For the past 20ish years, I have been working diligently on myself, examining my deepest depths, learning about this and that, endeavoring to better understand the root causes of my lineup of maladies- all with the hope of attaining some sort of improvement or answer or something, anything...?
At this point, I feel like enough is enough. I will never be fit to exist (much less thrive) in society. This isn't just some pity party. I have genuinely given it my all. I have not come to my decision to end my life lightly.
For now, I just bide my time for the sake of my frail, ill-fated parents. My sympathy for them presently overrides my desire to die. But the day will come that my coping mechanisms wear thin again; and when that happens, my desire to die will exceed all other feelings.
The difference between my past attempts and my upcoming attempt is that I now have a better grasp on how to carry out an effective/complete suicide. I hope.