Discussion Do you struggle with self harm? Why do you do it?

[d-tea]

I have my own issues with self harm, partly cutting, although it is quite harmless, with the only issue being scars as long as I don't accidentally get a wound infected(which is always a risk ig). I'm not sure why I tend to do this when stressed out. I know it helps me calm down but I feel like a lot of my memory/thoughts that could help me figure out why exactly I cope like this, hitting myself or cutting myself or not eating or overworking myself or whatever, is just blocked out. Would love your input on why you struggle with this, too, maybe I(or someone else trying to figure themselves out) can find something I/they can relate to.

 

[cupcakesandmilk]

As bad of a coping mechanism as it may be, it does help me feel valid; nowadays, it's pretty much devolved into a background task for me, like brushing your teeth, for instance.
I pretty much do it just because.

Though one thing I'd say is that my reasons for doing it have never been constant...

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I used to self harm as a way to both cope with my emotions and as a form of self-punishment. I've never had a good grasp on how to properly express and cope with my feelings, which partly led to me suppressing them. Whenever I got to a point where something set me off and I couldn't take it anymore I would cut, hit myself, dig my nails into my skin, or bite the back of my hand. It was the only way I knew how to release my emotions. I never really had anyone to who I felt safe venting all of my feelings to and most other coping mechanisms just weren't that effective.

My own self-hatred and belief that I was a burden only fueled my sh. I would cut as a way to punish myself, believing that it was what I deserved. I only recently have decided not to ever sh again, but every once in a while I fall back into my old thought patterns and find my old self-destructive urges emerging again.

 

[ConfusedClouds]

For me personally I think one of the bigger reasons is to 'feel' something.

I cut a bit while stressed at uni (10-15 years ago) but that caused more stress because then any questions about the wounds/scars (a few significant ones rather than lots everywhere) caused me more stress for freezing and not having words so spontaneously using excuses like biking and keeping cuts more hidden.

Its come back recently and is more in the way of small wounds or burns or scratching or picking scabs/spots or pressing on smaller/existing wounds to get the sensation. Also these smaller wounds/scars are more likely through day-to-day outdoor/active life so aren't so much questioned/could be explained more easily than cuts. Although I regret them so much now they've added up the past year or so to be obviously not 'incidental' any more but they just keep happening. Urgh.

For me, blood is annoying and creates mess and cleaning and attention so I try to avoid too much bleeding.

Like @EvisceratedJester I think there's a big issue with understanding and expressing emotions which I still don't get. Which I also feel worse for for reaching my 30s and still not having a clue or words, embarrassing, fraud as an adult.

 

[EmptyHeaded]

I don't struggle with self harm, I'm actually quite good at it.
I don't really have a reason why I do it. Fun, maybe.

 

[willitpass]

For me it's almost always as a form of punishment. The only time I self harm as a form of release is when I'm extremely anxious and need something to bring me back down. That's when I turn to things like cutting, hitting, hitting, head banging. But most of my self harm is internal and slow. Starvation, medication overdoses, over exercising, dehydrating, sleep deprivation. I've been taking overdoses of Tylenol, Aspirin, and ibuprofen every day for weeks now to self harm. I deserve the pain, and if it doesn't get me the desired results, I progress it further until it feels bad enough for my liking. I have absolutely no sense of self worth to the point that it's disturbing. The things I do to myself would be considered torture if someone did them to another human being, but to me I deserve it.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

I self-harm (historically mostly by purging) when I want to externalize my mental anguish. The pain gets transferred from the subjective realm--nebulous, transient, fantastical--to the physical realm--permanent, visible, real. Once the transfer is complete, I tend to feel calmer, as if a burden has just been lifted off my shoulders. It helps me cope in that way.

 

[homesoon.]

I have engaged in several forms of self-harm over the last 15 or whatever years. I've withheld food, puked food up, spit food out, cut, hit myself, dug my nails into my skin, head banging, scratched skin away, bit my lips, but cutting has seemed to be the one that stuck around. The longest I have "stayed clean" at a given time is probably about 2 years. Something always seems to bring me back to it as a way to self-punish and self-regulate emotions that have become too overwhelming, though I know it isn't a healthy coping mechanism. It helps me divert my focus to a physical, outward pain rather than just the internal, emotional/mental pain.

 

[Jorms_McGander]

When I was about 12 I started having extremes of emotion which I can now identify as the beginnings of BPD.

I have difficulty forming close friendships and the transition from the social style of pre-teen ages to the social style of teenagers hit me pretty hard; I ended up very isolated. Once I was so angry but I didn't want to break things and I had this decorative dagger from a shopping mall because those are cool. So I pressed it against my left ulna and dragged it down, just out of the urge to destroy something but all I could hurt was myself. Then of course I got the endorphin-relief, and later in life I would receive emotional validation from nurses as they put me back together.

The therapist who put my head on straight in my thirties was pissed at ER nurses lol. Like don't be so nice to me. I needed that validation in other areas of my life, not an ER. But how do you be anything but kind and nurturing when you are stitching up a child's self-inflicted wounds...

