Does anyone want to die strictly due to physical pain?

[Sweet emotion]

I am 34 years old and I have Complex Regional Pain Syndrome which is the highest ranking pain condition in medical history. I never believed pain could be this viscious and only get worse as the years pass. Ive had it for 14 years, ever since I was 20. It stole my life from me and has kept me in isolation ever since. This disease is so painful people actually have their limbs amputated to try and reduce the pain. But I am very different from most CRPS sufferers. I have it inside my ears canals, on the ears themselves, in and on my head, face, eyes mouth, vaginal area, and jaw. Every once in a while my foot and hand will act up but the other places are constant and relentless. I can't speak anymore because that brings me severe pain in the ears head and face. I can't listen to others talk. Sound is everywhere. You can't escape sound. If I get upset my ears start to hurt. If I lose my temper they hurt. I have to numb my actual ears with ketamine cream just to lay them on a pillow or the nerves will go wild.

This condition is a malfunction of the brain and spinal chord. It can happen to anyone. One morning I woke up and turned my neck and got a severe muscle spasm. After that it was non stop pain. What happens is, is that the brain keeps firing pain signals and doesn't know how to shut them down. So the signals become stronger and stronger, never stopping. No one would be able to understand this pain unless they have it themselves. I have absolutely no quslity of Ife anymore. I have to leave the house if anyone is mowing their lawn near me because the sound is excruciating. It starts off in the ears and then travels to the head and face and neck. I feel like I'm being beaten with a bad. It feels like my head is being filled with so much pressure it's going to explode. It has given me bad tinnitus which would drive a sane person crazy. The stabbing and throbbing in my ears is viscious! I feel like I went 10 rounds with Mike Tyson. For who have it in the limbs, they describe it as being lit on fire. I can't do anything for myself anymore. My mother cares for me. I can't even bend over because my head becomes filled with unbearable pain.
Since I have it in the vaginal area, I could never meet someone to spend the rest of my life with because I'd have to go out in public where there is all kinds of noise amd I'd have to talk. I could never go to a restaurant and have dinner. And no one is going to be interested in a girl who can't have sex. Plus I would never bring anyone into my miserable life. I'm going to be honest. I wouldn't want to be with someone who has this disease. I'd want to have sex. Since I got this at such a young age, I never experienced love. I have no idea what it feels like to love or be loved. I see people my age and those who are even younger than me and they are leading happy successful lives and are in relationships and it breaks my heart. Of course I ask why did this happen to me. My friend who also had this killed herself three years ago at age 31. I wish I had the balls she did and did it three years ago because I've gotten so much worse. Every day is a new problem.

And since there is a big opiate crisis in the US, the FDA and the CDC are putting oressue on doctors to lower people or even take them off of their pain meds. we are being punished for the people that go to the streets and buy illegal drugs and for those who abuse their prescription drugs. If people want to be wreckless and accidentally overdose I don't think I should be punished for it. For some people this is the only thing that makes a dent in their pain but for the most part this condition is resistant to medication. If it travels to your organs you will die. I've been praying that will happen to me. Of course with chronic physical pain comes anxiety and depression. But I was just interested if anyone is going to take their lives because a physical problem has destroyed them?

 

[Rachel74]

My pain is mentally and physical but not to your degree. I wish I could say something to make you feel better but sadly I can't. When you read your story you realise that everyone as a right to die with dignity and you do.
You are very brave to still be here

 

[Sweet emotion]

My pain is mentally and physical but not to your degree. I wish I could say something to make you feel better but sadly I can't. When you read your story you realise that everyone as a right to die with dignity and you do.
You are very brave to still be here ❤

