Yeah, I suffer from them almost every night. While my life is improving and I'm trying to stay optimistic about the future, nightmares are something I greatly struggle with nowadays. While I don't always remember them (and I'm usually really relieved to wake up), they tend to revolve around various themes due to a bunch of screwed up traumatic experiences in my past. I really feel like I'm suffering from untreated PTSD, but I fear getting any form of treatment for it because I'd be way too scared to talk to a therapist about anything suicide-related since I don't want to be involuntarily committed and lose my guns (primary way of catching the bus if shit ever hits the fan beyond repair).
Don't wanna go into too much detail, but my nightmares generally center around repeating themes that screw with me like no tomorrow. One theme is always ending up on some world that is mostly made of water, and getting dragged down to the bottom of the ocean with these god-awful monstrous noises/screams with these gigantic sea monsters. I also have dreams about being trapped in a room with no hope of escape while having to suffer through my darkest memories/fears.
Another theme is being trapped in the old World Trade Center twin towers and dying as they collapse, or jumping to my death. I work in a tower, and sometimes when I look out the windows, I feel like I need to die like the people from the North Tower. I'm also a survivor of Russian roulette, having previously played the game six times. I should have died and would have died on the third game had I actually pulled the trigger. First three games were one bullet, then two bullets, then three bullets. Third game was a 50/50 shot, and I should have died, but I backed out. Did a repeat of games one to three with games four to six, and with game six being a 50/50 shot, I actually mustered up the guts to pull the trigger...and lived. Nightmares with Russian roulette, I don't always remember too well, but I always hear that iconic cylinder spinning noise with the hammer cocking in those nightmares, and sometimes I die in those dreams. It's like a giant instant painful BOOM to the head, and I instantly wake up sweating and panting. Interestingly enough, I wake up with headaches whenever I have those types of nightmares. Then there's another theme where these shadow figures/monsters with glowing white eyes chase after me screaming or trying to merge with me to physically erase me, my memories, my mind:
Then there's other nightmares relating to past events from when I was younger, but usually distorted and much,
MUCH darker than from what I remember, though I've suffered through some pretty screwed up major life events in the past. Last sets of nightmares don't happen as often, but typically center around trying to escape a tsunami or a tornado coming at me, though in those dreams, I always survive oddly enough. And then there's other nightmares that I just have no memory of in general.
Yeah, nightmares 100% suck big time. It's very rare that I dream of nothing and even rarer that I actually have a good dream. Dang nightmares leaving me more tired than usual during the day. Wish there was a way to make them go away without having to see a therapist or risk getting committed. Can't talk about the suicide stuff with them. Just can't. One of my biggestest fears is involuntary committment. No thank you.
