Venting Dysphoria, Mental health, disabilities and life had me waiting here for SN anyhow but then this happens

[ScaredGirl]

okii so I've been tyring to balance my chakras, practice mindfullness, use CBT, toke on CBD 300mg, tried to be optimistic I always wear makeup, style my hair and dress as femme as I can. I play games, I try to find peace in the word of god and the tarot readings. I even use several crystals to try make things more bearable. I pop so many meds just to be able to sit up in the morning and get from downstairs to my wheelchair. I finallyy make a friend who reached out to me and said hey lets hang out, we can type and I'll stream a game. It was seeming to go well. Maybe this new friend won't be transphobic, abusive, sexist or just an asshole like my ex friends. I get called a shemale in like 30 minutes after disclosing that i am trans... LITERALLY wish my face, body, voice, genitalia were all cisgender female. my brain is, i am 2 years and 1 day on HRT and I am 4 years on voice therapy. ITS LIKE NOTHIGN WORKS. I feel I am the ugliest girl there is and I cant find anymore distractions from the urge to self mutilate. I have SN on the way but things like this make me lose more and more hope that maybe life is worth living, maybe there are people out there who will love me for real, want to be my friends, family and so on. But its just such a horrible world. All the beautiful things unfortunately don't make it bearable... I'm not suicidal when only in crisis. I am suicidal 24/7 365 ever since I was 14... it's been 4 days since I turned 21 and I still try my best to eat healthy, exercise, practice things, indulge in hobbies even though I dont enjoy things anymore, I try to say hey to people, express myself, kinda put myself, my art and so on out there but my life is so cursed with so many uncurable illnesses, so much trauma, damage, so much pain, neglect, abuse. So much isolation and poverty. I'd kill to not be disabled mentally and physically so I could get good at something, learn a differnt language and able to get a job somwhere. I would literally do s*x work even despite my trauma in that area just to get money to run away somewhere else where there might be people or a place with things that might make things a bit more bearable. The dysphoria doesnt end, I wasnt born pretty or with the right parts and HRT really hasnt done enough on me for me to go, wow im happy now. I know so many snobby girls who are 6 months on HRT and vocie therapy who are mega happy with themselves and I look at them and go DAMN i'd kill for their bodies and their voices. Anyhow, dysphoria, transphobia, homophobia, disabilities, autism, adhd, fibro, ed, eds, derpression, anxiety, cptsd, the state of the world. I try to take things one day at a time and focus on the positives and I try to use whatever time I have left to make the world a better place for others but I just haven;t found anything that really keeps me here without using guilt....

I wanted to be a doctor and help lots of people but from secondary school teachers bulllying me and parents not being there to help my grades were doomed, 100% marks on lower tier is still only a C. need Bs for science. errrrrrrr

 

[Scrubs2016]

I too am a disabled wheelchair user, my E.D.S, fibromyalgia and schizoid personality disorder are a pain in the ass, couple this with A.S.D. and some days its literal. I have spoken and helped a fair amount of trans, both trans male and female and the one thing I can say is they all struggle in some way. People in general, so called 'normal' people, have no concept of what it means to be trans. I have a passing understanding, but as I am not trans then I can only offer advice within my limits. I have had friends in the past that don't understand why I talk to 'those people', they soon become ex-friends. By the look of it, you have survived for over 7 years, which means that you have a strong will. You continually put up with abuse, yet you are still here. You haven't given up being trans, that takes willpower in itself. You are right about focusing on the positives, the world unfortunately cant help being a dick, its just the way it is.

If you haven't already, find a forum / website which is LGBTQ+ orientated as the community will support with your transition and be able to answer most of the questions you may come across, they will also understand rants :)

Have you given any thought to going back to adult learning centres and retaking the courses now? If you want to be a doctor, then go for it!

"We are what we are because we have been what we have been, and what is needed for solving the problems of human life and motives is not moral estimates but more knowledge." –Sigmund Freud

 

[ScaredGirl]

I too am a disabled wheelchair user, my E.D.S, fibromyalgia and schizoid personality disorder are a pain in the ass, couple this with A.S.D. and some days its literal. I have spoken and helped a fair amount of trans, both trans male and female and the one thing I can say is they all struggle in some way. People in general, so called 'normal' people, have no concept of what it means to be trans. I have a passing understanding, but as I am not trans then I can only offer advice within my limits. I have had friends in the past that don't understand why I talk to 'those people', they soon become ex-friends. By the look of it, you have survived for over 7 years, which means that you have a strong will. You continually put up with abuse, yet you are still here. You haven't given up being trans, that takes willpower in itself. You are right about focusing on the positives, the world unfortunately cant help being a dick, its just the way it is.

If you haven't already, find a forum / website which is LGBTQ+ orientated as the community will support with your transition and be able to answer most of the questions you may come across, they will also understand rants :)

Have you given any thought to going back to adult learning centres and retaking the courses now? If you want to be a doctor, then go for it!

"We are what we are because we have been what we have been, and what is needed for solving the problems of human life and motives is not moral estimates but more knowledge." –Sigmund Freud

I have EDS fibromyalgia and ASD too and they are just so agonising to live with even typing hurts, im sorry <3

 

[shadowchaser]

I wish I could say or do something more to help you.
I'm so sorry you're going through this; I can't imagine how difficult it must be. You're so strong for continuing to try to put yourself out there.
Does your school know about your situation? Perhaps they may have some resources or be able to be more lenient with due dates or assignments so that you might still have a chance of pursuing your dream?

 

[adam&eve]

What you're going through just isn't fair. I am sorry. Life can be a bitch.

 

[Scrubs2016]

'What do you mean you don't have any energy, you just slept for 15 hours....'
'Your lucky to be sitting down' - yeah you dumb fuck, come here while I break both your legs and spine, see how lucky it is
'Would he like sugar in his coffee' - I don't know ask him (points to me)
'I'm just going to move you out of the way as I need to get to the {insert item here}' - {brakes on} yeah let me push YOU back!
'Your not disabled, I saw your legs move!' - I saw your mouth move, doesn't mean your intelligent!

and on a final note:- Wheelchair users do it sitting down!!