Oh thank you very much. That is very kind of you to say. Yes I guess I'm one tough stubborn bitch haha. I have such passion for life that I can exist like this anymore and just watch it go by. Because what I'm doing isn't living. It's existing. I don't remember what it feels like to get a good sleep or wake up happy. I don't remember what it feels like to not have pain. I don't have anything but pain to look forward to. Some states do the dying with dignity but you have to be terminally ill with cancer and have 6 months or left to live. Well I consider this condition worse than cancer because with cancer you want to fight to get better and there is hope. And you either get better and live or die and are out out of your misery. There is no point fighting to live with this disease because there is no hope. And it's a degenerative condition so you just get worse as time goes by. Why they don't teach about it in medical school boggles my mind. I actually have to teach doctors about it. Those that actually believe it exists. Because I look perfectly normal so people don't think I have pain. Well you really cant see pain. Some people are so ignorant. And then you get the know it all who say, you need to exercise more. You need to get outside more. You need to see a therapist. I can only bitch about this disease for so long before I'm in extreme pain and what is the therapist going to do? Unless she's going to cure me she is useless to me. None of these doctors understand I don't want to I've the rest of my life like this alone. Let's say I don't kill myself. When my mother passed away I will have no means to support myself. I will be homeless.i wouldn't even have enough money to rent an apartment or get food. And I would be physically able to do anything for myself. So what exactly do I have to look forward to? I have an idea of when I want to say goodbye to this cruel life. I just pray that there is something better than hell on Earth.

 

[Rachel74]

I think most doctors don't understand what it is like to live in pain, everytime I see mine he scores my pain threshold from 1-10, as you said with cancer there is a hope to live and that is what keeps most cancer patients happy, I know my brother fought for life up to 3 days before he died.
I am sending you lots of hugs and if you want to chat I am here for you x

 

[Sunset Limited]

Must be like a nightmare. I know what it feels like for people not to understand you. Most people are not prone to empathy. Sometimes these people make me feel worse than physical pain. What's your plan for the rest of your life?

 

[gingerplum]

Oh thank you very much. That is very kind of you to say. Yes I guess I'm one tough stubborn bitch haha. I have such passion for life that I can exist like this anymore and just watch it go by. Because what I'm doing isn't living. It's existing. I don't remember what it feels like to get a good sleep or wake up happy. I don't remember what it feels like to not have pain. I don't have anything but pain to look forward to. Some states do the dying with dignity but you have to be terminally ill with cancer and have 6 months or left to live. Well I consider this condition worse than cancer because with cancer you want to fight to get better and there is hope. And you either get better and live or die and are out out of your misery. There is no point fighting to live with this disease because there is no hope. And it's a degenerative condition so you just get worse as time goes by. Why they don't teach about it in medical school boggles my mind. I actually have to teach doctors about it. Those that actually believe it exists. Because I look perfectly normal so people don't think I have pain. Well you really cant see pain. Some people are so ignorant. And then you get the know it all who say, you need to exercise more. You need to get outside more. You need to see a therapist. I can only bitch about this disease for so long before I'm in extreme pain and what is the therapist going to do? Unless she's going to cure me she is useless to me. None of these doctors understand I don't want to I've the rest of my life like this alone. Let's say I don't kill myself. When my mother passed away I will have no means to support myself. I will be homeless.i wouldn't even have enough money to rent an apartment or get food. And I would be physically able to do anything for myself. So what exactly do I have to look forward to? I have an idea of when I want to say goodbye to this cruel life. I just pray that there is something better than hell on Earth.

Someone like you is the perfect example of why suicide should be, well, sanctioned... legal, safe, and accessible. There is no earthly reason why anyone, any person (or any sentient creature, for that matter) should endure chronic suffering and diminished quality of life like yours.

If you are planning on sticking around for a while, I would recommend talking to a social worker or an attorney about disability. No guarantee, but I would imagine you'd qualify for full disability; stateside, you would automatically receive Medicare, Medicaid, and a monthly stipend.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Your post made me want cry. You should not have to live like that. No one should. Suicide should indeed be sanctioned in certain circumstances. For what little it's worth my thought are with you.

 

[INWonderland]

I have CRPS as well and it is my reason for CTB in the next day or two. I have only dealt with it for two years. And I have had enough of the injections and I had a peripheral nerve stimulator inserted and removed all to no avail. I understand having no quality of life all to well. I absolutely refuse to do 14 years of this. And I have so much respect for you for being able to do that.

