Yes, very much so. I'm sad for everyone on here. I'm sad for people who know me. It's the main reason I'm still around, still procrastinating. I never anticipated still being here now.
I'm afraid my family is going to struggle without me. In little ways, that don't seem important or all that noticable until I really started scrutinizing it. We're all adults, but my youngest sibling adores me. I never realized how much until recently. The other day, I said something offhand about not deserving something that someone did for me, and she told me I deserve the world. It broke my heart. She's told me she's glad we can talk because I'm the only person she can safely tell all her morbid jokes to or things like that. And she can't technology to save her life. I bail her out about 50 times a day. Who's going to remind her to cancel her prime trial before she's charged or to get a refund on the thing she forgot she ordered but never got?
Pretty much everyone comes to me for stupid technology help. Pretty much everyone comes to me just to vent. When they have problems with each other, I'm who they turn to. I'm not the glue of the family, but sometimes it feels like I'm the control center. Except it's more subtle than that, and all this makes me sound conceited.
My dad is battling cancer, and I paused my plans until he's better. Or not. I don't know what's going to happen, but I felt like his chances of surviving were better if he wasn't hit with my death. I don't want to kill my dad, so I decided to wait a little longer.
My mom kind of considers me her best friend. She thinks I'm the good child. Parents aren't supposed to have favorites, but I kind of am. Ha! Things she doesn't know...
My son is grown, but he's still learning how to life. I have to walk him through little things like how to get a bank account or deal with the insurance company. He bought a gun, and that terrifies me on many levels. He says it's for protection. I'm afraid there's more, and I can't do anything about it. I especially can't do anything once I'm gone. I can't keep him safe no matter what I do.
And I worry about my cat, and it's stupid that I have one again because that was absolutely not part of the plan and really complicates things. He seems to like me, and he definitely relies on me. He's purring on my shoulder as I type this.
Mostly I worry about my best friend. I can see what kind of hole I'll leave in his life. He has other people, but we share things noone else in his life does. I'll be taking that away from him. I'm in a position to hurt him worse than anyone else, and that makes me feel like the shittiest person in the world. Because he's always done everything for me and is the best person, and I'm going to do it anyway.
I see all of this and so much more, and I'm going to do it anyway. I'm going to destroy everyone, and I know it, and I'm going to do it anyway. I can't live for other people. But I don't know how I'm going to leave them.