Venting Early SI?

[LionDad]

So my SN is due to arrive tomorrow, over a week ahead of schedule. I've been obsessing over the tracking information since I bought it last Monday, counting the days until it arrives. I don't think excited is the right word but I've seen its arrival as a positive thing. Until now.

Now that I know it's coming tomorrow, I feel strange. Anxious, yes, nervous, yes, unsure, maybe, probably.

I've been set on closing the book (personally I hate "catching the bus", closing the book sounds more in control and almost poetic) for a few months. I've tried three times in the past, two small almost cry for help efforts and one checking out effort that left me in hospital for nearly three months. I decided on sn a few weeks ago because I need three things - I need it to be clean so that nobody has to clean me up, I need it to be reliable so I don't fail again, and I need the lasting damage to be minimal incase I do fail.

It's a funny feeling today. I'm certain I don't want to stay, but not so certain that I want to go. Maybe it's because it's early or maybe it's because, tomorrow, it will be real.

I know I don't have to go tomorrow just because it's arrived, I can wait and see how I feel; I've got three years if I store it correctly. But what if this is some form of si? I never had si with my last two attempts, I don't even remember the last one - I just woke up in hospital five weeks later. I always understood, from what I've read on here, that si kicks in at the time of taking, I haven't seen anything about a pending arrival triggering it.

 

[CantDoIt]

I believe SI can trigger any time while seriously considering it. I have SI symptoms even though I'm not yet sure on when I want to go.
I don't even necessarily have a planned date, yet here I am.

 

[BlackCatCrossing]

It's natural.

 

[thisoneguy]

So my SN is due to arrive tomorrow, over a week ahead of schedule. I've been obsessing over the tracking information since I bought it last Monday, counting the days until it arrives. I don't think excited is the right word but I've seen its arrival as a positive thing. Until now.

Now that I know it's coming tomorrow, I feel strange. Anxious, yes, nervous, yes, unsure, maybe, probably.

I've been set on closing the book (personally I hate "catching the bus", closing the book sounds more in control and almost poetic) for a few months. I've tried three times in the past, two small almost cry for help efforts and one checking out effort that left me in hospital for nearly three months. I decided on sn a few weeks ago because I need three things - I need it to be clean so that nobody has to clean me up, I need it to be reliable so I don't fail again, and I need the lasting damage to be minimal incase I do fail.

It's a funny feeling today. I'm certain I don't want to stay, but not so certain that I want to go. Maybe it's because it's early or maybe it's because, tomorrow, it will be real.

I know I don't have to go tomorrow just because it's arrived, I can wait and see how I feel; I've got three years if I store it correctly. But what if this is some form of si? I never had si with my last two attempts, I don't even remember the last one - I just woke up in hospital five weeks later. I always understood, from what I've read on here, that si kicks in at the time of taking, I haven't seen anything about a pending arrival triggering it.

I tried OD'ing on Tylenol thrice, this was before i knew it had very low success rates, and the thing about it was that i knew it would only kick in hours after entering my stomach, meaning i could just blank out my mind and swallow pills without any SI, although i had some doubts before hand, i just grabbed a handful and a cup of water and kept going one after the other. Of course none of this really worked. Only one left me in the hospital for like a week (i took like 30) the one before the hospital didn't even give me any effects at all (i took like 50) and the one after the hospital was just agonizing nausea for 3 days, then nothing (took 40ish plus i od'd on my adhd meds as well). Either way my advice is to just tell urself that it doesn't take effect until after u swallow it, realize the action of taking it won't hurt u, blank ur mind, and just keep on swallowing. I know OP probably isn't reading this if they were successful as this post was a while ago, but this is just some general advice for people who may happen to come across this post.

 

[VisionW0lf]

So my SN is due to arrive tomorrow, over a week ahead of schedule. I've been obsessing over the tracking information since I bought it last Monday, counting the days until it arrives. I don't think excited is the right word but I've seen its arrival as a positive thing. Until now.

Now that I know it's coming tomorrow, I feel strange. Anxious, yes, nervous, yes, unsure, maybe, probably.

I've been set on closing the book (personally I hate "catching the bus", closing the book sounds more in control and almost poetic) for a few months. I've tried three times in the past, two small almost cry for help efforts and one checking out effort that left me in hospital for nearly three months. I decided on sn a few weeks ago because I need three things - I need it to be clean so that nobody has to clean me up, I need it to be reliable so I don't fail again, and I need the lasting damage to be minimal incase I do fail.

It's a funny feeling today. I'm certain I don't want to stay, but not so certain that I want to go. Maybe it's because it's early or maybe it's because, tomorrow, it will be real.

I know I don't have to go tomorrow just because it's arrived, I can wait and see how I feel; I've got three years if I store it correctly. But what if this is some form of si? I never had si with my last two attempts, I don't even remember the last one - I just woke up in hospital five weeks later. I always understood, from what I've read on here, that si kicks in at the time of taking, I haven't seen anything about a pending arrival triggering it.

Honestly I really like 'closing the book', I've never heard it before but it hits me a bit more and just right