 

[Heart of Ice]

The achilles tendon of my right foot hurts like hell sometimes. I feel it could burst out at any time. I can deal with the pain but it needs surgery soon, and after that there is a chance I will end up in a wheelchair. It's not the only reason I'm here – or even the leading reason – but it certainly does not make life any more appealing.

 

[Jamoca]

I was going to do it before due to pain. I have another condition that started the pain now my body just thinks everything is pain, even certain sounds and voices like you described. I was going to a pain clinic for many years did everything how I should the drug tests the checks ect and now because of the big push bam taken off and I'm suffering even more,23 years of this has been enough I'm done. man I wish I would've done it when I had the access to do it with my patches. So I'm researching new method.

 

[Sweet emotion]

Must be like a nightmare. I know what it feels like for people not to understand you. Most people are not prone to empathy. Sometimes these people make me feel worse than physical pain. What's your plan for the rest of your life?

My plan is to kill myself by the end of this year. There is no life. I'm not living. I'm existing. I have no quality fo life. Only a person who is psychotic would want to live out the rest of their life like this.

Someone like you is the perfect example of why suicide should be, well, sanctioned... legal, safe, and accessible. There is no earthly reason why anyone, any person (or any sentient creature, for that matter) should endure chronic suffering and diminished quality of life like yours.

If you are planning on sticking around for a while, I would recommend talking to a social worker or an attorney about disability. No guarantee, but I would imagine you'd qualify for full disability; stateside, you would automatically receive Medicare, Medicaid, and a monthly stipend.

Oh I've had disability for quite some time now. I've had this for 14 years so I've been through it all. I plan on ending my life b the end of this year. And yes I agree with you. There should be a dying with dignity program for people like me. My cousin has MS so badly she can't even move. She had to have both legs amputated due to diabetes recently! It breaks my heart to think of her in the nursing home for probably 20 years now. She should be given that opportunity. She can barely speak but keeps saying she wants to die. I wish there was a Dr. Kevorkian around somewhere. People called him a murderer but he had such compassion for life that he didn't want to see anyone suffer. And they didn't have to worry if their attempt failed or someone stopped them in the middle of it. All they had to do was pull a string. No pain. I'm happy you reassured me my method would work because I am terrified. I still have a few questions to ask you but not tonight. I'm too tired and in too much pain. Thank you for your kind words.

Your post made me want cry. You should not have to live like that. No one should. Suicide should indeed be sanctioned in certain circumstances. For what little it's worth my thought are with you.

Thank you so very much. That means a lot to me.

I have CRPS as well and it is my reason for CTB in the next day or two. I have only dealt with it for two years. And I have had enough of the injections and I had a peripheral nerve stimulator inserted and removed all to no avail. I understand having no quality of life all to well. I absolutely refuse to do 14 years of this. And I have so much respect for you for being able to do that.

OMG I'm so sorry to hear this. I hate saying it but I'd kill myself too if I were you because you don't want to live 14 years of this. Are you able to private message me? I'd love to talk to you. I've talked to other people who have crps on support groups but some of them seem deranged like they're happy they have it or something and it is no big deal. It's a huge deal! It's inhumane! I was wondering where you have it.

I am the 1% that has it inside my ears canals. On the outside of my ears. My chest my vaginal area. My head. Face, neck mouth, eyes, scalp, left foot and wherever it decides to piss my body off. So I can't talk much or listen much because it's so painful in my ears. That is the most painful spot. So I can't go out in public because there is no way to hide from noise. I've tried ketamine infusions, stellate ganglion blocks. All kinds of injections like you. I hope you are not gone before we get to talk but if you are I hope you find peace. Yes I've never tried the stimulator that is put in the back because I've heard so many disasterous things from other people. I had two jaw surgeries that made things so much worse. So many doctors have hurt me because they either don't know about it or don't take it seriously. I'm sure you get looked at as if you have three heads when you say crps to someone. Cancer everyone flips out but crps they have no idea about. I teach the damn doctors. I think it's one of the most inhumane conditions there is. my name is Audriana. I'd like to talk to you before you go.

