Does anyone else want to CTB to escape abuse?

[birthdayboy]

At some point, my husband became unbearably cruel. He's not physical abusive, but the lashing out, yelling, throwing and breaking things, belittling, insults, and other forms of emotional harm have become too much to bear. It's nonstop.

I've lost all my friends irl because he gets outrageously jealous of me spending time with anyone else. I thought I was on track at one point because I found a friend he seemed to like (he hates most people), but then he suddenly became hateful about him too and I had to cut him off.

I've been 100% faithful to him since the moment we were together, and while there have been moments I said and did things that were wrong, I always apologized and did whatever I could to make up for it, but it was never enough. He holds grudges perpetually. He used to love my mom, but he's hated her since he got into an argument with her about ice cream in 2017, and he's hated her ever since and frequently brings up how much he hates her.

And meanwhile, he's done some horrible things to me. He cheated on me with my brother. He's destroyed so many things when he's been drunk. But man, I move on and I forgive because holding hate isn't worthwhile, y'know?

This morning, I saw the kitchen counter needed to be cleaned, so I wiped it with a paper towel, and in the process I moved his THC vape to the other side of the counter, still in plain sight, but he got so angry that he took the air fryer and rice cooker out of the kitchen and put them somewhere. Maybe he threw them away. He often gets angry and throws random things in the trash or breaks them. He even threatened to have our dogs put down one time. Anything that will upset and hurt me. Why is this way?

So I'm gay and my first attempt was after trying to date a woman who was my closest friend at one time and realizing that would never work for me. I had a pistol up to my head and I often regret not just doing it.

So I'm not spiritual or religious really, but it's so odd that I ran into her today after 20+ years of not talking to her, and she started talking to me just like we did when we were friends. And then I think she could tell something was different about me because I could tell the same tone of voice and body language she used to use. She could read me like a book. And at one point she got really serious, and was like "So how are things going with you, [birthdayboy]" and I tried to give a polite answer that would be expected, but I really think she knew.

And again, not spiritual, but it's so interesting she appeared the day after I finally finished a plan to CTB that satisfies me. I just have to get through like 6 more months because I need it to be nice weather. So it felt like the universe giving its seal of approval.

And honestly the best thing that ever happens to me is when I sleep and there's just nothing, and it really landed for me that that's how it will be. My consciousness will just be gone, and I have no reason to fear that.

But if not for the abuse, I think I'd be doing alright at this point. It's just I can't bring myself to leave him, and I can't go on living like this. I think it's even harder for me that I'm also demisexual queer and gay because I feel like just a normal person would just move on, but that's not possible for me.

 

[birdofafeather]

Hey,

I'm someone who used to be in an abusive relationship, and I tried multiple times to CTB my way out of it. Given that I'm still alive, it clearly didn't work, but given that I'm out of the situation, arguably you can say that it kind of did. [If you want more details, you're very free to DM me, I just don't feel comfortable airing everything about myself out on a public forum]
In general, on average, it takes about 7 attempts to leave an abusive relationship - it's incredibly difficult, especially if you have no connections outside of the relationship - there is no safety net, no real place for you to go afterwards, and especially if you believe that you love and care for your abuser. If you feel that you do not need to CTB outside of the abuse, I would highly recommend not taking that course of action - escaping will be somewhat of a death in itself, but then you get to pick yourself up and decide for yourself how you would like to proceed.

It is a huge step to even recognise that you are being abused, and an even bigger step to be able to admit it. You are on a very difficult journey right now, and it isn't going to get easier for a while, but you have already taken the first steps.
I will be around if you ever want to talk to someone on the other side of your situation, for advice, for just company, or anything at all. And remember that the process of escaping takes time, as you also have to fight your own doubts and feelings.

Look after yourself, and I wish you all the best.

 

[Quietist]

but the lashing out, yelling, throwing and breaking things, belittling, insults, and other forms of emotional harm

This IS abuse, by the way.

Abuse isn't just physical.

And yes, I can relate to wanting to CTB to escape one's environment as well as the people in it.

 

[happy2die]

yes except it's from my parents (used to be physically abused too but now it's just emotional)and my only way of escape was excelling in academics so that I could become financially stable as quick as possible to cut them off. However, I had undiagnosed ADHD and that dream was cut short a few months into college. By the time I got a diagnosis and medication I had already decided to CTB. I have no other choice. i feel trapped. I hope I have parents that actually care for me in the next life.

