Venting Don't Wanna Live; Too Scared to Die

[WhatMightHaveBeen]

My hopeless financial and existential situations haven't improved and are, in fact, getting worse, but I just don't feel like CTB anymore. I don't even feel like "going to sleep and just never waking up." It's freaking me out and I'm feeling frantic. Don't want to face life, but afraid to die.

Maybe I need Russia to invade the U.S. or another NATO country or China to invade Taiwan or some other blatant WW3 event to push me over the edge. Honestly, I think if I could have some overt move like that happen, I'd have the courage to escape my family and attempt to buy opioids on the street, guaranteeing eviction and homelessness, and risking arrest. For now I'm just a coward in limbo.

 

[Roseate]

I'm sorry, that sounds awful. Financial stress is a huge burden. Have you looked at all your options? Maybe some shelters and applying places? I don't know your situation but figured advice can't hurt.

 

[rx2k]

extremely felt. i cannot bring myself to actually end it but i also dont want to continue on. im always wishing for a disaster to occur and for me to be affected so i dont have to carry the weight of knowing i died, on purpose, aware that i did that to myself.. i have been feeling that way for almost a decade.

as freaky as it feels its totally normal to feel that way, hopefully they wont stick to you longer than wanted. i hope you are okay and hope you find out what you may really want to do while having thoughts like this.

 

[WhatMightHaveBeen]

Well, the world continues down the path of nuclear annihilation and I'll be keeping track of that in this thread.

I am still on track to bankruptcy and homelessness, but I just got some more cash help from a relative that will help retire a debt that will help keep me afloat for a few more weeks. But they have been dipping into their retirement funds to help me along, and I feel awful about that. My future still looks very bleak. I'm not making enough money. I don't know how much longer I have to stay with these relatives.

Yet I still don't want to shoot myself in the head or hang myself or poison myself. And every night when I go to bed, I try to imagine if I'd really prefer just to die in my sleep, and I don't think I do. I had nearly $1 million in assets a couple of years ago, and I could have been spending all my time now debt-free, in my own place, and getting high until the missiles start to fly. But instead I'm jobless, in crippling debt, unable to get high, and just waiting for homelessness then extinction. The regret over missing out on at least being financially free in whatever time humanity has left has me nearly catatonic. And that's added to the regret I have over quitting a great career 15 years ago. But as depressed and afraid as I am, I'm not quite suicidal.