Venting Do you wish that you died at a younger age?

[FuneralCry]

I do, but I wish that I never existed in the first place of course, only to never be burdened with the ability to suffer so extremely is perfection, existence is just a terrible curse that only causes harm and suffering after all.
But anyway I really do feel like I've been trapped in this existence for an eternity, it's now a couple of months away from being 23 years long which feels so old, I've existed for such a long time and it disturbs me how this existence could potentially continue for much longer.

I believe that the less time spent in this hellish and harmful reality the better as to die means the prevention of futile, unnecessary suffering, suicide is self care because one cannot suffer from not existing yet there is no limit as to how much one can suffer as long as they exist.

Only nothingness comforts me, I always see the eternity of death as being preferable to the cruelty and uncertainty of existence where there is no peace from ourselves and our thoughts, the only relief from existence lies in nothingness, death is ideal as then existence isn't my problem anymore.

 

[soft-flower345]

I'm torn, on one hand it would have been wonderful if I just died the first time I attempted to CTB. On the other hand I have since made a lot of happy memories and met new people I care very deeply for. It's not enough to have a change of heart, but I am thankful I got to have some of those experiences and meet some of these people before finally ending it all.

 

[sserafim]

I do, but I wish that I never existed in the first place of course, only to never be burdened with the ability to suffer so extremely is perfection, existence is just a terrible curse that only causes harm and suffering after all.
But anyway I really do feel like I've been trapped in this existence for an eternity, it's now a couple of months away from being 23 years long which feels so old, I've existed for such a long time and it disturbs me how this existence could potentially continue for much longer.

I believe that the less time spent in this hellish and harmful reality the better as to die means the prevention of futile, unnecessary suffering, suicide is self care because one cannot suffer from not existing yet there is no limit as to how much one can suffer as long as they exist.

Only nothingness comforts me, I always see the eternity of death as being preferable to the cruelty and uncertainty of existence where there is no peace from ourselves and our thoughts, the only relief from existence lies in nothingness, death is ideal as then existence isn't my problem anymore.

Yes, I wish I died before I reached adulthood. I'm 23 now and the thought of being a real adult terrifies me. I wish I died at like 16 or 17, maybe even 15. I hate adulting so much. The thought of having to work for 40 years and live for 60 years scares me. I can't even imagine living that long. I've known ever since I was young that I would definitely ctb before 25 though, and I will.

If I had a choice, I also would've chosen to never exist in the first place.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Yes. It would have been seen as tragic rather than pathetic as it will be now.

 

[haibane]

definitely, i didnt had the courage at the time to do it but 16sound like the perfect age to do it.

 

[BlazingBob]

One of my biggest mistakes, and I've made many, was not ctb when I was 25. I'm almost 51 and worse than ever both physically and mentally. I would've avoided so much struggle and dashed hopes.

 

[LikeAPendulum]

Oh hell yeah.

I chickened out from lynching myself from a balcony when I was 14. Could've died young and clean, rather than grow old and dirty.

 

[JJMaynard97]

I do, but I wish that I never existed in the first place of course, only to never be burdened with the ability to suffer so extremely is perfection, existence is just a terrible curse that only causes harm and suffering after all.
But anyway I really do feel like I've been trapped in this existence for an eternity, it's now a couple of months away from being 23 years long which feels so old, I've existed for such a long time and it disturbs me how this existence could potentially continue for much longer.

I believe that the less time spent in this hellish and harmful reality the better as to die means the prevention of futile, unnecessary suffering, suicide is self care because one cannot suffer from not existing yet there is no limit as to how much one can suffer as long as they exist.

Only nothingness comforts me, I always see the eternity of death as being preferable to the cruelty and uncertainty of existence where there is no peace from ourselves and our thoughts, the only relief from existence lies in nothingness, death is ideal as then existence isn't my problem anymore.

Yep I do, I always thought about it as a kid. Should have done it back then. Saved the pain!
Then a part of me wants to go back and hold him tight and direct him down a brighter path. Not the path that I ended up down.

 

[kipper]

death was something i always thought of in a "wow, i could die. huh." sort of way but it was when i was around 12 i realized i could die by my own hand. i had always planned to and expected to not make it to 18, but here i am at 24... part of me is glad i got to experience new things and gain closure for some trauma i had endured. but also, lately im thinking about dying again as the world has become more stressful and expensive to live in, especially for me as a disabled person. im still feeling as i was as a kid; the world isnt built for me to live in. im glad for things to have become more accommodating to where for a brief period i did have a chance to experience living well. however, it isnt in a place where i can exist contently. it hurts and im stuck. i suppose to answer your question, i wish i did get to leave while i was still younger. ideally, i wish it could have ended before i could experience the abuse and future traumas i went through. and also before i could have become so intertwined with the lives of others as i care so much that the thought of leaving them makes me anxious. they're innocent when it comes to my gripe with the world and i wish i could leave without it impacting them. ultimately, i hope for another world that isnt as painful to exist in as this one.

 

[Death is my goal]

oh 100%

 

[ClownWorld2023]

Yup.

