Don't feel safe here anymore

[copioushopelessness]

hi lurkers.
When I found this site accidentally I thought, wow people who understand my pain. I honestly didn't consider that there would be lurkers, bad actors, bots, and trolls. Didn't care atm. I hope anyone I know doesnt come across this. Might lose and destroy my phone before it's all said and done.
I have been so naive about a lot of things.
I wasn't a chronically online person until I got this messed up. Now all I do is read posts here and doomscroll fb without actually paying attention to anything.
I haven't been able to think straight for at least a year now.
I guess I just didn't care about privacy anymore which was something I valued most. What's privacy in this day and age anyway.
Now I kinda don't feel safe here anymore but still can't shut up. Idk I was quiet for so long I snapped. Maybe I should disappear into oblivion but have already said too much.
I wish I could delete posts.
The recent youtube video made about this site doesn't help how I feel.
I wish I had a tight knit group of friends who absolutely feel the same way.
I hope that people find a way to get better, but at the same time I think I respect people's right to choose. I'm just so confused all the time.
Much love to people who are truly suffering. Try not to make any rash decisions. If you can find meaning in this world please do. I wonder, is there meaning to our suffering...
I envy people who have family and friends, even if they are assholes. Being completely isolated as long as I have been is enough to make anyone go insane.
I both feel bad for and envy people who have literally anything. A shitty job that preoccupies their time. A car. Pets. Hobbies. Passion even if it's anger or hate. I can't even feel anymore besides despair and apathy.
I still have empathy but don't know how to express it anymore. I feel like all I can say is "I'm sorry"
I used to have a thousand thoughts per minute now I can barely form one. My brain is now slow gibberish. My dreams are vivid but make no sense. I can't even fall into deep sleep anymore. I feel like I'm dreaming while half awake. I jerk awake constantly. I used to escape and sleep my life away, now I barely sleep.
I used to feel my feelings so passionately that I even miss the negative feelings because it was something.
I feel this way constantly, there's not a moment that goes by where I don't feel this.. I used to have good moments. I always had suicidal ideation but the fear of death kept me going. Now I'm afraid of living. But every time I feel like I'm really close to doing it, I'm like, maybe I should keep trying, knowing full well the next day will suck.
The only thing keeping me here is not wanting to hurt two beautiful amazing innocent people.

 

[coolliontigerragged]

A lot of what you wrote sounds like what happens when someone has been isolated and hurting for a long time. The brain fog, the sleep issues, the doomscrolling, feeling like you can't think straight anymore. That kind of exhaustion is real.
You're not naive for wanting a place where people understand you. Most of us end up online more when things get bad because it's one of the only places we can actually say what we're feeling. Thats sure as hell why I'm here haha...
The part where you said you stay because you don't want to hurt those two people really stuck with me. The fact that you still care about them, and about other people suffering, says a lot about you even if you feel numb most of the time.
You're not the only one who feels like this, even if it feels that way. I'm really glad you're still here and talking.

 

[woofwag]

A lot of what you wrote sounds like what happens when someone has been isolated and hurting for a long time. The brain fog, the sleep issues, the doomscrolling, feeling like you can't think straight anymore. That kind of exhaustion is real.
You're not naive for wanting a place where people understand you. Most of us end up online more when things get bad because it's one of the only places we can actually say what we're feeling. Thats sure as hell why I'm here haha...
The part where you said you stay because you don't want to hurt those two people really stuck with me. The fact that you still care about them, and about other people suffering, says a lot about you even if you feel numb most of the time.
You're not the only one who feels like this, even if it feels that way. I'm really glad you're still here and talking.

Yeah I agree, as someone with AVPD when I self-isolate I feel all the same. It's so, so hard to break out of is the only problem.

But OP, you said you don't want to hurt two innocent and beautiful people. Are they people you can talk to? Do things with? Maybe even if it's just to be in the same room for a bit? And if they have cars, they could take you places.

I can't promise things will get better. But it will change. Eventually different feelings will happen, it is inevitable. They may be good or bad, but the numbness will not last. Especially if you don't give it the room to.