My parents abandoned me in a care home years ago. They lied to my brother about what had happened to me. said I was working in a well paid job and wanted nothing to do with him .I found all this out when I was perusaded to contact him by my psychologist,the shock of what he told me my parents are really like caused me to end up in a psychiatric hospital as I stopped sleeping and was pacing around my backgarden, The police were called by neighbours who saw me like that and they took me to hospital. When I got ill, all my so called friends stopped phoning me.
When I was years younger I experienced abuse and violence by other people that altered how my brain developed according to the psychiatrists if you take any store in what they say . I am chronically mentally ill, suicidal , cannot control my anger ,not had a relationship for twenty years, been completely isolated, now reached the stage I can no longer look aftermyself and need to be in a 'facility'.... The truth is I despise myself more than other human beings which is a whole other thing but got to admit I hate human beings quite a bit as well. I can only go by my life experiences, but they all lie, are selfish, abusive if they see you are vunerable, button pushers, shallow. I can find things every day that disgusts me even more, people who have no regard for the law, people who abuse animals and children, and on a more minor level, people who cycle on pavements, people who cannot tear themselves away from their electronic devices, passing wind around ,people who care nothing for their neighbours and blast loud music, I want to smash them all up,seriously hurt them. Yes thats the other side of me, I want to really hurt other human beings, I have to keep that under control every day those urges. People talk about sucicial urges, I have them too but I have other urges to harm others. Iam not afraid to admit it, as the mental health team the police know about my past episodes,apparently it's part of my illness to be so angry .I get told it isn't my fault it's genetic or it's because of your shit life as a child , but I think it is my fault , as if I had realised as a child just how nasty other human beings are I would have not have been so naive I would have fought all of them. The truth is I pathetically wanted to be liked to be popular so I debased myself to be included. Pathetic.
I actually don't think I will ctb calmly, with a plan, I have noticed when I have an episode I will keep digging a bigger and bigger hole for myself until my rage has exhausted me so much I can only sit on the floor until the police eventually turn up and handcuff me. I think one day I will just not exhaust myself, something or someone will really push a button and I will be so angry I will be like 'F YOU' and throw myself off a cliff swearing my head off.
