Does anyone else feel responsible for someone's suicide how Do you deal with it?

[noname223]

How Do you manage to live with this?

 

[AuroraB]

My mom suicided by gun in the early 1990s. I was in my late 20s. I'm in my early 60s now. She left daughters behind, the youngest was 22. The first few years were hellish because, over the phone- I was across the country, 3 days before she CTB she mentioned she wasn't recovering well from her pnemonia and wanted "blow her head off." I inquired further as I knew there were recreational guns in the house and she negated my concerns claiming that she was "just venting. But 3 days later, she was gone. So lots of nightmares and wouldda-couldda-shoulddas for the first 1-5 years. After I while, I started to find peace in her being gone. It certainly made MY life and the lives of my sisters easier. She was a successful professional but at at home mental health train wreck so I finally came to feeling liberated from having to deal with her for 40 more years until her old age. Now I look bad with sadness but also with gratitude. Her death freed me to live without all her anguish and rage. My sisters and I came into a small amount of $ from that and I invested mine, it grew a bit, and I have a bit of a financial cushion now because of it meaning I'm not living paycheck to paycheck. I had other older women in my life who I could talk to when I needed wise counsel. My mom was undiagnosed but I'm sure she was manic bipolar and also borderline - she was so erratic and unpredictable and could be very violent. I never had kids because I didn't want to become like her or pass her crazy on via DNA. I look forward to my eternal dirt nap. There are lots of people I wish I could just erase from memory, she's one. My own eventual death will be liberating too.

 

[noname223]

My roommate thinks it is all paranoia. Noone blames me for her death in the clinic.

 

[noname223]

Not guilty the woman killed herself prior to my conversation about suicide with the other patients. 1,5 hours before we had this talk.

I am innocent. Damn