 

[Drogon]

Due to poor decisions , regrets , about to get fired . Lived a shit life and now I'm paying for it

 

[birthdayboy]

Due to poor decisions , regrets , about to get fired . Lived a shit life and now I'm paying for it

I've been there. I ended up in jail a couple times and got fired too due to my alcohol abuse, which was my way of coping with my situation at the time.

So yeah, I've made poor decisions as well. I understand.

 

[badatparties]

I want to escape humanity.

 

[Forever Sleep]

My first thoughts of suicide- aged 10 were bacause of intense bullying by a family member. I would term it abuse. Lots of psychological crap. Not so much physical violence.

I'm not meaning to oversimplify this here but- I get the strong sense your life could be so different without this guy. Is it because you truly don't want to leave him or, that you are terrified to? And, if you're scared- it absolutely sounds understandable. This guy sounds volatile and potentially violent. Maybe he hasn't hit you but smashing stuff up is a violent act. Plus- all the verbally abusive stuff going on. And, it's well known that the most dangerous time for the victim of an abusive partner is when they try to leave.

That all said, there must be charities that help people in these sorts of situations. Sadly, they are far from uncommon now. Things like restraining orders may try to keep you safe. Do you have evidence of any of his abuse? But then, collecting it is risky.

I just feel sad because, I could picture your life being so different away from him. My life did definitely improve when I left home but then- that was admittedly, so much easier for me- going to uni.

I'm not madly keen on pro-life perspectives but I suppose it's sad when we can imagine another path for someone. But then, I can understand that it can seem too difficult sometimes. I just wonder if you got the proper support though- case workers etc. Even this friend you mentioned. I bet they'd love to rescue you away from this guy.

Obviously ignore this if it's too personal. I'm always curious with abusive relationships though. Do you remember when it started? Was he very different at the start? Did he love bomb initially- be overly attentive and kind? Do you feel like his actions are escalating? That's my major concern. I think sometimes these people start off with smaller acts- slamming doors, breaking stuff- to test the waters of what they can get away with.

I had a childhood friend once who ended up in an abusive relatiinship. She was on crutches when we met. He had thrown her down and stamped on her ankle and broken it- because she had knocked something over while hoovering. She told me- the first time a man hits you- leave. She felt stuck though. She had a child with him. Naturally, everyone was worried sick about her. I wonder what eventually happened. It wouldn't surprise me to hear he'd killed her. I just wish everyone in these situations felt the strength to leave.

 

[birthdayboy]

Due to poor decisions , regrets , about to get fired . Lived a shit life and now I'm paying for it

I've been there. I ended up in jail a couple times and got fired too due to my alcohol abuse, which was my way of coping with my situation at the time.

So yeah, I've made poor decisions as well. I understand.

My first thoughts of suicide- aged 10 were bacause of intense bullying by a family member. I would term it abuse. Lots of psychological crap. Not so much physical violence.

I'm not meaning to oversimplify this here but- I get the strong sense your life could be so different without this guy. Is it because you truly don't want to leave him or, that you are terrified to? And, if you're scared- it absolutely sounds understandable. This guy sounds volatile and potentially violent. Maybe he hasn't hit you but smashing stuff up is a violent act. Plus- all the verbally abusive stuff going on. And, it's well known that the most dangerous time for the victim of an abusive partner is when they try to leave.

That all said, there must be charities that help people in these sorts of situations. Sadly, they are far from uncommon now. Things like restraining orders may try to keep you safe. Do you have evidence of any of his abuse? But then, collecting it is risky.

I just feel sad because, I could picture your life being so different away from him. My life did definitely improve when I left home but then- that was admittedly, so much easier for me- going to uni.

I'm not madly keen on pro-life perspectives but I suppose it's sad when we can imagine another path for someone. But then, I can understand that it can seem too difficult sometimes. I just wonder if you got the proper support though- case workers etc. Even this friend you mentioned. I bet they'd love to rescue you away from this guy.