Your post made me want cry. You should not have to live like that. No one should. Suicide should indeed be sanctioned in certain circumstances. For what little it's worth my thought are with you.

Thank you so very much. That means a lot to me.

I was going to do it before due to pain. I have another condition that started the pain now my body just thinks everything is pain, even certain sounds and voices like you described. I was going to a pain clinic for many years did everything how I should the drug tests the checks ect and now because of the big push bam taken off and I'm suffering even more,23 years of this has been enough I'm done. man I wish I would've done it when I had the access to do it with my patches. So I'm researching new method.

OMG yes I know! Because of the actual drug addicts, no offense to drug addicts, but I'm really pissed at them because since they are overdosing on opiates or not taking their meds as prescribed and overdosing, WE, the people who are actually suffering from unbelievable physical pain are being dropped and denied pain meds. My doctor just started dropping me in them. They said there is nothing more they can do for me and these meds are killing me. I said I really could care less. I knew quite some time ago that it was going to come down to this so I started not taking the full amount of pills in the morning and saving them so I'd have enough to end my life. My friend had what I have and she had a drug called Seconal which is a powerful sedative. She put fentanyl patches all over her chest and took her meds that she had. That is what I'm going to do but I don't have Seconal or the patches but I have enough drugs to kill many people. And thank God I saved them because I am in awful pain and sometimes I need to take extra. I talked to a doctor who helps you die with dignity and he told me that if you have enough pain meds what you have to do is pick a day to die because you need to stop eating two days before that and start taking anti nausea medication every 6-8 hours. Then on the third day you grind up all your meds and put them in pudding or yogurt and eat it and just go lay down. If you ever need to talk I'll be here for at least another month I hope. My name is Audriana.

Your post made me want cry. You should not have to live like that. No one should. Suicide should indeed be sanctioned in certain circumstances. For what little it's worth my thought are with you.

Thank you so very much. That means a lot to me.

I was going to do it before due to pain. I have another condition that started the pain now my body just thinks everything is pain, even certain sounds and voices like you described. I was going to a pain clinic for many years did everything how I should the drug tests the checks ect and now because of the big push bam taken off and I'm suffering even more,23 years of this has been enough I'm done. man I wish I would've done it when I had the access to do it with my patches. So I'm researching new method.

OMG yes I know! Because of the actual drug addicts, no offense to drug addicts, but I'm really pissed at them because since they are overdosing on opiates or not taking their meds as prescribed and overdosing, WE, the people who are actually suffering from unbelievable physical pain are being dropped and denied pain meds. My doctor just started dropping me in them. They said there is nothing more they can do for me and these meds are killing me. I said I really could care less. I knew quite some time ago that it was going to come down to this so I started not taking the full amount of pills in the morning and saving them so I'd have enough to end my life. My friend had what I have and she had a drug called Seconal which is a powerful sedative. She put fentanyl patches all over her chest and took her meds that she had. That is what I'm going to do but I don't have Seconal or the patches but I have enough drugs to kill many people. And thank God I saved them because I am in awful pain and sometimes I need to take extra. I talked to a doctor who helps you die with dignity and he told me that if you have enough pain meds what you have to do is pick a day to die because you need to stop eating two days before that and start taking anti nausea medication every 6-8 hours. Then on the third day you grind up all your meds and put them in pudding or yogurt and eat it and just go lay down. If you ever need to talk I'll be here for at least another month I hope. My name is Audriana.

I think most doctors don't understand what it is like to live in pain, everytime I see mine he scores my pain threshold from 1-10, as you said with cancer there is a hope to live and that is what keeps most cancer patients happy, I know my brother fought for life up to 3 days before he died.
I am sending you lots of hugs and if you want to chat I am here for you x

Thank you so much Rachel. I might take you up on that offer one day. You're very kind.

 

[Dreamwithinadream]

I have been living with severe chronic muscle and nerve pain for years now. I can relate to everything you've said.
Luckily my doctors are understanding and have never limited my pain medications although they don't even help.
Like you, I've tried everything. This is just a cruel existence at this point.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

I'm so sorry that you are going through such pain. And a lot of what you say i am also facing. I am also in a living nightmare. It's unbelievable to me how bad life or this world can get for some people including for me and for you (nobody warned me). At least you have access to a method of suicide that will end your pain someday.

