At this point in my life, I ask myself, "Why do I even waste my time?" The more medications, the more talk therapy I do, the more I work on myself and the more I put up with my façade to make "friends", I always end up in the same miserable point in my life.
Even my therapist agrees that, in my relatively short 18 years, I never had a sense of complete wellbeing. Since birth, my soul has never felt safe in this fucked up world. And its fucked up that I am expected to live without any will to. When did I consent to live in a world where, no matter how much I try, happiness is excruciatingly hard to attain?
Exactly a month ago was my first CTB attempt via suffocation. Conveniently enough, the tree in my backyard fit my height.
I hate that society expects me to be strong, to be a man, to get my shit together. Yet most don't know what it's like to live with a debilitating illness, always feeling like the outsider in any social context and having to put up with scummy people. My girlfriend dumped me a month ago. But what hurt most of all was the fact that she was saying nasty things about me behind my back. Relationships don't feel genuine anymore.
Something has always been wrong with me. It's hard to explain, but it's the feeling that no matter what you do, no matter what you say and no matter where you are, failure always follows no matter how hard you try. I have been fighting with the same problems of impulsive behaviors and loneliness for YEARS. Trying everything possible to help myself and get help from others. Working out, writing reading, meeting with new people, volunteering, trying to find work, scheduling. Yet nothing works.
I am convinced the world wants me dead. None of my "friends", that I've put so much effort into sustaining relationships with, talk to me after my attempt. Deep inside, they believe I did it for attention and don't give a shit if I die. I am lonely once again and back in the state of how things always were.
Everyone on this forum probably knows how frustrating it is when people call suicide selfish. Who should I care for? The people who stabbed me in the back at the worst moment? The cruel world that doesn't give a fucking shit about your wellbeing? The world will move on, and I'll just be a statistic forgotten in history.
And people might say that I complain too much, or that I'm ungrateful for the things I have, or that I'm just lazy and don't want to do anything to improve myself. People can think whatever they want. But if that's the case, why not just euthanize me, so I won't be a burden to others?
FML.
Even my therapist agrees that, in my relatively short 18 years, I never had a sense of complete wellbeing. Since birth, my soul has never felt safe in this fucked up world. And its fucked up that I am expected to live without any will to. When did I consent to live in a world where, no matter how much I try, happiness is excruciatingly hard to attain?
Exactly a month ago was my first CTB attempt via suffocation. Conveniently enough, the tree in my backyard fit my height.
I hate that society expects me to be strong, to be a man, to get my shit together. Yet most don't know what it's like to live with a debilitating illness, always feeling like the outsider in any social context and having to put up with scummy people. My girlfriend dumped me a month ago. But what hurt most of all was the fact that she was saying nasty things about me behind my back. Relationships don't feel genuine anymore.
Something has always been wrong with me. It's hard to explain, but it's the feeling that no matter what you do, no matter what you say and no matter where you are, failure always follows no matter how hard you try. I have been fighting with the same problems of impulsive behaviors and loneliness for YEARS. Trying everything possible to help myself and get help from others. Working out, writing reading, meeting with new people, volunteering, trying to find work, scheduling. Yet nothing works.
I am convinced the world wants me dead. None of my "friends", that I've put so much effort into sustaining relationships with, talk to me after my attempt. Deep inside, they believe I did it for attention and don't give a shit if I die. I am lonely once again and back in the state of how things always were.
Everyone on this forum probably knows how frustrating it is when people call suicide selfish. Who should I care for? The people who stabbed me in the back at the worst moment? The cruel world that doesn't give a fucking shit about your wellbeing? The world will move on, and I'll just be a statistic forgotten in history.
And people might say that I complain too much, or that I'm ungrateful for the things I have, or that I'm just lazy and don't want to do anything to improve myself. People can think whatever they want. But if that's the case, why not just euthanize me, so I won't be a burden to others?
FML.
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