Obviously ignore this if it's too personal. I'm always curious with abusive relationships though. Do you remember when it started? Was he very different at the start? Did he love bomb initially- be overly attentive and kind? Do you feel like his actions are escalating? That's my major concern. I think sometimes these people start off with smaller acts- slamming doors, breaking stuff- to test the waters of what they can get away with.

I had a childhood friend once who ended up in an abusive relatiinship. She was on crutches when we met. He had thrown her down and stamped on her ankle and broken it- because she had knocked something over while hoovering. She told me- the first time a man hits you- leave. She felt stuck though. She had a child with him. Naturally, everyone was worried sick about her. I wonder what eventually happened. It wouldn't surprise me to hear he'd killed her. I just wish everyone in these situations felt the strength to leave.

It's hard to find time and space to use this site, so forgive the late response.

There were some red flags from the beginning, but I was intensely in love and didn't think it would keep happening. Before we were together, I had never been with another person sexually by consent, but I had been sexually assaulted in my sleep once and drugged and raced on another occasion. When I disclosed this to him, he became angry and said that I "pretend to be so innocent" but that I let these things happen.

Thinking back, there were a lot of other things, like I used to have a large friend group and was very social. One time, a friend texted me an invitation to a community event, and he became so angry that he accused me of wanting to cheat on him. I cut off so many friends and people in my life to appease his jealousy, including one friend I'd had since kindergarten.

I used to write and perform songs at a coffee house, and when I described this hobby to him, he jokingly said "you should write a song about me." So I did. I spent a full week writing the lyrics, referencing times we'd shared and things we'd done together. When I sang it for him, he hated it because it didn't specifically mention his name so he said it could be "about anyone else."

There's more I'd like to say now, but I have to go.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I've been there. I ended up in jail a couple times and got fired too due to my alcohol abuse, which was my way of coping with my situation at the time.

So yeah, I've made poor decisions as well. I understand.

It's hard to find time and space to use this site, so forgive the late response.

There were some red flags from the beginning, but I was intensely in love and didn't think it would keep happening. Before we were together, I had never been with another person sexually by consent, but I had been sexually assaulted in my sleep once and drugged and raced on another occasion. When I disclosed this to him, he became angry and said that I "pretend to be so innocent" but that I let these things happen.

Thinking back, there were a lot of other things, like I used to have a large friend group and was very social. One time, a friend texted me an invitation to a community event, and he became so angry that he accused me of wanting to cheat on him. I cut off so many friends and people in my life to appease his jealousy, including one friend I'd had since kindergarten.

I used to write and perform songs at a coffee house, and when I described this hobby to him, he jokingly said "you should write a song about me." So I did. I spent a full week writing the lyrics, referencing times we'd shared and things we'd done together. When I sang it for him, he hated it because it didn't specifically mention his name so he said it could be "about anyone else."

There's more I'd like to say now, but I have to go.

It all sounds like coercive control and manipulative abuse to an outsider. I'm curious though- on if you actually want to leave him? It's very clear that he's a bad egg.

The childhood friend I mentioned- we were all so worried about would similarly talk about all the ways he'd hurt her but, I suppose unfathomably to us- she wouldn't leave him.

I get that it must be complicated and terrifying. I don't know what her reasons were really- fear of what they might do, holding on to what she had invested in, reluctance to leave the crumbs of affection he gave sometimes. Maybe he'd convinced her it was what she deserved. Her father had been a violent, abusive prick too. I suspect that had something to do with it. Sadly, people seem drawn to what they know.

I suppose as an outsider, it can be bewildering in a way and, heart breaking. That a person becomes so controlled, that they won't use their autonomy to try and get away.

I suppose it's weird really. For someone who doesn't treat themselves brilliantly well- I still don't think I'd accept that behaviour if someone were doing that to me! If you don't want to leave him, I suppose I'm curious as to why. Although ultimately, it's none of my business I realise.

I just feel so sad that people do end up in these kinds of relationships.

 

[birthdayboy]

It all sounds like coercive control and manipulative abuse to an outsider. I'm curious though- on if you actually want to leave him? It's very clear that he's a bad egg.

The childhood friend I mentioned- we were all so worried about would similarly talk about all the ways he'd hurt her but, I suppose unfathomably to us- she wouldn't leave him.

