I've got loads of happy memories as a child in the 80s, typical 80s childhood playing outside, getting up to mischief, holidays with my grandparents etc. Some of it was tarnished with parental abuse which set me up for a lifetime of anxiety, depression and trauma and has affected how I respond to adulthood. Adulthood has been one massive mess, peppered with some good times but no long lasting happiness. It can't be fixed now, I think. I'm at the half century mark and chronic invisible illnesses prevent me from having a normal life. I feel I don't have much natural life left so just want to enjoy the rest of the time I have, with family and friends, and pass away naturally, hopefully without having to ctb. I pray things never get bad enough to actually go through with that.