself and will cry for myself again.
I will start to be confused with unsolved problems, and will reassured myself again.
Yes... I can give up neither my life nor my death for now.
I can't give up my plan for CTB and hope to die on my will. It is my meal, water, air for breathing.
I would like to take my life with my hands in the near future.
However I would not like to leave my beloved parents and bf for my lovely Grim Reaper too!
Many members of SS will understand me and this thread well.
My boyfriend had overcome his hard time so, we started to talk with each other again.
And I am going to have an interview for a new part time job tomorrow, I wish everything would be fine.
Today, there was a profound discussion about the moribund(A person in a stare between life and death)
And Limbo in a suicide's mind and heart.
I can't remember details of it, however I can relate their story considerably.
I think most of members in SS have their ambivalent feeling and thought. But I feel mine are extreme things.
Surely these are related to my childhood. I can't remember that period, nevertheless I could hear some remarks about that.
So many people had cared and loved me with their sincere heart, and so many people had abused and bullied me with their pure hatred.
I had been very sensitive, very vulnerable to any kind of intense stress, anxiety and grief.
In addition, I had to endure the more than what I could have endured with my capacity.
As I had said before in my other threads, I hate and love the people in the real life.
Not only I feel resentment at them, but also understand them at once.
It is the very complicated problem & feeling.
Not only I correct my plan in my spare times carefully, but also look forward to living with my bf in a secluded village.
Not only I would never like to participate in most society and groups, but also I am interested in them passively.
It is very complicated problem & feeling so.
I am sure that I can never escape from this extreme ambivalence to life and death.
I am sure that I can never anticipate what myself will do something in advance.
Just I know what I should do. It is, Embracing my extreme ambivalence without any judgement or blaming.
I will love and hate the people and everything again.
I will attempt to taste my various days with amused heart and attempt to do CTB again.
I will smile at myself and will cry for myself again.
I will start to be confused with unsolved problems, and will reassured myself again.
Yes... I can give up neither my life nor my death for now.
I can't give up my plan for CTB and hope to die on my will. It is my meal, water, air for breathing.
I would like to take my life with my hands in the near future.
However I would not like to leave my beloved parents and bf for my lovely Grim Reaper too!
Many members of SS will understand me and this thread well.
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