I get that it must be complicated and terrifying. I don't know what her reasons were really- fear of what they might do, holding on to what she had invested in, reluctance to leave the crumbs of affection he gave sometimes. Maybe he'd convinced her it was what she deserved. Her father had been a violent, abusive prick too. I suspect that had something to do with it. Sadly, people seem drawn to what they know.

I suppose as an outsider, it can be bewildering in a way and, heart breaking. That a person becomes so controlled, that they won't use their autonomy to try and get away.

I suppose it's weird really. For someone who doesn't treat themselves brilliantly well- I still don't think I'd accept that behaviour if someone were doing that to me! If you don't want to leave him, I suppose I'm curious as to why. Although ultimately, it's none of my business I realise.

I just feel so sad that people do end up in these kinds of relationships.

I've been with him since 2010 and there's nothing left of me, that's why. There's none of the happiness left, none of the hope, nothing to look forward to. He's completely broken me. I kept giving him another chance until it was too late.

Even if I left him, what would I be?

The person I was is already dead, and I just need to dispose of this husk.

It's really hard to explain just what an abuser can do, but there's nothing left at all once it goes too far.

I genuinely should have ended things the first time he exhibited a red flag. It wouldn't have been too late at that point, but it is now. It's been a very long time.

Just finished getting yelled at tonight because he was complaining about a salt shaker, then he looked me in the eye and said, "This is terrible," and I asked "Why?" He absolutely lost his shit on me and then told me it's my fault because I should have known to let him calm down before asking, "Why?" And once again, no way I could have predicted this would set him off. I thought it was going to be a normal conversation. Ended up getting a long lecture about how terrible I am, and then I think he realized he went too far so he launched a follow-up lecture about how I'm too sensitive and I need to be strong and control my feelings. Because you know, I had tears in my eyes and my hands start shaking when I feel afraid.

And that's also the trick. There's never a right thing to do, and there's no way to predict what's going to cause it next.

And I live like that all the time now. Buying something at the gas station or Walmart? I feel like I'm going to set someone off and get attacked, even if he's not there.

And there's no coming back from this. None. I'm completely broken, and if I can do myself just one last kindness, it will be to follow through my plan to CTB. That's self-care at this point.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I've been with him since 2010 and there's nothing left of me, that's why. There's none of the happiness left, none of the hope, nothing to look forward to. He's completely broken me. I kept giving him another chance until it was too late.

Even if I left him, what would I be?

The person I was is already dead, and I just need to dispose of this husk.

It's really hard to explain just what an abuser can do, but there's nothing left at all once it goes too far.

I genuinely should have ended things the first time he exhibited a red flag. It wouldn't have been too late at that point, but it is now. It's been a very long time.

Just finished getting yelled at tonight because he was complaining about a salt shaker, then he looked me in the eye and said, "This is terrible," and I asked "Why?" He absolutely lost his shit on me and then told me it's my fault because I should have known to let him calm down before asking, "Why?" And once again, no way I could have predicted this would set him off. I thought it was going to be a normal conversation. Ended up getting a long lecture about how terrible I am, and then I think he realized he went too far so he launched a follow-up lecture about how I'm too sensitive and I need to be strong and control my feelings. Because you know, I had tears in my eyes and my hands start shaking when I feel afraid.

And that's also the trick. There's never a right thing to do, and there's no way to predict what's going to cause it next.

And I live like that all the time now. Buying something at the gas station or Walmart? I feel like I'm going to set someone off and get attacked, even if he's not there.

And there's no coming back from this. None. I'm completely broken, and if I can do myself just one last kindness, it will be to follow through my plan to CTB. That's self-care at this point.

It's just so sad and appalling that a person can do this to another.

I don't doubt that it would be incredibly difficult to leave. Perhaps even dangerous. Also that the prospects of what you would be leaving for, maybe don't feel strong enough. Although- I suppose the main goal would be to achieve freedom and to hopefully not be in direct danger from this person anymore. Although, I'm sure you would need the help of others- charities. Probably police for a restraining order.

I've no doubt you would carry baggage from this. Likely, fear and suspicion would remain for a while but, the hope would be you would be out of immediate danger at least.

But then, it would be hypocritical of me to insist you can do it. You can fight for a better life. I think we all know ourselves how much fight we have left.

I also wonder what creates people like this. Those who constantly feel the need to dominate and belittle others. I have my own hatred of them, due to my own experiences.

