Venting Easy in & impossible out

[Unending]

Isn't it odd how easy it is to come into life and how seemingly impossible it is to get out of it even when you want to? Despite the fact that I've wanted to die for years, I just can't even get myself to do it. It's the emotions for me that mess things up.

The guilt makes my Si insane to deal with, even when I feel so so confident that suicide is exactly what I'm due for. I know that my mom specifically had me to give her meaning, and without me, I feel pretty confident that the rest of her life would be miserable. So what, I should just put myself first since I'm not infringing on anyone else's rights, right? Well, it just seems that the guilt overrides any logic as my brain holds me captive to ensure other's well being, even if they are the ones who began the whole chain reaction of torture.

Good god, the fact that I've experienced life in grotesque and tormenting ways but still have clung onto it really disturbs me. I think that it would be a terrible thing if I let some other cause of death take me out rather than ctb because it feels like ctb could potentially be the way that I take control and be selflish in my steps towards relief like all the therapists and psychiatry articles say to do lol.

Anyways, yes, I imagine that this is just another generic rant and I'm sure that many of us here are feeling these types of things constantly. Oh, by the way, I literally can not get myself to eat and it has been this way for years now. Cooking feels like running a marathon. Fml, I abhor this life.

 

[alivefornow]

Not wanting to hurt others, especially my mother, is what keeps me from doing it. Eventually however, I feel like my desire to die will overwhelm any other feelings of guilt for putting others through suffering after I pass in such a horrible way. I know some people will cry, suffer, grieve, hate me for it. I'm waiting to see if I still care after my condition inevitably worsens, as it has been lately.

 

[Unending]

Not wanting to hurt others, especially my mother, is what keeps me from doing it. Eventually however, I feel like my desire to die will overwhelm any other feelings of guilt for putting others through suffering after I pass in such a horrible way. I know some people will cry, suffer, grieve, hate me for it. I'm waiting to see if I still care after my condition inevitably worsens, as it has been lately.

I feel the same way, it's just a matter of it getting bad enough to where those feelings override any guilty, thus tipping the scale. I just wish that we lived in a society where we weren't forced to get to that point because it's not a good way to go. It would be much nicer to voluntarily leave without the extra weight required to tip this now heavy scale if that makes sense.

 

[hellispink]

Life is indeed a maximum security prison for the miserable to never escape.

 

[Unending]

Life is indeed a maximum security prison for the miserable to never escape.

Right, I mean even without all the wardens (those who support incarceration of the suicidal), we still gotta find a way over the electric fence (Si) if we really want to get out.

That's the way I see it at least.

 

[downndone2]

Things were really great for me until I obliterated life as I knew it several yrs back. I even had a time it seemed things were looking up abd then bam, it all piled up again. Just overwhelmed with anxiety and depression all the time. I'm also a fucking hermit.

I am trying 2 hang on but it feels like day by day. I wish some awful accident would just take me out, so it isn't my own fault.

I don't want my kids to have to clean this mess up either. It is awful, all of it

 

[Kattt]

Speak for yourself.
My son's birthweight exceeded 10 lb ) that's 4.5 kg). From start to finish, that delivery was a little over 24 hours, involved a repair job using sutures. For some inexplicable reason, a student was tasked with repairing the remnants of my nether regions, which resembled a colander on completion.
My daughter was roughly the same, however expelling something that size tends to tear you asunder, much like pooping a basketball. Lasting for a similar duration, eventually my heart gave out. That was the first time I was hit with the defibrillator. Being certain that there would be no more crotch monsters, I demanded that the most experienced doctor or midwife present (it's been 30 years so forgive the patchy memory) deal with fixing the train wreck downstairs, adding a couple extra for good measure.
It was most definitely not easy for me personally. A consistently erratic output from the foetal heart monitor strapped to belly mountain suggested it was far from a relaxed start to her life either.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yeah- it REALLY frustrates me. It's not like I hate my parents and I can't fairly blame them for having me. I think they did it with good intentions. They likely had no idea things would turn out like this.

STILL- I've had ideation for 33 years. The main reason I'm still here is because I don't want to upset my Dad. I also see the irony that he's half the reason I've been given this 'problem' of life in the first place. (I do see life as the fundamental problem here- I have little interest in fighting to make it 'better'.)

I do REALLY wonder just how much would-be parents think about what they are doing when they bring an independent sentient being into this lottery. I'm pretty sure they don't spend 33 years thinking about it. I suspect many barely think about that child's possible life at all. Maybe I'm being unfair. I don't know. What do you suppose the odds are of living a 'good' life?

 

[FuneralCry]

I certainly hate how difficult it is to leave this world, I view it as being something that is so incredibly unfair how suicide is purposely made so inaccessible for us. A straightforward way to leave this world is certainly what we deserve the option of after being so cruelly forced to exist in the first place.

But of course it can be so incredibly frustrating and tiring feeling trapped here when one just wishes to be gone, I see existence as being a punishment and we all have to pay the price simply because other people very selfishly decided to procreate. I know that for certain if suicide was much easier I would be long gone at this point.