Does it ever hit you?

[Oblivion Access]

This is real. This is my life. This is what I'm like. This is the grotesque, love bereft mental landscape I've been sentenced to inhabit. It's all real, it all happened. It's not going away. This is the only life I get. The veil of derealization is lifted and all that remains is trembling in shock, isolating to spare others my negativity and poisoning myself to numb the pain. Why form bonds when a) I never really care about or love people, only want attention or favors if it's convenient b) it ends when they no longer amuse me, get (justifiably) sick of my shit or when I finally end this nightmare. I can't in good faith bait people into any sort of relationship with me. Solitude it is. The veil is coming back up, soon enough we can pretend everything is okay. Until it lifts again.

 

[Huntfish34]

I can certainly understand what you mean to a certain degree,. Not far from it myself. Hope everything works out for you in whatever may happen.

Butch.

 

[new.solution1]

When it hits me I get a surge of depression/anxiety/fear/helplessness.

 

[Superdeterminist]

This is real. This is my life. This is what I'm like. This is the grotesque, love bereft mental landscape I've been sentenced to inhabit. It's all real, it all happened. It's not going away.

This bit hit HARD that's exactly how it feels.