Do you WANT to CTB, or do you feel like you HAVE to CTB?

[Cockney_Rebel]

Myself, I get a lot of intrusive thoughts, telling me to do it.

That I have to do it, even though at the time I may not be feeling like doing it.

I have a dual diagnosis of EUPD/BPD and OCD, so this could explain some of it. However, I have received zero help from the mental health "service" and I have become addicted to overdosing. I just love it.

So how about you? Do you really want to die, or is it more a case of you thinking that you have to die?

 

[Promortalist_]

My life keeps getting worse due to my incompetence so I have to die before things get real ugly.

 

[LivideLamb]

A very interesting question to be honest.

I feel like there is nothing pushing me or peer pressuring me to CTB ; maybe except myself.
With some alternative life choices, I guess I could go to uni, get a 9 to 5 job, maybe even have a loving family. But I guess my irrational fear of growing old and crushing mental issues and illnesses are, or will, drive me, one way or the other, to actually CTB in due time.

At least I can choose when and how.

 

[Loneliest]

I definitely don't want to die but I want this misery to end. The only thing I could do to take this pain away is ctb. I had tried for years hoping things could change but I've come to conclusion that ctb is my only way to be truly happy.

 

[S like Siren]

Well...I have no one I can rely on. I am alone in the world. I have a shit family that makes my depression worse. I have no friends and no one to talk to. I am incompetent and I'm not good in doing anything.the boutes of depression which whom i suffer are so powerful that they lead me to hurt myself physically so that all the suffering I feel could stop.I'm out of society and i live like a prisoner in my room and house.I can't talk about intrusive thought but it's like a deep interior force that makes me feel like it's better that i kill myself because i'm worthless and noone cares about me and never will...never will love me,never will be my friend.I have no particular talent or skill and depression took away the pleasure of doing every thing.So i wanted a different life...would like to have a partner and friends and something like a loving family and goals to reach but my reality sucks....is like i don't really exist...i feel like i'm.a mistake and i should die.

 

[Mr2005]

The last one

 

[Walkingcorpse123]

I want to CTB

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I don't want to ctb, but I do want to die. I know my death will cause pain to some people who are very dear to me, and I know that me killing myself will make the sting worse for them.

I'm not likely to die soon by regular or tragic means, so if I want to die, I have to do it myself.

 

[FohPah]

Definitely feel more like I *need* than *want* to die.

 

[noxin]

I don't want to ctb, but I do want to die. I know my death will cause pain to some people who are very dear to me, and I know that me killing myself will make the sting worse for them.

I'm not likely to die soon by regular or tragic means, so if I want to die, I have to do it myself.

I didn't know how to word it myself but I think this is how it feels.

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

That sounds awful. Definitely sounds like intrusive thoughts IMO, too. Mmm, I want to die. Sometimes I also feel a strong "need" to die, but… I would rather act on my own desire versus that pressure, if it makes sense.

 

[BrokenLine]

Well...I have no one I can rely on. I am alone in the world. I have a shit family that makes my depression worse. I have no friends and no one to talk to. I am incompetent and I'm not good in doing anything.the boutes of depression which whom i suffer are so powerful that they lead me to hurt myself physically so that all the suffering I feel could stop.I'm out of society and i live like a prisoner in my room and house.I can't talk about intrusive thought but it's like a deep interior force that makes me feel like it's better that i kill myself because i'm worthless and noone cares about me and never will...never will love me,never will be my friend.I have no particular talent or skill and depression took away the pleasure of doing every thing.So i wanted a different life...would like to have a partner and friends and something like a loving family and goals to reach but my reality sucks....is like i don't really exist...i feel like i'm.a mistake and i should die.

Pretty much the same as this.

 

[archipelago]

I've thought a lot about this. I recognize that I don't necessarily want to die, but I have to. And I have to do it before an upcoming trauma will fully start, by a certain date. I'm tired of having to repeatedly face traumas and illnesses, be "strong", but no matter what I do they don't get better or resolve. So I have to leave.

