Venting Does looking at pictures of yourself as a child pain you?

[Neptunette]

I have kind of forgotten everything about my past. Everything feels blurry, almost as if it was all made up. I forgot I was even a child at some point. It hasn't even been that long, I'm still considered young.
Recently, I found some old pictures of myself as a little girl and I broke down crying. I had no idea what was coming, what the world was really like. It didn't even feel like that was me. However, even though it was almost like I was looking at pictures of a random child, I guess deep down I must have felt she was me, and that she is gone now. I don't cry looking at random children but I don't remember the last time I have cried for myself. Must have been a combination of the fact that I do know that there is something tying myself to her and that I feel so disconnected from that kid that I didn't feel selfish for shedding a tear.

 

[December]

i feel the same

 

[SecretDissociation]

I sort of feel sick. I hate myself and my body so much it pains me to look at pictures of myself. I feel embarrassment. But also I feel the pain I felt back then and sometimes I feel that back then wasn't real. I just want to stab my past self and kill them.

 

[Hollowman]

I'm too numb at this point to feel much of anything, but it used to hurt looking at those pics. I was happy often as a kid.

 

[cold_severance]

no, i just want to kill him, thats all like coup de grace.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I hate seeing old photos of me bc they remind me of so much better times.

 

[Forever Sleep]

More because the relatives I am pictured with are dead and I miss them. So- that's more bittersweet. I don't exactly miss being that child though because- things were already bad by that point in most cases. I'm just as glad my childhood is over as the rest of my life to date to be honest! Although- I did have some good times too, to be fair.

 

[LunarPyotr]

I can relate to this and that's why I just forgotten everything and deleted all old pictures and videos from my file server.
However, sometimes my brain reminds me of certain events that were not so good like the time where I wanted to dive a bit when I and my mom were on the beach but then they just didn't allowed me to do that.
Or the time where it was Christmas eve and my mom, dad and grandma started fighting and I just decided to quietly run away for the day and spend the day with my friend playing some games on his jailbroken ps3 and making some music with him on FL Studio.

 

[Slow_Farewell]

I think more wistful than anything. a mixture of all the reactions already expressed. Kinda feel "oh wow, where did that bast*rd go?", "life was soo easy back then", or even @cold_severance's "Kid, you'll thank me for this later" then kill the little turd...

Then there's a moment when I try to figure out where it went to hell but I just end up with a headache.

 

[Tired_of_myself]

see kids photo feels kind of unreal… its been so long

But how do you feel and you see present photos? I hate my body… its so sad

 

[EvisceratedJester]

While looking at photos of me when I was younger does weird me out a bit because of the idea that I used look like a tiny little dumbass instead of the tall adult dumbass that I am today, I generally feel neutral when looking at pictures of me as a child. It doesn't help that at some point around my tween to mid teen years my face just stopped changing so I don't too different now than I did back then.

I do sometimes feel disappointed in knowing how of a loser I grew up to be, but even when I was younger, at some point I became aware of the fact that I likely wouldn't amount to much despite how much I tried to deny it. But otherwise, I mostly feel neutral.

 

[Celerity]

Yes, I feel sorry for her. I was a cute little kid. Whenever I look at my old pictures, I see so much hope and potential dashed to pieces.

 

[brokeandbroken]

I have kind of forgotten everything about my past. Everything feels blurry, almost as if it was all made up. I forgot I was even a child at some point. It hasn't even been that long, I'm still considered young.
Recently, I found some old pictures of myself as a little girl and I broke down crying. I had no idea what was coming, what the world was really like. It didn't even feel like that was me. However, even though it was almost like I was looking at pictures of a random child, I guess deep down I must have felt she was me, and that she is gone now. I don't cry looking at random children but I don't remember the last time I have cried for myself. Must have been a combination of the fact that I do know that there is something tying myself to her and that I feel so disconnected from that kid that I didn't feel selfish for shedding a tear.

Ehh it's more boredom and lack of amusement for me.

 

[Skullinthewoods]

I feel a great weight of grief when I am reminded of how happy I was as a child. Why did I have to grow up? How did that energetic, sociable, joyful kid grow up to be so bitter and miserable? I think she'd be shocked to see the wreck she became.

I often fantasize about being a child again and it's bittersweet. On the one hand, I feel a thrill whilst I'm in the fantasy. On the other, the moment I'm out, the current world looks so much more grim in comparison.

And the fact that I'll never be there again, that I've been on a one-way trip into adulthood that happened seemingly whilst I wasn't even paying attention... that hits hard.

