Does your hopelessness ever "loop around" to where you feel so bad that you can't even be arsed to ctb?

[bitofftoomuch]

It's like, at a certain point of depression I just hate everything and ctb isn't exempt. I can't describe this as "feeling better" because if anything I feel worse. ctb feels stupid the longer i think about it. The longer I think about it the more I'm convinced it's just a waste of time. You would think that means i've got some plan for life and recovery right? Not so in my case. I just can't let go of wanting stuff I'll never have. I cross my fingers hoping some freak accident will unalive me, or that some crazy windfall of good fortune will make me enjoy life again. I'm simply too exhausted for recovery OR ctb; I want someone or something to take the decision out of my hands.

 

[Moniker]

Yeah, I remember a few years back there were a few weeks where I sat in bed for the entire day. Once I felt a bit better, the first thing I did was a partial hanging attempt.

Now, it's more like I don't see the point in preparing to ctb. I know my mood is just gonna shift and I won't be able to do it when the time comes.