Venting Does anyone want to be "allowed to lose in life"?

[halfway_y]

The usual approach to helping suicidal people is some kind of hope injection. This person managed to turn everything around! That person found a job and built his way back! That person got cured! It doesn't seem to be working for me, not anymore. It just feels more devastating. I can't fight like these people. I can't turn around, I can't salvage myself, I'm weak, I'm undeserving, I'm feeble, I'm exhausted and i'm not doing much, how exhausted will I be when I'll try for another push for recovery?

Why can't I just lose? In a strange way, sometimes reading about people committing suicide feels... comforting. I read about good people, about decent people, about very different people, poor and rich, from different parts of the world, and these people allowed themselves to lose. They resigned. Reading about all the cases make me feel like I'm allowed to resign too. Like I don't have to fight forever (calling my existence fighting is a stretch, though... but still). I have a hard time allowing myself to be free of this mental prison, but I see that it's possible. In a fucked up way.

 

[Vivir_O_No]

The usual approach to helping suicidal people is some kind of hope injection. This person managed to turn everything around! That person found a job and built his way back! That person got cured! It doesn't seem to be working for me, not anymore. It just feels more devastating. I can't fight like these people. I can't turn around, I can't salvage myself, I'm weak, I'm undeserving, I'm feeble, I'm exhausted and i'm not doing much, how exhausted will I be when I'll try for another push for recovery?

Why can't I just lose? In a strange way, sometimes reading about people committing suicide feels... comforting. I read about good people, about decent people, about very different people, poor and rich, from different parts of the world, and these people allowed themselves to lose. They resigned. Reading about all the cases make me feel like I'm allowed to resign too. Like I don't have to fight forever (calling my existence fighting is a stretch, though... but still). I have a hard time allowing myself to be free of this mental prison, but I see that it's possible. In a fucked up way.

Become the best loser on planet earth lol

 

[missedmybus]

I was homeless junkie and tbh it was the best period of my life.

Edit: Just couldnt keep doing it to my mom and grandpa

 

[ForeverCaHa]

I agree that reading about different suicide stories makes me feel more comfortable with my choice. The truth is that I just don't want help anymore. I've tried meds, spoken to people, redirected my life and all that, but situations keep on popping up to push me back down. I'm more than happy to not 'win' at life now

 

[galaxid]

It doesn't seem to be working for me, not anymore. It just feels more devastating. I can't fight like these people. I can't turn around, I can't salvage myself, I'm weak, I'm undeserving, I'm feeble, I'm exhausted and i'm not doing much, how exhausted will I be when I'll try for another push for recovery?

Same. Every bit of hope seems tainted by the fact that its going to slip away again. Nothing helps, and I'm really, really tired of it.

Reading stories about people committing suicide doesn't really make me feel comfort, though. It makes me feel like I'm looking at my 'destiny' and its scared me all my life.

Obviously it doesn't need to be this way. I can choose to keep white-knuckling any possible reason to live, and suffer every single day for new and novel reasons. If I had the gumption, I might be able to do that. But that kind of hope and energy is fleeting, and the fact that I've been fantasizing about it for years is only more of an indication that I'm going to do it eventually. And I really want to get it over with already.

 

[HereUntilApril]

The usual approach to helping suicidal people is some kind of hope injection. This person managed to turn everything around! That person found a job and built his way back! That person got cured! It doesn't seem to be working for me, not anymore. It just feels more devastating. I can't fight like these people. I can't turn around, I can't salvage myself, I'm weak, I'm undeserving, I'm feeble, I'm exhausted and i'm not doing much, how exhausted will I be when I'll try for another push for recovery?

Why can't I just lose? In a strange way, sometimes reading about people committing suicide feels... comforting. I read about good people, about decent people, about very different people, poor and rich, from different parts of the world, and these people allowed themselves to lose. They resigned. Reading about all the cases make me feel like I'm allowed to resign too. Like I don't have to fight forever (calling my existence fighting is a stretch, though... but still). I have a hard time allowing myself to be free of this mental prison, but I see that it's possible. In a fucked up way.

I feel you on this one. It's just a part of being a human being.

I'm not sure if this fits but for me, I was very happy seeing people crashing out on social media during the 2024 election because before then, I was just seeing people on Instagram sharing pictures of them on vacation, going to concerts, having a blast at parties, showing off their bodies, being out with their friends or their significant others, showing off their brand new cars, showing off all of their accomplishments, enjoying life as if they had it all going for them and I was also unemployed, having the worst time of my life.

So when I saw people crashing out on their stories, it felt very comforting to me because it felt like I was finally able to breathe and it felt so freeing.

