No one can tell me wether to live or die and I understand that.
I plan to hang myself in the middle of the night in a forest along a trail. I will use a rope and tie one end to a limb and the other end will be a slip knot. I plan to put my head in the noose and tighten it and then slowly lower myself down off the limb.
I am struggling to sort out a few things.
a) finances - I currently have $19,000 and I plan to leave a handwritten note signed and dated that outlines how I would like all my money to go to my mom and I pray the it will be used as a "holograph will". The only issue is that we are both on disability and we split rent 50/50. The government pays our hydro but we pay for internet and we also split that 50/50. Without my income she will no longer be able to pay rent as she will not have my half coming in. Luckily I do have some money saved that will help with rent for over a year. Hopefully this is enough time to figure something out for her and her cat.
b) My cat - She is 18y/o with dementia HCM and CKD. She is not on any medications and have a good QOL. I have had her my whole life. I know that she is old and I want to be there for her last moments since she has been there for me basically my whole life. I just don't know if I can wait for her to die. She is currently sitting on my lap while I write this. She is still pretty healthy, still eating, drinking, using the litter box and is able to sleep most of the day. She does struggle when I'm not home. She will sit at the front door and scream/meow very loudly staring at the door while I am at school. She will end up falling asleep on the door mat and I usually hit her with the door (by accident ofc) on my way in. Not even my mom is able to calm her down. What would she do if I was never coming home? She would be extremely distressed and I fear that her QOL would plummit. I have considered leaving a note requesting that she be put down following my death. Someone else pointed out that my mom may struggle to put her down and that my mom may hold on to her because she already lost me. This is one thing I still have not figured out and is stalling my plan
c) Hospitalization - I have been hospitalized many many times, for months at a time. The issue is that I come out still suicidal. They could lock me in there for years and it wouldnt get rid of the thoughts I don't think.
I am still very hesitent with CTB and i think its because a part of me does want to live.
I have a girlfriend who loves me dearly. I have a cat who is extremely attached to me. I am doing well in school. I have a stable income (disability). I live in a nice apartment. I have a mom who loves me. I have a service dog currently being trained. I have some things going for me, I really do.
I fear that the summer time is what is getting to me because I have nothing to do. Maybe i should stick it out and hold on until the school year and see if I feel the same while I have something to do?
I am just looking for some advice/words of support that everything will work out. Wether I live or die, things will work out, right?
I have a psychiatrist and I am on many medications to help me but I still feel this way. Should i be honest with my psychiatrist and risk hospitalization if it means that the thoughts might go away?
I dont know if I want to live or die but I do know that I cannot keep living with these thoughts, they will win eventually.
I plan to hang myself in the middle of the night in a forest along a trail. I will use a rope and tie one end to a limb and the other end will be a slip knot. I plan to put my head in the noose and tighten it and then slowly lower myself down off the limb.
I am struggling to sort out a few things.
a) finances - I currently have $19,000 and I plan to leave a handwritten note signed and dated that outlines how I would like all my money to go to my mom and I pray the it will be used as a "holograph will". The only issue is that we are both on disability and we split rent 50/50. The government pays our hydro but we pay for internet and we also split that 50/50. Without my income she will no longer be able to pay rent as she will not have my half coming in. Luckily I do have some money saved that will help with rent for over a year. Hopefully this is enough time to figure something out for her and her cat.
b) My cat - She is 18y/o with dementia HCM and CKD. She is not on any medications and have a good QOL. I have had her my whole life. I know that she is old and I want to be there for her last moments since she has been there for me basically my whole life. I just don't know if I can wait for her to die. She is currently sitting on my lap while I write this. She is still pretty healthy, still eating, drinking, using the litter box and is able to sleep most of the day. She does struggle when I'm not home. She will sit at the front door and scream/meow very loudly staring at the door while I am at school. She will end up falling asleep on the door mat and I usually hit her with the door (by accident ofc) on my way in. Not even my mom is able to calm her down. What would she do if I was never coming home? She would be extremely distressed and I fear that her QOL would plummit. I have considered leaving a note requesting that she be put down following my death. Someone else pointed out that my mom may struggle to put her down and that my mom may hold on to her because she already lost me. This is one thing I still have not figured out and is stalling my plan
c) Hospitalization - I have been hospitalized many many times, for months at a time. The issue is that I come out still suicidal. They could lock me in there for years and it wouldnt get rid of the thoughts I don't think.
I am still very hesitent with CTB and i think its because a part of me does want to live.
I have a girlfriend who loves me dearly. I have a cat who is extremely attached to me. I am doing well in school. I have a stable income (disability). I live in a nice apartment. I have a mom who loves me. I have a service dog currently being trained. I have some things going for me, I really do.
I fear that the summer time is what is getting to me because I have nothing to do. Maybe i should stick it out and hold on until the school year and see if I feel the same while I have something to do?
I am just looking for some advice/words of support that everything will work out. Wether I live or die, things will work out, right?
I have a psychiatrist and I am on many medications to help me but I still feel this way. Should i be honest with my psychiatrist and risk hospitalization if it means that the thoughts might go away?
I dont know if I want to live or die but I do know that I cannot keep living with these thoughts, they will win eventually.
