I'm obsessed with what others think of me. I overanalyze situations, interpret others' reactions and facial expressions with superfluous care, and behave in a slightly manipulistic way to better the image others have of me. It's so tiring. And often social interactions are more stressful than socially rewarding to me. So I removed myself from my social circles. I'm better off alone because they are not the problem; I am.
The last time I verbally conversed with family or friends was four months ago — digital communication on rare occasions. And weeks go by when I don't speak to anyone but myself, mumbling as I read or write something (such as now haha). I want to think that one day, I can reconnect with my friends. But I feel like I had already grown too far apart when I was still in contact with them. Staying silent will only increase the distance between us to the detriment of potentially salvaging the lost friendships in the future.
I know this is unhealthy behavior. It's self-destructive. But I don't know how I can reconnect and interact with old and new friends without feeling anxious and stressed. TL;DR I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, but I fear that this lonesome period of four months is a glimpse into my future. I have already grown quite comfortable with being alone.