Venting Eating Disorder thoughts make me a terrible person

[deletedaccount30982]

I hate what my eating disorder makes me think. It makes me judge other people based on their looks and eating habits and I fucking hate it. I despise my mind dragging other people into my personal self loathing. They are not part of this and I feel like an absolute piece of shit with every thought that crops up.

My roommate is overweight. She has been for years but I can tell she is gaining more weight. Every time I see her my mind automatically starts to use her as reverse thinspo. Every time she eats my mind uses it as motivation for me to continue to starve myself. I absolutely cannot stand this. This is not her battle to be in and it is not my body to judge. Obviously I would never tell her this or treat her any differently but the fact that my mind even thinks these things makes me hate myself more and more every time.

 

[Sweet Tart]

Eating disorders are so much to live with. It sounds like you are judging yourself for having persistent, uncomfortable thoughts about your roommate. For me, seeing others gain or lose weight is triggering and I can understand having a reaction to what is going on, especially since you live with the person. I say this as someone who is at my highest weight ever and am horrified by my body. But I don't judge you for getting triggered by your roommate. Imo, those pesky thoughts are the disorder, not you.