 

[birthdayboy]

It's just so sad and appalling that a person can do this to another.

I don't doubt that it would be incredibly difficult to leave. Perhaps even dangerous. Also that the prospects of what you would be leaving for, maybe don't feel strong enough. Although- I suppose the main goal would be to achieve freedom and to hopefully not be in direct danger from this person anymore. Although, I'm sure you would need the help of others- charities. Probably police for a restraining order.

I've no doubt you would carry baggage from this. Likely, fear and suspicion would remain for a while but, the hope would be you would be out of immediate danger at least.

But then, it would be hypocritical of me to insist you can do it. You can fight for a better life. I think we all know ourselves how much fight we have left.

I also wonder what creates people like this. Those who constantly feel the need to dominate and belittle others. I have my own hatred of them, due to my own experiences.

I know what it is in his case. He has childhood trauma with a history of the worst kinds of abuse, and that's another reason (perhaps the primary reason) I've been able to repeatedly forgive even the worst words and actions. When he got his C-PTSD and ADHD diagnoses, I felt hopeful. Like, finally I thought he was on track to getting help. But instead, he refused to continue to see his psychiatrist even though it was covered by insurance, and whenever he goes off on me for who-knows-what (because I *have tried so hard* to learn his triggers, but I inevitably fail just by existing or interacting with him at all, or alternately by failing to interact in a sufficient or acceptable way), it just becomes "You should know that someone with PTSD/ADHD can't stand someone eating peanuts near them" (for example), even though we'd eaten peanuts together thousands of times before without incident.

And for context, I'm not exactly healthy myself. I have OCD, and even before meeting him I struggled to think of myself as a good person, constantly investigating myself for ways that I'm bad and obsessing over fears something might be terribly wrong with me. This has taught me to make an effort not to make that other people's problem, but then that too becomes part of the obsession. And I have my own trauma from SA and from ... all of this.

But life is hard enough for everybody, and in my opinion the least I can do is try to be kind to others. I don't *really* understand and never will how people can be cruel.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I know what it is in his case. He has childhood trauma with a history of the worst kinds of abuse, and that's another reason (perhaps the primary reason) I've been able to repeatedly forgive even the worst words and actions. When he got his C-PTSD and ADHD diagnoses, I felt hopeful. Like, finally I thought he was on track to getting help. But instead, he refused to continue to see his psychiatrist even though it was covered by insurance, and whenever he goes off on me for who-knows-what (because I *have tried so hard* to learn his triggers, but I inevitably fail just by existing or interacting with him at all, or alternately by failing to interact in a sufficient or acceptable way), it just becomes "You should know that someone with PTSD/ADHD can't stand someone eating peanuts near them" (for example), even though we'd eaten peanuts together thousands of times before without incident.

And for context, I'm not exactly healthy myself. I have OCD, and even before meeting him I struggled to think of myself as a good person, constantly investigating myself for ways that I'm bad and obsessing over fears something might be terribly wrong with me. This has taught me to make an effort not to make that other people's problem, but then that too becomes part of the obsession. And I have my own trauma from SA and from ... all of this.

But life is hard enough for everybody, and in my opinion the least I can do is try to be kind to others. I don't *really* understand and never will how people can be cruel.

I guess that's ultimately what I would struggle to accept I suppose. I can understand people having triggers that make them sad or fearful or annoyed even but, it seems more like he's looking for any old excuse to get angry with you. It sounds like it would be impossible to learn his triggers because there are likely new ones everyday! It sounds more like he just wants an excuse to become enraged.

Maybe it's unfair but, I doubt I'd care what could be causing that. I don't have much tolerance for bullies. It also sounds like gas lighting- 'You know this upsets me' when it never has before!

I think you have more compassion than I would really. But, I imagine it's fear as well. So as not to 'provoke' him.

 

[birthdayboy]

I guess that's ultimately what I would struggle to accept I suppose. I can understand people having triggers that make them sad or fearful or annoyed even but, it seems more like he's looking for any old excuse to get angry with you. It sounds like it would be impossible to learn his triggers because there are likely new ones everyday! It sounds more like he just wants an excuse to become enraged.

