Venting (eating disorders) is anyone else ashamed that theyre going to die looking the way they are?

[true-ending]

sometimes when i remember im going to die as the same self ive always been, overweight & barely able to shower or gte out of bed, i feel a little bit sick. i wanted people to miss me.

for some context; in 2022 i was sexually harassed by someone who was attracted to me because i looked like his ex. when i rejected him he proceeded to isolate me from every friend group i was in to the point where i know about 3 people now. my depression has worsened so badly since then that i find it hard not to snap at other people or interact with people anymore, especially when i don't have my medication. since then i've had an obsession with looking slim and pretty, but also mutilating my body so nobody ever tries to use me for it again. i'm afraid i'm going to die stuck in this pathetic 50/50 dilemma.

on a related note, what are the best suicide methods if you'd like your funeral to be open casket? i know this is a selfish thing, and i'm sorry. but if anyone is comfortable answering id appreciate it
sorry for how weird and off-topic this thread is getting, my brain is going a mile a minute right now. i actually overdosed accidentally recently (only slightly, not enough to need the hospital or anything... i guess "overdosed might not be the right term") while i was trying to get a nice escape from reality. i felt hot all over and i could barely breathe, let alone think. i think for a few minutes my heart was racing as i realised i might die in my sleep until, for some reason, i remembered that i don't have anything to live for. it's the calmest ive ever been in my life. i didn't even worry about how i'd look. will it all go away when i die..? will i finally be satisfied with this filthy, tarnished body?

 

[MatiSendiri]

sometimes when i remember im going to die as the same self ive always been, overweight & barely able to shower or gte out of bed, i feel a little bit sick. i wanted people to miss me.

for some context; in 2022 i was sexually harassed by someone who was attracted to me because i looked like his ex. when i rejected him he proceeded to isolate me from every friend group i was in to the point where i know about 3 people now. my depression has worsened so badly since then that i find it hard not to snap at other people or interact with people anymore, especially when i don't have my medication. since then i've had an obsession with looking slim and pretty, but also mutilating my body so nobody ever tries to use me for it again. i'm afraid i'm going to die stuck in this pathetic 50/50 dilemma.

on a related note, what are the best suicide methods if you'd like your funeral to be open casket? i know this is a selfish thing, and i'm sorry. but if anyone is comfortable answering id appreciate it
sorry for how weird and off-topic this thread is getting, my brain is going a mile a minute right now. i actually overdosed accidentally recently (only slightly, not enough to need the hospital or anything... i guess "overdosed might not be the right term") while i was trying to get a nice escape from reality. i felt hot all over and i could barely breathe, let alone think. i think for a few minutes my heart was racing as i realised i might die in my sleep until, for some reason, i remembered that i don't have anything to live for. it's the calmest ive ever been in my life. i didn't even worry about how i'd look. will it all go away when i die..? will i finally be satisfied with this filthy, tarnished body?

I can relate to you so much. I'm overweight, slowly starts to lose interest in anything, and is still depressed.

For context: I'm a male and for a lot of time I was called weird for that (thanks AuDHD, I'm still fighting for to be diagnosed with it). I was sexually harassed by my schoolmates just because I'm overweight and I had manboobs (still the same to this day). Due to my personal problems like my dad passing away this February and the financial problems surrounding it, I've fallen to depression and had severe mood changes. I can't make a lot of friends (hence why I love being here) and still stuck here. I still feel guilty from eating something but I can't stop it. Idk if my situation ends up better, but the point is I relate so much to you. Send hugs from afar.

On a related note, best suicide method that can be done using open casket is chemical suicide. This can be used through estabilished protocol like SN method or using other medication. I highly prefer you using SN since it's better and peaceful compared to other methods of suicide, but again it depends on you. I highly suggest you do research on your suicide method before you do it. I'm so sorry for your experience in overdose. Hopefully you'll find your peace.

 

[vampire2002]

i also have an ED, but i also just feel all-around hideous a lot of the time. my bone structure, my face, blemishes, scars. looking at my face in the mirror sometimes makes me dissociate. i hate people looking at me so much that i developed scopophobia. i hate being judged, but that's all people do. i feel ashamed to be seen by other people because i do not fit the modern beauty standard, especially where i live. i was bullied for it, always somehow "lesser" than my peers (many who didn't even fit the standard themselves.) i've engrained these mean people's words into my head so much, that whenever someone does compliment me, i feel like they are lying / doing it out of pity. i feel so disgusting. i don't want to be seen, even after my death.

 

[CumbriaCTB]

I've put on a bit of weight recently (I also have an eating disorder) especially after I stopped leaving the house. I'd say my BMI is around 28 at the moment but that's just a guess since I threw out my weighing scales for mental health reasons. I'm basing my estimate on how much I've been (binge-)eating and how much the pouch has grown. I used to be slim and have near enough to a flat stomach that an adult woman can have without going down the abdominal muscle route too...

The thought of my local coroner having to poke around my flab during the autopsy is embarassing but it's not going to stop me from CTB. After all, I could slip on my kitchen floor and die accidentally (I live alone) and that would still end with the coroner getting his hands all over me and probably thinking "yuck, thank god this fat bitch kicked the bucket, no wonder she's single". People have said much worse to me while I'm still alive and it's these comments (they add up over the years) that have contributed to my desire to CTB anyway. What's one more insult after I'm dead going to do?

---

As for a method that leaves a "clean" corpse: poisoning is probably the way to go but if you can't get SN then I'd say hanging (full-suspension is my chosen method) is probably the least "violent" of the non-chemical methods since it essentially just involves cutting off the bloodflow to your brain without the major external damage that comes with cutting, gunshots, or jumping.

Drowning seems to many as a "clean" method when, in reality, fish will eat your corpse while it's in the water and the gulls will finish it off once it washes up on the beach. CTBing outdoors on dry land isn't nice either as birds will start circling sooner than you think and they tend to go for the eyes first. If you CTB indoors, make sure any dogs/cats you may have won't be able to access your corpse: it's a bit morbid but household pets have been known to eat their dead owners, particularly the head and face, on rare occasions - naturally, it's best to assume that none of these cases ended with an open casket. Again, it's relatively rare but still a risk worth considering if you're concerned about your appearance post-CTB.

Sincerely,
CumbriaCTB

 

[Forever Sleep]

I feel embarassed that I'm fat. Plus, other issues with my body. But then, I try to remind myself that the pathologist has likely seen all sorts of body shapes in all sorts of conditions. It can't be a job for the squemish. I suspect they'll just be concentrating on their job mostly, rather than making judgements.

I'm so sorry for what you experienced.