 

[Hadenuf]

Yes not really pain tho I have tinnitus and have reached the end with it

 

[Sweet emotion]

Yes not really pain tho I have tinnitus and have reached the end with it

OMG I have tinnitus too! I've always had it since I was little but I've been able to if or it my whole life unless I was in a quiet room. But now that I have crps in my ears it's affecting my tinnitus and is driving me absolutely crazy. I take Xanax to calm it down. Sometimes it works. Tonight it isn't working. I can drive a sane person crazy. It really can. I read that maybe 5% of people kill themselves because if this. I guess you and me are in that percentage. I'm really sorry you're going through this every day. How long have you had it?

I'm so sorry that you are going through such pain. And a lot of what you say i am also facing. I am also in a living nightmare. It's unbelievable to me how bad life or this world can get for some people including for me and for you (nobody warned me). At least you have access to a method of suicide that will end your pain someday.

Yes I never knew diseases so viscious were possible. I thought you know people get sick fhe flue, cancer, but not stuff like what I have. With cancer there is always hope. People get better and live or they're put out of their misery and die. I'm not downgrading cancer so please don't think that. Sometimes I wish for it so it can just kill me and I don't have to do it myself.

 

[Hadenuf]

OMG I have tinnitus too! I've always had it since I was little but I've been able to if or it my whole life unless I was in a quiet room. But now that I have crps in my ears it's affecting my tinnitus and is driving me absolutely crazy. I take Xanax to calm it down. Sometimes it works. Tonight it isn't working. I can drive a sane person crazy. It really can. I read that maybe 5% of people kill themselves because if this. I guess you and me are in that percentage. I'm really sorry you're going through this every day. How long have you had it?

Yes I never knew diseases so viscious were possible. I thought you know people get sick fhe flue, cancer, but not stuff like what I have. With cancer there is always hope. People get better and live or they're put out of their misery and die. I'm not downgrading cancer so please don't think that. Sometimes I wish for it so it can just kill me and I don't have to do it myself.

Only 6 months but I am out of my mind as I can only sleep with pills my family are so supportive I have attempted 1 suicide and failed but I still want to go and succeed

OMG I have tinnitus too! I've always had it since I was little but I've been able to if or it my whole life unless I was in a quiet room. But now that I have crps in my ears it's affecting my tinnitus and is driving me absolutely crazy. I take Xanax to calm it down. Sometimes it works. Tonight it isn't working. I can drive a sane person crazy. It really can. I read that maybe 5% of people kill themselves because if this. I guess you and me are in that percentage. I'm really sorry you're going through this every day. How long have you had it?

Yes I never knew diseases so viscious were possible. I thought you know people get sick fhe flue, cancer, but not stuff like what I have. With cancer there is always hope. People get better and live or they're put out of their misery and die. I'm not downgrading cancer so please don't think that. Sometimes I wish for it so it can just kill me and I don't have to do it myself.

it sounds like you have access to with xan ax

OMG I have tinnitus too! I've always had it since I was little but I've been able to if or it my whole life unless I was in a quiet room. But now that I have crps in my ears it's affecting my tinnitus and is driving me absolutely crazy. I take Xanax to calm it down. Sometimes it works. Tonight it isn't working. I can drive a sane person crazy. It really can. I read that maybe 5% of people kill themselves because if this. I guess you and me are in that percentage. I'm really sorry you're going through this every day. How long have you had it?

Yes I never knew diseases so viscious were possible. I thought you know people get sick fhe flue, cancer, but not stuff like what I have. With cancer there is always hope. People get better and live or they're put out of their misery and die. I'm not downgrading cancer so please don't think that. Sometimes I wish for it so it can just kill me and I don't have to do it myself.

what is crps
I worry about my family but my pain drives me further towards the end
I worry about my family but my pain drives me further towards the end
I worry about my family but my pain drives me further towards the end