So... whilst I have photos of me as a child somewhere on my computer, they seldom get looked at since that isn't me anymore. As much as I wish it was.

 

[tiger b]

There are no pictures left, not even one. The album they were in was destroyed.

I'm not unhappy about that. I never could smile in any of them.

 

[bloodystarzklt]

sad bc even my childhood wasn't good

 

[ClaudeCTTE]

It doesn't make me feel pain, but envy.

Envy for not being able to be what I was in my childhood.

I have hundreds of photos of myself. There's not a single photo where I am sad.
In those photos I'm smiling, hugging my father, kissing my mother, eating that chocolate cake I loved so much, swimming in a pool, playing with sand on the beach, playing with household objects or my toys...

What happened?

I think I was happier when I knew nothing about this world...

 

[ArjunRamDas]

I was cleaning out a storage unit several years ago and came across my old photo albums. I realized holding onto them was a sentimental action that I just didn't have in my heart anymore. I realized they didn't mean anything to my dad, he didn't want them and there was a pain that accompanied that. So I threw everything in a dumpster and said goodbye to a past that was long dead and gone anyway…

 

[changes]

I feel all the lost hope when I see my childhood photos. I wonder how on earth it has come to this

 

[amaluuk]

Feels weird. I remember my suicidal thoughts starting at 9 but I found a written notice from my elementary school about an incident as a first grader at 6 where I said I hated myself and wanted to put a pencil in my eye, and they had to take it away from me. So going off of my long history of childhood suicidal ideation, when I see those photos I feel a familiar sensation to all those "last footage of people before killing themselves" PSAs where you see how happy someone can appear to be, while knowing how fucked they are deep inside. It feels like that. Especially from 9 up I see those photos of me smiling and I often remember having to force it and I remember what I felt like inside, and knowing that nothing has changed.

That latter point is a bit of vindication I guess. If nothing has changed then nothing is going to change, so might as well get on with it once I can.

 

[isitmeorisitnot]

absolutely.

of course, no one remembers their childhood fully. there's blurs and false memories in between, yet there's instances where you can just sense things and be so sure of them. for me, i'm sure, and it's like i get this sudden rush of happiness because the girl in those pictures was happy and lived her best life. she had huge smiles and cute outfits. that was me, but it still isn't. i know for a fact that regardless of whether that was me or not in those pictures, i'd want the best for her and looking back on it all now, i'm just glad she got what she deserved.

but there's also this wave of agony because i know that those were the first and last times she'd feel that exact and certain happiness i'm discussing rn. it pains me because she could never comprehend what would happen to her later in life; because she didn't deserve that after a life of just being herself.

a bit off topic, i'm not exactly sure when it was but it definitely about a couple of months ago, where my mom was giving some toys away to my older sister for my niece. i saw this toy i used to love from when i was like 4 y/o and held it for a bit and started crying out of nowhere. i seriously have no idea why i cried but it just happened and it felt like a breath of fresh air to cry. it was basically nostalgia from something i don't even remember 100%. but all i knew was that that girl i thought of had a good childhood and i wish i could relive that same exact happiness all as the person i am now.

 

[Chocomel]

I hate seeing old photos of me bc they remind me of so much better times.

This tbh, I am very agree to this. Just thinking that I can't go back to that better times hurt me so much

 

[Lucid.44]

I miss when i had no worries in life financially and romantically. I was not worried about what others thought of me or if im handsome or smart. I just had fun but all that change when i moved countries. Its like a piece of me wqs left in my homeland. I hate myself now everyone is much better

 

[TheShadowKing]

Yeah I just feel sadness, regret, and just wish someone was there to help him

 

[Mayonaise]

Yes, terribly. I've burst into tears many times.
As others have mentioned, the "how could it come to his" feeling is very much present, but the worst - as I stated in other posts - is the feeling that I somehow failed my parents, that they deserved a different son than what I turned out to be. I guess that's because I value their lives more than my own.
A little bit off-topic, but a few days ago I cleaned up my email and dig up some very old conversations, one of them being about a demo song I wrote and recorded at that time.
I listened to the song while reading a few more messages and I realized just how much I lived. Not a matter of quantity but quality (intensity).
I sometimes feel that, even if I've been miserable for the last few years (and still am), it's been one hell of a ride

 

[rozeske]

I hate looking at my childhood pictures. It pains me so much looking at the face of the little girl who never received love, who had to endure so much verbal and physical abuse, who was told was never good enough, who was always compared with others and belittled, who never got to have the things she wanted except the very bare minimum, who was made at fault for being born in the first place. It's so triggering that I avoid looking at those pictures at all cost.