Discussion Does your mind swing between wanting to live and wanting to CTB?

[Forever Sleep]

Not really. My mind is pretty consistent that death is my best option. So much of life just seems to be about dragging myself through. Not that I don't enjoy certain things. But, they don't compensate enough for the rest of the shitty stuff that needs to be done. For me, it's more like- how long will I have to keep this up? (I want to wait for my Dad to go first.) Can I do it? How bad will it potentially get? And, when the time comes, do I actually have the guts to CTB?

 

[unnamed2]

@cupcakesandmilk i would like to live but with my anxiety and social phobia its just a pain. All my life i feel that pain.
It has damaged my whole life.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Do you have those little moments where you feel as if life isn't so bad after all, no matter if it's something as small as eating your favourite snack, before you snap out of that little bubble and look around you only to realise that you can't just live off of doing what you were at that moment?

I'm sure this applies on an even larger scale to a lot of people out there, as in swinging between wanting to live and wanting to CTB.

Not much else to say apart from this; have a great day or night ahead.

That's literally me. Life is not too bad, I want to live but if I was dead that would also be beneficial - all problems solved.

 

[hatedavoidant]

For me, it doesn't. Even when I'm happy I'm aware it will end soon, and I still want to ctb. It doesn't change

 

[Unknown21]

Yes, I think so sometimes. Indeed, if there were no severe pressure or suffering in my life, I would live longer, but unfortunately the essence of my life is suffering and pain.

 

[simplymiserable]

Definitely, life could be a beautiful thing it's just that I've screwed up mine and am in a bit of a rut at the moment. Somedays it's fixing yourself gets tiring to the point you start wondering, "why bother?"
Would really love to see a day where the darkness is gone and I can vibe in a frequency of peace.

 

[Houkki6404]

Do you have those little moments where you feel as if life isn't so bad after all, no matter if it's something as small as eating your favourite snack, before you snap out of that little bubble and look around you only to realise that you can't just live off of doing what you were at that moment?

I'm sure this applies on an even larger scale to a lot of people out there, as in swinging between wanting to live and wanting to CTB.

Not much else to say apart from this; have a great day or night ahead.

Yeah
Every time I drink Boba tea it makes me want to be alive tbh LMAOOOOOO
Other than that I just swing from thinking of ctb to not think of ctb (not necessarily wanting to live ya know? Just not thinking about it)

 

[wsx-rt]

Do you have those little moments where you feel as if life isn't so bad after all, no matter if it's something as small as eating your favourite snack, before you snap out of that little bubble and look around you only to realise that you can't just live off of doing what you were at that moment?

I'm sure this applies on an even larger scale to a lot of people out there, as in swinging between wanting to live and wanting to CTB.

Not much else to say apart from this; have a great day or night ahead.

I had hesitations, but they passed, and I made a decision for myself - this is STB

 

[supertrianguloid]

I can relate to these feelings, I think about it like 'global' and 'local' state. Even if the 'global state' (state of my life in general) is poor, if I'm concentrating on something deeply and lost in the moment, every other worry falls away because there isn't anything other than the thing that is currently being done. Does anyone else experience this with their activities? I'm trying to cultivate that state more and more.

 

[jacobryan]

Yes, every single day. I have a lot of good things going right now. But in the back of my mind, I know it's only a matter of time until those things blow up in my face and I'd rather end it before that happens. But I don't want to leave those good things, ya know?

 

[Abyssal]

Yes, quite often. Mostly ctb though.

 

[steppingoff]

Is say that I am always moving two steps toward CTB and then one step baxk

It generally means that at one point two steps forwars will mean stepping off and there is no possible step back

I really don't have thoughts that life is okay to live it's just how many steps do I have left

 

[Silent_cries]

Yes. Although for me it can be periodically too. I can have a rly good period where I am no t sui cidal at all, and then I can have a rly ba d period where I am very sui cidal. Regardless it will always come ba ck bc I am chr onically sui cidal.

Nowaday s I am very sui cidal but mostly passi vly bc I have no energy to att empt anyway but also bc I am pretty determined to att empt recovery again. I still am in dou bth about it sometimes though.

 

[Malaria]

Yes

 

[goodoldnoname923]

Yes,yes it does sadly and i hate it

 

[SOU_P]

all the time! some days i break down over the tiniest shit n just wanna die for bein a pathetic asshole, other times i feel damn good, like the world couldn't get me down. ye ain't alone, aye!

 

[xinino]

The day you realize that suicide is greatest form of sacredness, you will never reconsider life again.

 

[BlankFace]

Nope.

 

[deathviahanging]

always, and it's super frustrating, wanting to CBT but avoiding it due to wanting to be around a certain person

 

[I'm scared]

Yes
I didn't come on here for months ,tried going out ignoring my physical illness that my doctor will not help with and has now deregistered me due to telling the receptionist to f**k off ,I accepted that most days I couldn't eat and would be gaming all day usually staring at the screen but I can't take anymore so hopefully it's time soon

 

[MyNameIsRavi]

Practically all the time for the past few months. Sometimes on an hour-to-hour scale and other times it's on the timescale of days. For the past few days I haven't felt like dying despite thinking about logistics of it, but tonight it kinda just hit again.

Makes me wonder what would happen if I had to access to an easy, no prep-needed kind of method like a gun or N. Would I still be here? My preferred method atm is SN and while that requires fasting, i normally fast anyway so SN may as well be the same as making a cup of nesquick.

I guess maybe it scares me because it makes me second guess my choice to live or die alot.

 

[FuneralCry]

No, I'd never want something so undesirable and dreadful as existence no matter what, existence itself is the true problem for me and I'm always and only wishing to be permanently unconscious. I don't see any value in being burdened with existence especially as there are no disadvantages to peacefully not existing, I really wish I never existed at all and I never would have chose existence.

To me human existence is the most futile and torturous abomination that I'd always prefer to avoid, it's a terrible tragedy how humans actually choose to impose decades of meaningless suffering onto others in the first place, I see procreation as extreme cruelty.

 

[river]

very often. it's almost like a depression relapse that happens every couple of months, which really sucks because just when i feel like i'm making good progress in improving my mental health (which has been a massive struggle over the years), the thoughts end up coming back and it all feels pointless really.

 

[AnonThinker]

Do you have those little moments where you feel as if life isn't so bad after all, no matter if it's something as small as eating your favourite snack, before you snap out of that little bubble and look around you only to realise that you can't just live off of doing what you were at that moment?

I'm sure this applies on an even larger scale to a lot of people out there, as in swinging between wanting to live and wanting to CTB.

Not much else to say apart from this; have a great day or night ahead.

It's a daily struggle. I think about ctb on a daily basis, multiple times a day. I've done the looking into buying what the pph recommends (impossible to find in my country) But I won't do that to my mom. However, once she's gone, all bets are off.