Do you live a life that appears "normal" on the surface?

[Schopenhauer]

When i drive home from work i always think about driving over 100mph into a wall im just so far gone now all thats left is to make that ultimate step.

Countless times I've been besieged by this desire. Too much left to chance, though.

 

[bigj75]

Im physically ill...locked up for 5 years at home...going out only for doctor appointments, walking dog and supermarket. Mu "family" is abusive, ignoring my severe chronic health issues and trying to liock me up in mental ward anytime there is an opportunity. Those psych believe whatever my insane mother tell them, diagnosing me based on her blatant lies...or even giving me antiopsychotics that worsen the cardiac impact after tricyclic amitriptiluine OD..if i have any energy and streght/money, and at least support of 1 person i would sue ...unfortunatelly..there s no way to fight and win over a narcissist ,that lies and gaslight eveyrwhere she goes. I cant pretend no more..but the worse I feel and show it, the worse people treat me

That right there is what makes me lose all hope.

 

[Iwanttodie]

Since one year now, don't work and only time I go outside , to do the food shopping in my village, hiding from people In total loneliness. It's so awful to exsist .

 

[AceOfSpadesCTB]

I think the only person who suspected anything is my former boss. I'd been somewhat honest with him to try and keep my load at work more limited to quicker projects so I wouldn't be abandoning anything major if I left. Things escalated too much for me personally though and I decided to quit and just wait till my money ran out. My few friends in life know that I have depression, anxiety, and struggle to relate to anyone emotionally, but they still buy the mask I wear.

 

[Lost1804]

I have a mask that is on and off. When I wear it, it's hard work, I can't wait to be alone and rip it off...

 

[pandora]

I know the original thread is about a year old, but I found it interesting to read the responses.

For me, I think I do a good job of acting "normal" and that most of the people I interact with daily would be shocked to know that I"m often thinking of ways to die while we talk about everyday nonsense. My boyfriend knows the truth, and one close friend has some idea.....but I sometimes suspect they don't really understand how serious I am, because I can keep up the pretense around others.

 

[Lost1804]

I know the original thread is about a year old, but I found it interesting to read the responses.

For me, I think I do a good job of acting "normal" and that most of the people I interact with daily would be shocked to know that I"m often thinking of ways to die while we talk about everyday nonsense. My boyfriend knows the truth, and one close friend has some idea.....but I sometimes suspect they don't really understand how serious I am, because I can keep up the pretense around others.

Me too.... I have known for 18 months I want to go. I know it'll be another couple of years or so before I can leave. But plans are underway, I'm relieved by that.
People seem to think that once my daughter's inquest is over, I'll be fine.... ? Stay busy and try not to think about it rubbish. I know some worry about how I'm coping with my loss. But nobody knows I'm not coping, I just want to join her. That day will come. Sooner than they all think anyway.
Everyone thinks I'm doing things like, sorting out the rubbish we hoard, and planning for work on the house etc, as a positive thing, stay busy. They don't see it as it is, preparation. I couldn't give a monkey about the place, I just don't want to leave a mess for others to clear up. And some repairs will get a better price for the house. Plus, I have a couple of years to wait. But nobody has any idea what's in my head.....

 

[Katerina]

Do you wear a mask to hide how you feel, or do the people around you know?

People know I'm depressed 5 people know I've been suicidal but they all think I'm ok now little do they know I'm waiting for when it feels right
So by day I work as a nurse smiling away then the evenings come and when I'm on my own I cry myself asleep have panic attacks and generally a mess

 

[Lethe]

I mostly hang out with other weirdos and freaks online, so its easy to forget what 'normal' is. But when I do occasionally venture outside I'm struck by how some people just seem like caricatures of 'normality' with the associated vapid beliefs and vapid interests. Then I remember. So no, I don't consider myself normal, I've always been the outcast and people eventually pick up on that.

 

[Sweet emotion]

Well to anyone who doesn't know me I look like a completely ordinary person. But I have the highest ranking pain condition in medical history called Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. But you can't see that because you can't see nerves. So there has been a lot of questioning if I'm really sick or not even by people in my own family. I guess I have to be standing here with my arm hanging on by a few pieces of skin for them to believe me. I never put a phony face on in front of people though. Maybe sometimes for my grandfather because I know how much it hurts him to see me in pain. But it's gotten to the point now where I don't have the energy to do that anymore. He comes over every day for dinner. And I used to put myself in pain talking to him even though I'd feel so much worse after he left but I felt guilty. But I can't do it anymore. I tell him you're free to come over but if I'm in bed and I'm crying then you're just going to have to watch me.

Yes. My humor is crude and dark so I slip truths into it every once in a while. No one is the wiser.

Haha you do that too? Same here.