Do you have good days where you start doubting about catching the bus?

[TheLastBoyOnEarth]

I'm killing myself because of a chronic pain condition but there are some few days where the pain is not that bad and it makes me doubt if maybe i should just wait for my illness to kill me slowly instead of killing me myself. But I'm most likely doing it. It's just that the relief of a good day is amazing.

 

[Deleted member 10090]

i also have a chronic pain condition and i really would like to live. both my mental health and pain make it extremely hard but yeah i do have some good pain days where i think, yeah i can deal with this. i'm sorry your health condition took your life away from you.

 

[lkjhgfdsa1]

the optimism of one good day does not weigh against the pain and despair of all the other bad days.

shouldn't it be the other way around? Good days with the occasional bad day. I wish I could have that life

 

[Deleted member 10090]

the optimism of one good day does not weigh against the pain and despair of all the other bad days.

shouldn't it be the other way around? Good days with the occasional bad day. I wish I could have that life

i agree but it does make me question it in the moment. as well as think about my life that i lost.

 

[kyhoti]

I am soooo here right now. Chronic, progressive physical debilitation (x3 years) & mental illness (GAD, Depression & Addiction) most of the last 3 decades is pointing in one direction.

That being said, Monday I had fun. I spent most of the day exploring my new area, even though I bumbled around with my cane. I picked several handfulls of fresh local blackberries. I ate at Chick-fil-a. I found some neat stuff at Goodwill. I was barely able to make it back to my motel/home, but fuck if I wasn't smiling.

 

[vitbar]

My mood is like a yoyo. Before going on meds it was getting to be almost entirely low days, but even during that dark time I still had good patches. In the good patches suicide didn't enter my mind, and if it did it held no appeal. Since the meds it's the other way around with occasional bad patches where I feel something tugging me to the edge.

 

[lost_ange1]

Not really, I may don't suffer from chronic pain but chronic severe depression and suicide thoughts and maybe more. I can't even see the "good" stuff anymore or may be I see it but I don't feel anything. The only things I get is moments without my thoughts, where I am consciously and mindful in the here and now. But that's just a neutral, rare situation and right after it's over I hear my ctb thoughts calling.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

No. I never question my decision to kill these monstrous cells they call a human body for many reasons each reason that could be enough by itself.

The only reason i see why i shouldn't now is that i might fail and remain alive with brain damage. that's it otherwise i see no objective reason to live.

all this work , bs , chorse, humiliations, injustitce , threats, diseases 1000 more horrible things to put up with all this and more for no reason at all

There's no reason to do anything they tell us , to "fight to live" , to "enjoy" yourself , to have children etc. all i'm doing is getting older and every day being under threat of something really horrible happening to me all for no reason to "enjoy" a clickbait youtube video , social media or other addction.

And i hate the so called "pleasurable things the most .because those are the things that keep me here the things that are stopping me from suicide. but they are meaningless addictions imo that have me under threat of extreme torture and putting up with all these horrible things.

Of course for hours i go on autopilot like everyone else doing old stupid habits or doing crap i have to do like work or chores solve other problems . But when i start to actually think about life or my situation i never question that i have to kill myself. I mean i have many many reasons each one is alone enough to kill myself asap


but another that no one even knows or thinks of is that . i'm just monstrous cells . it's the same cell that evolved 4 biliion then 2 billion years into a more "complex" eukaryotytic cell.

 

[snowbird]

I wouldn't say I have good days. I have "good moments" sometimes.
Like when I play videogames or watch an interesting movie - I am still able to get lost in that fictional world for a few hours. Not always, but often enough. But soon my ugly thoughts always come through and I have to turn it off and all I can do is cry and feel pathetic and wish I could just spontaneously explode *sigh*