Venting Drunk and desperate

[VisionW0lf]

My bus is arriving soon. I bought my rope yesterday (6/11). It's cotton so it may be a bit stretchy but it's soft and it will hold my weight (I'm looking into partial hanging anyway). I'm so tired of this pain, emotional and physical, and still no answers or relief. I've really, REALLY tried to make things better for myself for half my life and it doesn't go anywhere. I've been on every anti-depressant/anxiety medication known to man, only substances dull it a little. I don't want to be dramatic, I don't want to waste anyone else's time. I last tried CTB 12 years ago and there hasn't been one single day I'm glad I survived. Just "doing what I'm supposed to do" until I get in some horrible accident or something. But I can't wait for the universe to do it for me. I can't keep the mask up for another 50 years. And I can't depend on everyone else forever. I know it will cause pain to others but I reallllllly don't think it will be nearly as much pain as I've been in for as long as I can remember. I've always had to sit here and suffer to keep everyone else happy and I've had enough. I've always felt WRONG. I feel it in my bones and it needs to stop.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you've suffered so much, I understand why you'd feel so tired but anyway I hope that you find the freedom from the suffering you search for.

 

[SVEN]

Best wishes in finding some peace and rest.

 

[Goosechan]

I don't think you're being dramatic or wasteful of others time and through your post it echoes that you tried so many different things to carry all the suffering you've experienced. You must feel very tired indeed.
I hope you find what you are looking for
We're here if you wanna chat some more or just feel less alone.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

you sound like a really empathetic human. I am too. carrying other's emotions and masking for them continually is hard as fuck.

I hope you find what you seek. we're here for you if you wish to update