Venting ed rant

[interna]

i want to preface this by saying that i dont actually have an eating disorder, i just vomit out some meals or start getting hyper conscious about kcals every now and then .. but i don't have a real, actual eating disorder as in avoiding foods or having ed routines. i just get triggered by my weight at times and heavily wish to be underweight. but that's all i do. ive also been unintentionally uw all my life, so i think i just miss the familiarity of it

anyways, thankfully im at the cusp of a healthy weight and being underweight rn (im 52kg and 145cm) so if i only push a little bit more and either commit to starving some days or restricting my food intake, i think im gonna reach my goal weight of 45kg by december! if anything im sad that this'll mean getting more stretch marks than i already have, which im highly insecure about. but whatever, i really wanna be as thin as possible while still being functional . i really yearn to be 34kg which was my lowest weight back then, but i was like 12 so i know that, as an adult, i can't healthily reach that (not that i was healthy anyhow as a preteen kek)

i don't know what im getting at, i just hate how many calories everything has. i just had plain yogurt and it's 211 kcals??? why??? im trying my hardest to eat 800cals everyday, although i always end up going over because not eating is just too hard :(( so i just vomit dinner out whenever i can bring myself to do so. i really feel like a lazy fat pig and i envy petite bodied people a whole bunch. i think i also need to start working out because my tummy is starting to look flabby and i cant even look at it anymore without thinking of going to the gym.... of course, hard to commit to that with depression lol..... harming myself is way easier
what's worse is i can't say no to food most times as it brings me dopamine. as of writing this im eating another snack right after the yogurt, 150kcals. sigh

i wish i could be healthy and thin, i dont wanna look fat and disgusting anymore. it really makes me want to die. i hope that whenever i decide to ctb im a little bit thinner at least ill die happier

 

[EternalShore]

I hope you're able to reach a healthier weight~ :)

oh btw, according to the BMI calculator, being 34kg is underweight~ Maybe adjusting that to 38-43kg (lower side of healthy) would be a better end goal~ :)

Also, it's super duper dumb imo, but I've heard that starving yourself doesn't really work out very well~ >_< one tends to overeat when they get to eat again, one's body stores up fat (it presumably assumes there's a famine, so it needs to keep everything), and one's metabolism doesn't really change~

 

[interna]

I hope you're able to reach a healthier weight~ :)

oh btw, according to the BMI calculator, being 34kg is underweight~ Maybe adjusting that to 38-43kg (lower side of healthy) would be a better end goal~ :)

Also, it's super duper dumb imo, but I've heard that starving yourself doesn't really work out very well~ >_< one tends to overeat when they get to eat again, one's body stores up fat (it presumably assumes there's a famine, so it needs to keep everything), and one's metabolism doesn't really change~

mhmm that's true ive heard that as well...... sighs. also yes, im aiming to be 45kg after all since its like my "default" weight lolol meaning i was 45 for yeeeeaaars. im only in a healthier weight bracket now cuz i took some supplements, but i dont feel at home in my body ever since. im sure a lot of other factors contribute to that feeling too but weight is one of the easier ones to recognize.
thank you <3

 

[Kanau_Nano]

I feel pretty much the same. It's so stressful always counting calories and sometimes I'm not sure how much is in stuff so I eat very little of it. Everytime I stop I gain weight and get upset. Why does food have to be so good sometimes.

Try not to get too thin and also eat healthy. It would suck for you to feel even worse. I hope you have a good day/night