does anyone else feel 100% certain about ctb then switch to feeling there is hope

[tiredofbreathing]

Its like sometimes im 100% certain but then there are a few times I feel better physically and think there is hope and I wonder if I should try harder. Part of me is just tired tho and want to leave. the road to recovery is a long one and im tried of being like this

 

[SuicidalOrganism]

yes and i hate it, especially when you know things are futile.

 

[letmegetout]

Yh I can relate to this

 

[Hollowman]

Yeah, just false hope though.

 

[Reality_Surfer]

Theres some pushback

A little fire in me that tries to fight against suicidal thoughts when they come. But it's so strange to see it come and go, and get weaker each time. I'm truly seeing/feeling what it means to lose hope. I want to give up entirely and be done with this inner conflict but I can't deny the little flame inside.
As weak its getting its still there. Im ready for it die though.

 

[EternalShore]

truly relatable~ My life has just been me fighting against the world on the slightest bit of hope (or nowadays, none at all) that I'll finally get what I so desire after all this time. >_<

 

[AerialBoundaries]

I always get the brief feeling of hope, for an hour or 2, then it's back to reality.

I can't be fixed because you can't fix what isn't broken to begin with. I'm just different and I don't fit in or belong in our society. Perhaps if there was more education and support in regards to people on the spectrum, then maybe I'd be seen a different light, but I feel completely isolated.

 

[leavingsoon99]

I can relate, although now I'm at peace with it. I realize that there's no future for me. I empathize with you, though.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Its like sometimes im 100% certain but then there are a few times I feel better physically and think there is hope and I wonder if I should try harder. Part of me is just tired tho and want to leave. the road to recovery is a long one and im tried of being like this

I have reached a point where to me CTB is 100% inevitable and it's the one and only logical consequence to end my endless agony and pain I have to endure since years. I know the problem that kills me but there is no way for me to fix it in a way that would be acceptable for me.

I'm ready to go ahead with my method at any time, I could do it now and it would be over in a few hours, but I'm hesitant ... this kills me either.

 

[feder]

Every single day, my mood switches from wanting to hang myself (i already got the place and the rope) to feeling OK to feeling good and then back to SI. This happens every couple hours. I fucking hate it.

 

[Unknown21]

I have to remind myself that there's no hope.

 

[peachchildtenshi]

I constantly switch from being insanely pessimistic to overly optimistic day by day hour by hour and I honestly dont even understand why this is happening in the first place, same goes for my emotional state.All I do know is that there is no hope for me no matter how hard I try to improve myself for the better.I dont believe in hope nor miracle anymore,I wish for nothing but death, given my SI doesnt stop me.

 

[AnxietyHangover]

This happened to me last Saturday. I was ready to go (I have everything needed to attempt partial) but for some reason I couldn't bring myself to do it. I hate myself, because I know in my mind that everything is futile. Sadly time is running out for me, I have to decide soon.

 

[Xta4Love]

Theres some pushback

A little fire in me that tries to fight against suicidal thoughts when they come. But it's so strange to see it come and go, and get weaker each time. I'm truly seeing/feeling what it means to lose hope. I want to give up entirely and be done with this inner conflict but I can't deny the little flame inside.
As weak its getting its still there. Im ready for it die though.

I relate to this 100% there is still a flame burning. I wish it would die. Im not getting better. I tried for two years with no improvement whatsoever.

 

[OceanBlue]

Definitely and it's tiring. I know that if I don't ctb in this moment, the future will bring more of these thoughts, I hope I won't be persuaded to 'try/fail again' before I finish planning everything. There are some things I was lucky enough to avoid in life and no way I want to live further and bring this on myself.

 

[leftdreaming]

I feel both at the same time. The ideation is near constant and so is my coping mechanisms. I'm stuck in limbo.

 

[sometimes.sometimes]

This happens to me all the time. One week I have a plan to CTB, and the next week I have a plan to fix my life. I try to fix my life, but it doesn't work, and then I plan to CTB again if that makes sense. The cycle just continues. I do hope one day though the plan to fix my life is successful, so all of this can stop. As each plan fails, though, that hope just kind of dwindles.

 

[Busridin'26]

Yeee iand it causes me a lot of emotional pain. Im finding the changes happening more often though like feelin ok woth living/trying & then... realizing its pointless...

 

[toofargone6969]

Yes, every day. When I take my benzos at night to get a few pathetic hours of sleep I feel some hope and some relief, like maybe I will get better and I'll get my life back. Then it all comes crashing down and I want to die. Sometimes in the morning I have some hope for a couple hours, sometimes none at all. But then when I think about actually going through with CTB I know I can't even though it's all I think about. Then I have some hope again to recover, then it goes away. A constant cycle of pain and confusion. I'm very sensitive to physical pain and to medicine so almost all methods intensely terrify me.

 

[leftdreaming]

Hope? No, not usually. I usually stay at unmotivated suicidal and jump between that and "I really outta do it."
Closest I have to hope would be waiting until I do the least damage with my death. Seems like procrastination to me, though.

 

[Zero Two]

I came to the conclusion that I can do everything I have to do in 2 years. If in those 2 years I cant manage to feel better, Ill ctb. Ive been struggling with indecisiveness for about 8 years, im tired of nothing changing, so I finally decided 2 years should be enough to fully decide and enjoy every second before I take off.

 

[NoWayOut015]

I can relate to this a lot. Most of the time everything feels so hopeless and then I get reminded of the person I once was who had a fire for life inside. Honestly, it's really exhausting

 

[seaweed]

very..

 

[pettyqueen]

Yes. That's why I'm still here

 

[jemetire]

This happens to me every few weeks and I don't know what to do with it and mostly it's false hope

 

[ZoloftSüchtig]

Yes I feel you. Sometimes I'm 100% sure I'm gonna ctb only to then regain some hope the next day that things can go better only to then again get let down. Maybe I do have hope of a better life but to achieve that I need to fight and I don't know if I'm strong enough to continue to fight. I'm exhausted.

 

[Sweet Tart]

I'm staying with family but not really welcome here. My mom just reminded me that they thought I would need a few months to get over my depression and start working again (it's been over a year). She constantly reminds me that I'm doing poorly and there is so much pressure for me to "get better." Everyday I think about killing myself and have been working on my plan to do it when they are away. But when my family goes away for a day or more, I feel like I can breathe and I have some quality of life.

 

[Ambivalent1]

Humans are contradictory, Lovecraftian abominations. Thankfully, I'm made of air with a cytoplasmic shell.

 

[Defenestration]

Yes, its very very very boring.
Huge energy to think/act for ctb...100/100 I want to die.
at the moment to die, ( Fuck off survival instinct) little Hope of my life/fear to survive ...and again depressed and need to xtb

 

[outrider567]

Hope? Nope