i vaguely recall a feeling in which at rare times i've been took by surprise and realised i felt alive and i was actually living.
Please bear with me as it's hard to explain especially as that rare feeling is hazy since it's been so long since i've experienced it.
It kind of felt like: wow this is actually happening. This is what life feels like. You feel content. It feels like home even when you're in a completely unfamiliar place nowhere near home and/or with someone you don't live with. You feel right, like you're ment to be there. You never want that moment to pass. It feels like that moment in time should be preserved in a snow globe and you would happily exist in it for eternity if you could.
I can imagine we all have a different experience of feeling alive. I understand what you mean. I would say the awareness of the moment of living never occurs when the event that is supporting the experience is happening. Because one big factor is immersion; when you're fully immersed in the moment thoughts and feelings meld into one. You feel what you think you're thinking.
when you get so immersed in a video game , or watching a video other things you do forget yourself and all things outside the activity you are engaged in . so imo during all that time you are immersed in that activity you become the thoughts relating to that activity what is going on in the video for example . during that immersed time you are only those thoughts relating to that activity you lose yourself . you watch a video you become only the reaction to that video if you don't pay attention to the attention. you only exist when you think i am watching the video and what am i and why am i doing this and why am i having this reaction to the video is there something else i should be doing instead. but what is myself what am i? so you don't exists during that time. also you don't exist during dreamless sleep. also you don't exist during dreaming sleep imo cause that's not you that's some bizare thoughts going on in those dreams that re not me . i would realize the things going on in a dream are not real , couldn't be happening etc. but the "me" observing the dream doesn't. so all those times you are on autopilot also doing a chore, work , watching a video , video game etc. you don't exist . imo you only exist when you are reflecting on who you are your life and your goals . And that is a small number of minutes during the day , for me a very small number of minutes during the day. but when i really think about things what i am , that we all die anyway i see suicide is a rational decision for me. imo what i am what a human is an abomination life is an abomination, sometimes consciuos of the horror of being trapped in the body of a small animal that can and will suffer exreme pain . life is wortheless meaningles torture prison slavery an imposition.
what am i? I agree with the 1000 brains theory .
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"There is no whole self. Any of life's present situations is seamless and sufficient. Are you, as you ponder these disquietudes, anything more than an indifference gliding over the argument | make, or an appraisal of the opinions I expound? —JORGE LUIS BORGES
― Jorge Luis Borges
You've kind of touched on something I'm deeply passionate about, the nature of self. I have a different opinion about moments of existence, which is just simply the reverse of yours I guess. The moments we don't exist would be when we are pondering our existence. When we are truly existing we are not separate from the reality occurring around us. This is probably a similar idea to the Buddhist concept of self, which is that individuality is an illusion, and there is only one reality, which is the true self, living through innumerable forms and dimensions.
I think this also tracks more closely with the 1000 brains theory, than your view of existing only when you ponder yourself. Who you think you are, is an aspect of the brain's intelligence arising from the collective activity of thousands of independent models created by cortical columns, each using its own reference frame, and combining their predictions to form a coherent perception and understanding of the world. Your self identity is as much a product of modelling as your perception of the world. There is no true self.
This is also similar to a proposed reason why PTSD occurs. When you experience an event that forces you to restructure the frame work of what you perceived as reality, in favor of what is actually occurring. For instance, a soldier in war kills another man, creating a dissociation between who they perceive themselves as "not a killer", and the reality of killing that has occurred. The brain if forced to restructure its perception of itself, this restructuring causes PTSD, as you attempt to assimilate this new reality. Eventually when you accept it, the model is updated and the PTSD is resolved. There is no definitive self staying consistent across time.
With this in mind, self-reflection as an illusion of intellect, becomes apparent to me at least. I mean, even though you try to "get at it" or understand yourself, you never will; you can never get at this thing of what is perceiving the moment. It's like trying to create the sound of a clap with one hand, as the buddhist koan goes. It's an illusion so there is no self to understand, that's why as you said
"I am not sure that I exist, actually. I am all the writers that I have read, all the people that I have met, all the women that I have loved; all the cities I have visited" which is true imo, your perception of self does not exist. You are what you need to be in the moment, that is living, that is survival. The furthermost end of this reality, is to completely become other. Just as every animal blends into its surrounding and what stands out cannot persist in this world; truly living is to be immersed in the reality; to flow with it like water.