 

[FuneralCry]

I do not want to go the process of ctb or dying. I just want to vanish from this world, just disappear and not exist. I simply do not like living. In a way I have to ctb as if I stay alive for decades longer I will just suffer. I have dread for my future. So in a way it is both.

 

[ncmxm]

Well...I have no one I can rely on. I am alone in the world. I have a shit family that makes my depression worse. I have no friends and no one to talk to. I am incompetent and I'm not good in doing anything.the boutes of depression which whom i suffer are so powerful that they lead me to hurt myself physically so that all the suffering I feel could stop.I'm out of society and i live like a prisoner in my room and house.I can't talk about intrusive thought but it's like a deep interior force that makes me feel like it's better that i kill myself because i'm worthless and noone cares about me and never will...never will love me,never will be my friend.I have no particular talent or skill and depression took away the pleasure of doing every thing.So i wanted a different life...would like to have a partner and friends and something like a loving family and goals to reach but my reality sucks....is like i don't really exist...i feel like i'm.a mistake and i should die.

You exist to me. If you need someone to talk to please feel free to message me

 

[Diesel_Punk]

Of course I would prefer to live a fulfilling life where I didn't suffer on most days where I could go to sleep without dreading tomorrow and where the notion of ctb would only cross my mind on the rarest of ocasions but I have lived my current life for long enough to know that this will not happen. So, for all intents and purposes my choice is between senseless suffering and no suffering at all. It is really a shame that I have to wait until my brain is irrational enough to act on a rational decision.

 

[BrokenLine]

Where I am, how I've got here and looking at my future I feel I have to,
I want to because I know it doesn't get better.

 

[S like Siren]

You exist to me. If you need someone to talk to please feel free to message me

Thank you very much for this...i appreciated it a lot:)

 

[WFJ74]

I have to. I don't want to. I fucked up my life so badly and there is no way to fix it other than CTB. Its the only way to make things right for the people I've wronged.

 

[Largeletters]

A mix of both, really

 

[Jumping_realms]

A mixture of both at the moment, but I do know my symptoms will lead me to CTB sooner than later, most likely.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

Myself, I get a lot of intrusive thoughts, telling me to do it.

That I have to do it, even though at the time I may not be feeling like doing it.

I have a dual diagnosis of EUPD/BPD and OCD, so this could explain some of it. However, I have received zero help from the mental health "service" and I have become addicted to overdosing. I just love it.

So how about you? Do you really want to die, or is it more a case of you thinking that you have to die?

i have to and i want to.

 

[StateOfMind]

I want to CTB

I like your avatar.

 

[Rustysoupcan]

I feel like I HAVE to. Like it's my destiny or some shit. I dont see my life ending any other way. I'm not always depressed, I often have months where I feel good, but in those good months i still think about suicide. I'm not sure life is worth the very few good moments it has. The main thing keeping my from ctb is my boyfriend. I attempted in February as I saw how that crushed him. I cant imagine what pain I would cause him if I succeeded.

 

[Celerity]

OP, what do you mean you are addicted to overdosing? Is this a figure of speech, or is it more about how the drugs make you feel?

As for me, I don't really want to CTB, but it's the best option I may have, so it feels like I have little choice in the matter.

 

[grail]

want to die straight up

 

[Bullit]

I dont want to,but life is so awful how may need to.

 

[Dear Agony]

Both. I'm in so much pain to the point I want to, and I need to because I know the pain is never stopping.

 

[logan]

I will have to do it because of my hopeless situation.

 

[loopylou]

Myself, I get a lot of intrusive thoughts, telling me to do it.

That I have to do it, even though at the time I may not be feeling like doing it.

I have a dual diagnosis of EUPD/BPD and OCD, so this could explain some of it. However, I have received zero help from the mental health "service" and I have become addicted to overdosing. I just love it.

So how about you? Do you really want to die, or is it more a case of you thinking that you have to die?

I feel like I HAVE to die. My BPD and anxiety are taking chunks out of me :(