Discussion Do you think you'll cry if/ when you come to CTB? If so, why?

[Anonymous_A]

Hard to say tbh.
Cried during the moments I've considered it and then not gone through with it.
With SN, made the drink, dipped my finger and disposed the fook out of it and felt an acceptance that killing myself is actually easier said than done.

Cried just recently after failing to drill a plated hook into my livingroom wall. Hoping to use as an anchor for partial hanging. Got pissed because I legit couldn't drill it properly lol. Probably overthinking because my mind can't process the fact that the reason I'd be doing the whole set up is to kill myself. So I just took a load of diazepam and zopiclone and skipped a day.

Anyways, when it finally comes to it I genuinely believe I'll be so fed up and accepting to the fact that I don't want to be here anymore. It will be somewhat more of a clarity type of feeling.

Seems like people who actually go though with it (ctb) they hit a moment where they are finally done, that moment is only real when the person is dead so yeah..

 

[ChefTesta]

I cried on one of my first attempts, but I think I got it out of my system. I'm pretty fuckin numb now, and maybe a little angry at the world that it pushed me to the point where doing this is my only option. When I CTB later this week, I'll probably be thinking about what a sick fuckin joke it is that this is what my life has come to. I'll be thinking about what a failure I am, and how I squandered so many good things and opportunities. Also will be imagining how it will affect those who knew me, and what their reactions will be. But no, no more crying. I am well past that point

 

[areyousafe??]

I will be sad, but I won't cry. I won't be feeling devastated, just sad how my life has gone, and sad that I'm not strong enough to cope with it.

I think I will be feeling relieved that life is finally over, but mostly I will be feeling anxious before I take the SN drink.

 

[outrider567]

Why not, just be the same as most every day

 

[CemeterySleeper]

I don't think so, nothing intense anyway. Been a long time since I was able to cry and I don't expect I would be capable of anything more than wet eyes, possibly mixed bittersweet "tears" (because, again, watery eyes). Especially if one of my preferred methods were the one being acted on I suspect if anything I would be more content than usual during the process.

 

[Jaded_Wolf]

I feel it could go either way for me. I don't think crying always has to be about feeling sadness or distress. Sometimes it could be a release of a wide variety of emotions.

In one possibility, I could foresee myself as being so emotionally numb or otherwise accepting of my decision to CTB that I don't cry. With another possibility, I may be so emotionally overwhelmed that I cry excessively throughout the process.

 

[Crematoryy]

I think I probably would cry on the run up to it. I'm not entirely sure why. Not really because I'd be saying goodbye to life. I think I'm ready to. Not that things could have been vastly different. There were certainly some tragic elements to it but, I gave it my best shot. I don't think I'll be denying myself some great future either. I can only really envisage my current struggles continuing and, getting worse. So, logically, my decision feels sound.

I suppose I find death itself sad. Departing from people you love. Not for me- again, I don't believe I'll feel anything at all afterwards. More, maybe anticipating how they might react. Which is kind of presumptious and based on how I've reacted to death and loss. They may not react that way at all. It's hard to know for sure.

What are your feeling though? If you think you'll become tearful, is that because you worry it might mean you're not sure about the decision? Is there some sadness in saying goodbye to life or, cutting off future opportunities for things to change for the better? Or, is it sadness in sympathy for how people might react?

Or, maybe you think you won't be sad at all! I guess it would be especially interesting to hear from people who have attempted. How did you feel? Was it very robotic or, very emotional? Did your emotions make you abort an attempt maybe? Does fear just block everything else out maybe?

The day you leave, we will feel your (virtual) absence. Your opinions in general always make me reflect. Suicide appears to be an act of pure rationality on certain occasions. But, I don't believe we have emotional control at that level.

 

[Life'sA6itch]

Because I so desperately clung to hope and if only that never came for me.

 

[puppycharge]

Probably not to be honest, although probably will feel some anxiety but it would just be a reminder of why I'm doing cbt in the first place.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Maybe. It wouldn't be out of place since my whole life has been one endless stream of tears.

 

[unscrewedmoon999]

It depends whether I'm CTB-ing in a state of sadness or rage. If I'm CTB-ing soon after an argument with my parents, I'll likely be so angry that I won't be crying and won't be feeling any survival instinct (I become very impulsive and self-destructive when I'm angry, with no SI).

If I'm CTB-ing in a more normal state of mind, I would absolutely be crying almost out of a sense of grief for all the things I want to do but will never get to, the life I'll never get to live, the people I'll never get to see again, etc. But I'm concerned that my SI would make me call an ambulance, so I've told myself to only CTB when I'm angry.

 

[InTheStars]

I cry every day already so I guess I'll cry that day too, but it would be finally the last time

 

[Roadrunner]

I cry pretty much every day thinking about how disappointed I am with my life, so the day the bus arrives will likely be the same.

 

[howunfortunateforme]

Yes bc it didn't have to be tbis way. Had I not been physically disabled by meds I wojdk have such a great happy life. One day one mistake ruined everything and that's sad. The what could of been is sad

 

[TastySorrow]

I cried all I needed to cry when my life finally turned to shit. I'm past that point, I've accepted it and now I just feel numb, living on autopilot until mt CTB day comes.

 

[ikigaimg]

10000%

 

[BRAINWORMS]

I cry multiple times a day as it is. If anything, maybe I would feel relieved. But I'm guessing I'll be sad because I'm doing it alone.

 

[ButterflyKilled]

Cry of hate. I recognize that the only and best method for me is SN, and I completely hate it. I would like to leave this miserable world with dignity without feeling anything, just fall asleep and never open my eyes again, more friendly to everyone.

 

[waistcoat]

I've OD'ed twice on prescription medication (only to survive... lol).
I did cry - though not from sadness, nor joy. It was more tears of just overwhelming emotion, and that emotion felt nice to experience - I think it was a positive emotion. I think it was me finally being able to let go from this existence. Waking up after those two attempts was soul crushing, to be perfectly honest - even though I knew they had a low chance of actually working.

When I finally take my SN and know that I wont be waking up, I know that I will cry again and experience that same emotion as I have twice before - I'm excited. That's why I'm counting down. I'm counting down the days until I can finally be free once and for all.

 

[nomoredolor]

I've cried every day since December 3. Right now I am grieving my best friend. And I am crying sad tears for my death and what it will it will do to my loved ones. I think the day I do it I'll beg god one last time to kill me so I don't have to. Then my brain will divide like it did in a previous attempt and the protective part of me will take over. And do what I have to do to be out of my misery. I'll look at pictures of my loved ones and I'll cry happy tears. I'll pretend that I'm with my love and I'll join him in death.

Anna

 

[JesiBel]

I always cry, so I'll probably cry at that moment too. I would have liked to have a different life, a future with hope, to be at peace and calm... I don't think it's just because of sadness but also because of anger. I always gave my best, I tried hard at everything... but there is no place for me in this world and no good things can happen to me. Nothing works, is it fate? I'm tired.

 

[kinoki]

Truthfully no. I don't have any friends and I'm not really loved or cared by anyone.

 

[roommate]

Good chance I cry, I never wanted to be in this situation, which I had a more fulfilling life, but some mistakes/situations have bought me here

 

[OptingOutSmiling]

The way I feel now, probably just a lost tear for a lost love, because it was unnecessary to end like this, yet it still came to this. Nothing too emotional, just an almost empty shell left.

 

[restlesseyes]

I cried during one of my attempts pretty sure being drunk played a huge factor I didn't cry about CTB but I cried writing letter to my mom and dad because I know how much I would be hurting them