I didn't have to think about how other people were having a better life than me. I didn't want people to just tell me that life gets better. I just wanted to see the world burn around me, I wanted everyone to feel the anger that I was feeling.

I also got a job during that time so it was like an added bonus. There always has to be a balance in life. As much as I want to see people succeed in life, I don't want to feel like I'm the only one who failed in life.

 

[brokeandbroken]

The usual approach to helping suicidal people is some kind of hope injection. This person managed to turn everything around! That person found a job and built his way back! That person got cured! It doesn't seem to be working for me, not anymore. It just feels more devastating. I can't fight like these people. I can't turn around, I can't salvage myself, I'm weak, I'm undeserving, I'm feeble, I'm exhausted and i'm not doing much, how exhausted will I be when I'll try for another push for recovery?

Why can't I just lose? In a strange way, sometimes reading about people committing suicide feels... comforting. I read about good people, about decent people, about very different people, poor and rich, from different parts of the world, and these people allowed themselves to lose. They resigned. Reading about all the cases make me feel like I'm allowed to resign too. Like I don't have to fight forever (calling my existence fighting is a stretch, though... but still). I have a hard time allowing myself to be free of this mental prison, but I see that it's possible. In a fucked up way.

The honest truth is everyone did let me. I'm the only one who didn't give up after my agency to really fix my life after someone else broke it. It sucks. There's something deeply horrifying about having everyone just stop. Stop loving, stop caring, stop doing anything to help. Just stop. And none of it was your fault, in your control, etc... So yeah it sucks.

being told so and so got to x isnt helpful. Cool why do I care. Now how so and so got to X. Is helpful unfortunately that's always cloistered. And even that is not so helpful as everyone's situations are different. That said hopefully your problems on the spectrum are easy. Maybe you can find the solutions you need.

 

[halfway_y]

The honest truth is everyone did let me. I'm the only one who didn't give up after my agency to really fix my life after someone else broke it. It sucks. There's something deeply horrifying about having everyone just stop. Stop loving, stop caring, stop doing anything to help. Just stop. And none of it was your fault, in your control, etc... So yeah it sucks.

being told so and so got to x isnt helpful. Cool why do I care. Now how so and so got to X. Is helpful unfortunately that's always cloistered. And even that is not so helpful as everyone's situations are different. That said hopefully your problems on the spectrum are easy. Maybe you can find the solutions you need.

That is horrifying, yeah. The main conceit of this thread is not that being let alone to die is good, it just feels this way, another way of coping, dreaming of suicide as a complete absolution, something that will absolve me of all the fighting I must do. But yeah, having no help and no hope is horrifying, and I guess in part me being stuck in this rut is because I was neglected and let down at some point. My father did say to me "I wish you were gone", so he let me lose. It's just... recovring and fighting is so tiresome I wish I didn't have to do this. I wish I could just die in my sleep today or something.
Sorry it's a bit of a ramble...

 

[brokeandbroken]

That is horrifying, yeah. The main conceit of this thread is not that being let alone to die is good, it just feels this way, another way of coping, dreaming of suicide as a complete absolution, something that will absolve me of all the fighting I must do. But yeah, having no help and no hope is horrifying, and I guess in part me being stuck in this rut is because I was neglected and let down at some point. My father did say to me "I wish you were gone", so he let me lose. It's just... recovring and fighting is so tiresome I wish I didn't have to do this. I wish I could just die in my sleep today or something.
Sorry it's a bit of a ramble...

I mean yeah i get it im here obviously. But on other hand I don't. I don't understand the people surrounded by love with opportunities who have a road to follow and just generally some goodness in life why you are looking across the ether and going man I want to be that guy. I am that guy. This life isn't one you want. Think critically.

Every few months sometimes more often sometimes less ill have a few nights where I'll wake up gasping for air choking. It started in Jan of 2020 with covid. I'm assuming my tonsils were grossly enlarged and inflamed closing my airway. Why it still happens I have no idea. Sometimes it's because I am sick others I feel fine.

Right now I don't get the ability to breathe back. People arent going to find me because they care or anything like that. It will be the smell of my decomposing body that gets found.

I will then probably be cremated because no one gives a shit and that's what happened. Placed in a paupers
grave. Why is this what you want?

Recovering and fighting is tiresome. Hopefully you at least you have something to fight for. Because right now i really don't. The sad part is plenty of things I'd be willing to fight for just they aren't components of my life right now.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I used to have this weird fantasy of going to prison so that I wouldn't have to try and succeed in life and make it on my own. I'm sure the reality of prison would be worse though.

In terms of suicide though, I'm not sure I see it so much as failing at life. More like rage quitting a game that was rigged from the start. (Which I think is a reasonable action to take.)