Maybe it's unfair but, I doubt I'd care what could be causing that. I don't have much tolerance for bullies. It also sounds like gas lighting- 'You know this upsets me' when it never has before!

I think you have more compassion than I would really. But, I imagine it's fear as well. So as not to 'provoke' him.

Fear is the #1 thing, yes. Like even now as I type this while he's asleep in the upstairs, I feel that any moment he might wake up and come storming in in a rage, because it's happened before, just out of nowhere. "You care more about your computer than me," "The neighbor kids are keeping me awake, you could have told them to be more quiet instead of wasting time," etc. I never, never know when it's going to come or what it's going to be. And like I said, I feel like that now even when he's nowhere nearby. I stayed overnight with my parents the night of Thanksgiving, and I couldn't enjoy my time with them at all because every second I was thinking I'd either get an angry text, or the moment I arrived home he'd be angry for some reason. And sure enough, when I came home at 4pm the following day, he was trying to sleep and became angry that the dogs started howling with joy when they saw me.

I don't even think he understands what he's doing, to be honest. I genuinely think he's just very reactive and often doesn't even realize what he's doing or saying. I could be wrong, but for example I think he genuinely believes it when he completely fabricates or misrepresents an event.

I have this little inside joke with myself that I should wear a bodycam 24/7 because if I ever went to see a therapist, they'd never believe that someone could act like he does.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Fear is the #1 thing, yes. Like even now as I type this while he's asleep in the upstairs, I feel that any moment he might wake up and come storming in in a rage, because it's happened before, just out of nowhere. "You care more about your computer than me," "The neighbor kids are keeping me awake, you could have told them to be more quiet instead of wasting time," etc. I never, never know when it's going to come or what it's going to be. And like I said, I feel like that now even when he's nowhere nearby. I stayed overnight with my parents the night of Thanksgiving, and I couldn't enjoy my time with them at all because every second I was thinking I'd either get an angry text, or the moment I arrived home he'd be angry for some reason. And sure enough, when I came home at 4pm the following day, he was trying to sleep and became angry that the dogs started howling with joy when they saw me.

I don't even think he understands what he's doing, to be honest. I genuinely think he's just very reactive and often doesn't even realize what he's doing or saying. I could be wrong, but for example I think he genuinely believes it when he completely fabricates or misrepresents an event.

I have this little inside joke with myself that I should wear a bodycam 24/7 because if I ever went to see a therapist, they'd never believe that someone could act like he does.

If you were actually free of him long enough, I imagine you would eventually start to relax a little. No doubt, there would still be anxiety there but, with the actual real threat gone, maybe things would start to feel calmer. But, it's a huge step to leave. I can understand that.

I used to think that. Does this person actually believe the lies they are saying about me? Have they hallucinated me doing these things?!! I think in my case, they knew. They were just being mannipulative for attention.

Really though, whether he means it malliciously or not, it's having the same affect on you! Besides, no reasonable person blames absolutely everything- including the behaviour of others on someone else! That's crazy.

I suppose I have my own bias. His traits sound more narcissistic to me. He thinks the world should revolve around him.

I do have some sense of what you're going through though. My childhood was full of fear. I was scared even to go to the toilet because I'd walk past their door. The moment they were in the room, it was likely they'd say or do something. I remember once I couldn't keep my hand from shaking trying to eat some peas and sweetcorn, it kept falling off! I was so afraid of what they'd do next. I just wish you could escape but I understand how hard that would be.

Does your family know the full extent of it? I imagine they are so worried for you.

 

[birthdayboy]

My parents know a little, but I don't say much specifically because I don't want them to worry. I called the crisis line once and ended up in the psych ward, and few people besides my employer even knew I was there. That happened the week after he cheated on me with my brother. He's clearly told some people I'm the problem, and a sister in law hates me and has told me multiple times to kms.

The hospital they put me in was 100 miles from home, and when they discharged me my husband wouldn't help me get home and got annoyed when I tried to talk about being in the psych ward, told me I was making him worry and to think about him for a change and not myself. Eventually I told my parents like a year later but made it sound like it was for substance abuse and not suicide.

I don't think anyone knows what happens at home, and I'm not sure how to explain it. I did qualify to see a therapist for free for a short time, and she wanted to help me leave the relationship but tbh I was too scared to leave him.

 

[InevitableDeath]

Run