 

[sserafim]

death was something i always thought of in a "wow, i could die. huh." sort of way but it was when i was around 12 i realized i could die by my own hand. i had always planned to and expected to not make it to 18, but here i am at 24... part of me is glad i got to experience new things and gain closure for some trauma i had endured. but also, lately im thinking about dying again as the world has become more stressful and expensive to live in, especially for me as a disabled person. im still feeling as i was as a kid; the world isnt built for me to live in. im glad for things to have become more accommodating to where for a brief period i did have a chance to experience living well. however, it isnt in a place where i can exist contently. it hurts and im stuck. i suppose to answer your question, i wish i did get to leave while i was still younger. ideally, i wish it could have ended before i could experience the abuse and future traumas i went through. and also before i could have become so intertwined with the lives of others as i care so much that the thought of leaving them makes me anxious. they're innocent when it comes to my gripe with the world and i wish i could leave without it impacting them. ultimately, i hope for another world that isnt as painful to exist in as this one.

Yeah same, I never expected to reach 18 either. I always thought that I would've died before then. I'm neurodivergent (Asperger's and ADHD (technically disabled as well)), and I get what you mean about the world not being built for you. I hate the fact that I'm expected to function and live in a world not built for me. Ugh honestly I think that I'm just not meant to be in this world.

 

[HerLastWords]

Yes, I do wish that. In fact it almost happened when I was still a baby, but some people came and stopped my biological mother from doing so. But I think that instead of dying, I would rather just have not existed at all, like, just being somewhere peaceful without actually existing in this world. I apologize if this doesn't make any sense, I always have a hard time trying to explain this feeling.

 

[justanotherhuman237]

definitely! the way i see it the longer you live, the worse everything gets

 

[Dark Moon]

Yeah I kind of wish I had succeeded in doing it as teenager. It would have saved a lot of pain.

 

[noleftovers]

Absolutely. I wish I'd been successful with my first attempt at 13. I'm 27 now, and all I can think about is how much misery could have been avoided if I CTB 14 years ago. I really thought it couldn't get any worse back then and that I'd be missing out on good memories if I didn't give life another chance. How wrong I was.

 

[DEATH IS FREEDOM]

Dying young is the best death. Or at least dying before reaching old age. Then you avoid being tormented by diseases and age-related ailments. Life became pointless suffering when I began to suffer from chronic pain and chronic illness. People with chronic health problems should have the right to euthanasia worldwide which will probably be possible in the future. But that will be too late for me. It is my parents fault that I exist and suffer so I should get the same support that Sanne got from her father. But I live in an environment that is in denial of death. No one cares about the suffering of others here. It is not possible to talk to family. People are expected to die from old age no matter how life turns out for us. I have no other choice than to do it alone. I do not want to experience another birthday. But what I am most afraid of is dying alone. I want someone to be there. If something goes wrong. People can have children but most parents take no responsibility for death. Yet birth is the cause of suffering and death. I will not die because I write here. All it takes is one act of courage. Only the fear has been in the way.

 

[Seered Doom]

Wish I could've died around 12-16, but somehow I'm still here

 

[MelancholicMundane]

I've had suicidal ideation since I was 10. I never went through with it because I thought it was just something people grow out of as they got older. Unfortunately for me, it's only gotten worse. Now, I'm 24 and am sure about my CTB. I just wished I hadn't waited so long because now I feel guilty for becoming such a huge part in some people's lives and will cause them pain when I leave.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

Yes definitely. I go back over my life all the time thinking where I went wrong and what I would've done different. But as soon as I get to around 21 I'm stumped-even if I knew exactly what to avoid I still don't know what I'd do instead. Adulthood seems to just involve work/marriage/kids/travel and I'm just not interested in any of those things. My 20s were the worst years of my life (well from about 22) and so far my 30s have been pretty awful too. I think the writing was on the wall when I went to university as a way to put off work for a few years but had zero interest or excitement for it like everyone else did. Then of course I dropped out which was always gonna happen and wasted the rest of my 20s either unemployed or working part-time dead end jobs. Time does go quickly, and now I'm mid-30s with no prospects at all, still you couldn't pay me to go through the last 15 years again even if I could've come out of it slightly better.

 

[ClamChowder]

I wish I died when I was a teen. It would have prevented a lot of misery.

 

[sserafim]

Yes definitely. I go back over my life all the time thinking where I went wrong and what I would've done different. But as soon as I get to around 21 I'm stumped-even if I knew exactly what to avoid I still don't know what I'd do instead. Adulthood seems to just involve work/marriage/kids/travel and I'm just not interested in any of those things. My 20s were the worst years of my life (well from about 22) and so far my 30s have been pretty awful too. I think the writing was on the wall when I went to university as a way to put off work for a few years but had zero interest or excitement for it like everyone else did. Then of course I dropped out which was always gonna happen and wasted the rest of my 20s either unemployed or working part-time dead end jobs. Time does go quickly, and now I'm mid-30s with no prospects at all, still you couldn't pay me to go through the last 15 years again even if I could've come out of it slightly better.