I do it now because it externalises my internal pain. I am happily covered in scars at age 37. If I did not have my scars, there would be nothing about me that even suggests a disability. It just feels right that I look different. Now, nearly every behaviour is self-injurious in some way lmfao.

It's my oldest maladaptive coping mechanism! Alcohol comes next <3

 

[bookgirl]

I've been hurting myself every day for years

 

[Saturn_]

I wouldn't really say I struggle with it. Self harm isn't really an addictive behavior for me like other things in my life can be... I just do it when I feel like it lol

 

[penguinl0v3s]

I don't struggle, but the past few days when I've been around blades I imagine taking them and drawing little lines on myself and watching the blood drip down. It's a unique experience.

 

[Ww42]

I used to have a reason, now I just do it because I like the pain. I used to enjoy cutting but now I just punch myself until I have deep purple bruises because that pain feels better to me now than the cutting pain

 

[Despondent_Fondant]

When I was younger it seemed as the "natural progression" toward suicide, i feel like I mostly did it because it just "made sense" to do an someone with suicidal ideation, and not because of some grandiose reason. But I literally just did sh and now I enjoy all parts of it, the blood, pain, everything. It's like I have a way to stop feeling to numb at my disposal at all times, who would not take that up?

 

[chobonzi]

I cut mostly but used to burn and I've recently taken up punching myself or digging my knuckles into a wall. I've been self harming for about 18 years. I'm not exactly sure on why, it just feels okay. The most generic answer i can give is, to let myself be in control of the pain. I prefer psychical pain over mental pain. But then i just hate myself even more due having people see the cuts especially with the warmer weather i wont wear long sleeves.

 

[LilysAngel]

I have never talked about this with literally anybody so please excuse me if this is not valid.

I do not struggle with directly harming myself. But I am covered in scars, burns, etc from enthusiastically consenting to let other people hurt me. Sometimes some rly serious stuff.

For me, I cannot focus on anything else while this is happening. My mind is CLEAR. It is not speeding through racing thoughts, or constantly replaying every mistake I've ever made. I don't have to worry about money or marriage or literally anything. All I am thinking about is the act itself.

Is this headspace similar to why some of you may self harm? I'm curious if I'm actually "into" kink. Or if it's a way I can hurt myself, without actually hurting myself. I've been curious about this for years.

 

[StalkedByDeath]

My arms are torn to shreds. I am 25 years old and have done it since 7th grade. It's not as frequent as it used to be, but I still do it, with the last time being October last year. It forces my attention from the inner turmoil I'm feeling in the moment, and often times forces me to dissociate. Like many people on here, even if they don't know it, I don't want to die. I just don't want to hurt, and dying often feels like the only long term solution. Cutting is a means of surviving, even if it's not "healthy", 100% effective, or a long term solution.

 

[Konnsz]

My arms are torn to shreds. I am 25 years old and have done it since 7th grade. It's not as frequent as it used to be, but I still do it, with the last time being October last year. It forces my attention from the inner turmoil I'm feeling in the moment, and often times forces me to dissociate. Like many people on here, even if they don't know it, I don't want to die. I just don't want to hurt, and dying often feels like the only long term solution. Cutting is a means of surviving, even if it's not "healthy", 100% effective, or a long term solution.

I can relate heavily

 

[crystal_meth97]

I've been self-harming since I was 12, so for nearly two decades. My legs are covered in scars. I'm working on this, on stopping, in therapy. I have BPD, which makes self-harming more difficult to control. It's like I accumulate so much distress that I have to let it out somehow. I'm trying alternatives now and trying to minimize the stress I have in my life. It's not easy. I also hit myself until I get bruises. I haven't cut in over a month, but I hit myself. I hate directing my anger toward myself, I know I don't deserve it.

 

[idiotenby]

I have my own issues with self harm, partly cutting, although it is quite harmless, with the only issue being scars as long as I don't accidentally get a wound infected(which is always a risk ig). I'm not sure why I tend to do this when stressed out. I know it helps me calm down but I feel like a lot of my memory/thoughts that could help me figure out why exactly I cope like this, hitting myself or cutting myself or not eating or overworking myself or whatever, is just blocked out. Would love your input on why you struggle with this, too, maybe I(or someone else trying to figure themselves out) can find something I/they can relate to.

Tbh it definitely is a punishment t thing but also helps be more ugly.. People bug around tm especially of you're better looking. People are disgusting and I wanna look disgusting too

I have never talked about this with literally anybody so please excuse me if this is not valid.

I do not struggle with directly harming myself. But I am covered in scars, burns, etc from enthusiastically consenting to let other people hurt me. Sometimes some rly serious stuff.

For me, I cannot focus on anything else while this is happening. My mind is CLEAR. It is not speeding through racing thoughts, or constantly replaying every mistake I've ever made. I don't have to worry about money or marriage or literally anything. All I am thinking about is the act itself.

Is this headspace similar to why some of you may self harm? I'm curious if I'm actually "into" kink. Or if it's a way I can hurt myself, without actually hurting myself. I've been curious about this for years.

Tbh tbh... I think its definitely a kink, maybe degradation with voyeurism and pain kink. Also if you don't have ideation it's definitely not in the suicidal way yk?