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wait i'm goated
- Feb 12, 2023
- 261
i've never willingly tried alcohol or heavy drugs or anything. i grew up a complete loser and i never leave my room because i have nowhere to go and no one to see. plus, i'm not old enough to buy alcohol or anything. i've always hated the thought of not being in control of my body/mind; but that doesn't really matter now. i'm barely in control of my mind, i'm always breaking down and harming myself—it's all the same.
i can access drugs and alcohol now, and i think i should try it and replace my current addictions. everything is just boring now. no matter what, i'll be harming myself.
i grew up around addicts, my mom was an addict who died of an accidental od when i was 12; i'm the one who found her dead body. i witnessed her struggling to keep herself up while doing anything. throughout my childhood, i had to sit in the passenger seat and shake her constantly because she was nearly passing out while driving. she took me to drug deals and hangouts where she would get high with her friends while i just watched (unless she felt righteous enough to make me go to a different room). she gave me drugs, made me do drug tests for her and her friends, stole heavy pain and anxiety meds that were prescribed to me, made me lie to doctors so i could get even heavier shit prescribed. i watched someone else's addiction ruin everything in the lives of so many people, it's such an ugly thing. i say this to emphasize the fact that i know the risks, i know how horrible it is, and i don't really care. obviously, witnessing a drug addiction isn't the same as actually having a drug addiction, but still. i have nothing to live for, i'm still just waiting to die. i want to rot and rot, go on a downward spiral until i can finally die. none of my coping mechanisms work anymore, they make everything worse. i just want my mind to stop or go somewhere else. i'm tired of constantly feeling lonely and overwhelmed by the same shit
i'll be suffering no matter what. i'll just be breaking down because of my loneliness, i might as well be high while doing it.
i can access drugs and alcohol now, and i think i should try it and replace my current addictions. everything is just boring now. no matter what, i'll be harming myself.
i grew up around addicts, my mom was an addict who died of an accidental od when i was 12; i'm the one who found her dead body. i witnessed her struggling to keep herself up while doing anything. throughout my childhood, i had to sit in the passenger seat and shake her constantly because she was nearly passing out while driving. she took me to drug deals and hangouts where she would get high with her friends while i just watched (unless she felt righteous enough to make me go to a different room). she gave me drugs, made me do drug tests for her and her friends, stole heavy pain and anxiety meds that were prescribed to me, made me lie to doctors so i could get even heavier shit prescribed. i watched someone else's addiction ruin everything in the lives of so many people, it's such an ugly thing. i say this to emphasize the fact that i know the risks, i know how horrible it is, and i don't really care. obviously, witnessing a drug addiction isn't the same as actually having a drug addiction, but still. i have nothing to live for, i'm still just waiting to die. i want to rot and rot, go on a downward spiral until i can finally die. none of my coping mechanisms work anymore, they make everything worse. i just want my mind to stop or go somewhere else. i'm tired of constantly feeling lonely and overwhelmed by the same shit
i'll be suffering no matter what. i'll just be breaking down because of my loneliness, i might as well be high while doing it.