Same, I'm just not interested in adulthood either. I don't think that it would be meaningful. I don't want to work or get married or have kids. I just don't find meaning in these things, and don't desire them. However I do desire travel though. I can't even imagine living past 25, and I don't want to. I want to ctb before 25 so I can escape adulthood and having to be a real adult. After 25 people expect you to have your whole life figured out, and so far I haven't figured out what I want to do. I honestly don't want to do or be anything. I don't dream of labor. I have so much anxiety about the future. Ugh I wish I could've stayed in college forever. My life has been terrible ever since graduating last year. I hate adulthood!

 

[space-jester]

i'm not entirely sure. i think the first time i thought about dying i was maybe 11 or 12 but i had bad mental health *consciously* stuff since i was 8 or 7. i think im generally glad i didn't but sometimes it feels like it would be a lot easier if i did. my like main age is 27 but i wouldnt mind if it were sooner.
i have a lot of shit to do before anything and i guess thats why i didnt do it sooner :P

 

[zwillz]

In active addition all I thought about was getting high enough to CTB, through many of my teen years I would purposely take overdoses to CTB and wake up the next day. I remember one time I took my entire script of Klonopin (90x 1mgs) and thought for sure that would be it, waking up the next day baffled. All I really think about now a days is the regret I have from not CTB from and overdose in active addition because at least then my loved ones would have something to blame, now it would just be what it is, and they would be devastated. My biggest regret in life is not CTB while I had an excuse.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I wish I'd died of natural causes much earlier on- certainly. Better still- it would have been better not to have been born to begin with. I don't wish I'd CTB earlier though. It's always been my hope to hold off until my closer family members die first. They still would have been upset with a natural death I think but, I think people find it comparatively easier to accept- because it's just that- natural and unavoidable.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

Yes. If I knew how much pointless suffering I would experience as an adult, then I would have no doubt CTB in my early teens.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

Same, I'm just not interested in adulthood either. I don't think that it would be meaningful. I don't want to work or get married or have kids. I just don't find meaning in these things, and don't desire them. However I do desire travel though. I can't even imagine living past 25, and I don't want to. I want to ctb before 25 so I can escape adulthood and having to be a real adult. After 25 people expect you to have your whole life figured out, and so far I haven't figured out what I want to do. I honestly don't want to do or be anything. I don't dream of labor. I have so much anxiety about the future. Ugh I wish I could've stayed in college forever. My life has been terrible ever since graduating last year. I hate adulthood!

It's so tough figuring out what to do once you have control over your own life (and so many ways to mess it up!) I was ok whilst at school and just doing what everyone does...but I have zero ambition so I guess that's a problem! Yes the future is very daunting. Could you do more school or go travelling for a bit?

 

[brokeandbroken]

I do, but I wish that I never existed in the first place of course, only to never be burdened with the ability to suffer so extremely is perfection, existence is just a terrible curse that only causes harm and suffering after all.
But anyway I really do feel like I've been trapped in this existence for an eternity, it's now a couple of months away from being 23 years long which feels so old, I've existed for such a long time and it disturbs me how this existence could potentially continue for much longer.

I believe that the less time spent in this hellish and harmful reality the better as to die means the prevention of futile, unnecessary suffering, suicide is self care because one cannot suffer from not existing yet there is no limit as to how much one can suffer as long as they exist.

Only nothingness comforts me, I always see the eternity of death as being preferable to the cruelty and uncertainty of existence where there is no peace from ourselves and our thoughts, the only relief from existence lies in nothingness, death is ideal as then existence isn't my problem anymore.

I wish I was aborted.... I wish I had died everyday before today. I don't know happiness., joy, or meaning.... They are foreign concepts to me.

 

[Spiritual survivor]

If I had known what my life was going to be like I would have definitely wanted to be gone by age 23. It got majorly worse after my early 20's as I began to really fail in employment and in relationships. It just got really ugly and downright tragic after that age. I had some fleeting good times but it really was overshadowed by the problem that I've largely felt excluded from society and I was suffering with undiagnosed autism all these years not knowing. I'm 46 now literally just figuring out it's autism.

Yeah same, I never expected to reach 18 either. I always thought that I would've died before then. I'm neurodivergent (Asperger's and ADHD (technically disabled as well)), and I get what you mean about the world not being built for you. I hate the fact that I'm expected to function and live in a world not built for me. Ugh honestly I think that I'm just not meant to be in this world.

I have both conditions as well, my life has been filled with pain and loss

 

[sserafim]

If I had known what my life was going to be like I would have definitely wanted to be gone by age 23. It got majorly worse after my early 20's as I began to really fail in employment and in relationships. It just got really ugly and downright tragic after that age. I had some fleeting good times but it really was overshadowed by the problem that I've largely felt excluded from society and I was suffering with undiagnosed autism all these years not knowing. I'm 46 now literally just figuring out it's autism.

Sorry to hear that. Autism/Asperger's sucks. I have it as well as ADHD, and I'm planning to ctb before 25 maximum. I hate that ASD even has to exist in the first place. There's no cure or medication for it, and we'll always be handicapped socially. We literally have an invisible disability that makes our lives miserable and robs us of our potential.