Help Do you have dating tips for dating when you have a mental illness?

[ohhgeeitsme]

I've ghosted people when my anxiety got so bad, I couldn't read or respond to messages. Then I'd go so long without replying that it made me too anxious to try and explain myself. Saying it was because of anxiety seems like such a cop-out and I feel like they won't believe me anyway. Like others have said, only disgusting cowards do it and I am a disgusting coward.

Just remember, it's rarely about you.

 

[LittleJem]

I think you should date people you are attracted to and who are attracted to you. I do not know why you thought they were not good for you. If you choose your partners on just some rational criteria, I am sure it is not going to work out. I mean, you do need to have some standards, but most important is mutual attraction, trust, respect,...
Can you imagine spending the rest of your life with someone not attractive to you? Just because he has the right job? A great recipe for an unhappy marriage.

You were married and had not experienced sex? How does that work?

I married my ex-husband because he told me we loved each other and were meant to be together. I was very confused as we didn't have fun together and there wasn't much conversation, but I thought I had some kind of attachment disorder, so I believed him. I try not to be confused about it anymore - I don't think we did get on and also we are both plagued by mental illness. We had maybe 3 good weeks in 8 years - when I had a working medication. That's how many happy weeks I had in 8 years!

How does marriage work without sex? It was miserable! I guess some people get married and don't want to have sex, but most people would want that as part of their marriage.

I feel really sad about all of it and shame and also just that I've just totally had enough of everything. But today mainly fatigued which by itself is enough to deal with. So tired.

Excuse me - any thread I will whinge on it at the moment. I have to do this thing for work re workplace bullying, then another thing for work, then move house and none of it is fun and I am so tired.

 

[wtv5433]

Imma be rude here, if he doesnt want to date means he doesnt find you cute, just be attractive and you'll see yourself how much guys will want to date you, honestly, everything is based on physique, i don't care what people say, its cold harsh turth people don't want to believe in. Thats the first step, nothing will work out if you dint check out that first box.

 

[Mentalmick]

A-sexual people, it fixes everything. By everything I mean nothing. And the next time someone gets ghosted, well, pay them a visit with Mr T.

 

[fixitinpost]

It's common to feel like you're never going to find someone you'll feel the same about ever again, but that pretty much only becomes true if you make it so. One of the worst things you can do to yourself is to put one of them on a pedestal, because now you'll be comparing others to an idealized version of that person. It isn't fair to yourself.

The only thing you can do about ghosting is to accept it, and to realize that it says little about you because it generally only happens when the other person doesn't know you well enough to be able to estimate how you would take rejection. There are a lot of people who simply can't take no for an answer and instead turn toxic or even worse. But if as in your case it's someone you've known for years who does it to you, it speaks volumes about that person and how a potential long-term relationship with them would have worked.

As for screening? It's so much better to, as you say, meet people in real life. It's easy enough for a dude to put up a facade through dating apps, but really hard to sustain if you are hanging out with other people through a shared hobby and whatnot.

I also strongly suggest you don't watch any more of those videos. All they will do is make you feel bad by giving you the impression that you have to fit into a certain cookie-cutter shape that isn't you. There is a difference between removing yourself a bit from the situation, so as to not get too emotional too fast, and trying to act like someone you're not. Achieving the former, while avoiding the latter, is meant to be for your own well-being. But it will also help you date. All you have to do is to try and be the best version of yourself that you can be at that moment in time. The rest is all about compatibility. But dating coaches can't monetize something so simple.

I hope you can extract at least something useful from this post.

 

[LittleJem]

Imma be rude here, if he doesnt want to date means he doesnt find you cute, just be attractive and you'll see yourself how much guys will want to date you, honestly, everything is based on physique, i don't care what people say, its cold harsh turth people don't want to believe in. Thats the first step, nothing will work out if you dint check out that first box.

Hey, thank you....I don't think this was about my looks, which I'm reasonably confident with - other than when I'm depressed I find it hard even to dress myself or put on socks. I feel more it's my personality - that I'm awkward and a bit autistic and don't feel confident chatting. Like I went on Tinder yesterday and I have no idea what to say to anyone. In the past, occasionally I'd be at a party in my 20s and I literally would barely be able to speak.

It's better when I'm not depressed and it's better when I'm on good weed, but I'm still just a weird person. I think he would have wanted someone fun and confident, and not moody and sometimes okay and sometimes reactive and low.

He was like a little glimpse of what it would be like to date someone who isn't so socially awkward and nerdy/geeky. I can see why he ghosted me - I just liked him too much and he wasn't into me. It just all changed over the course of one bad date though.

@fixitinpost everything you said is spot on and particularly your first paragraph. That is exactly what I'm doing at the moment.

I don't want to go back to what I thought I needed to do in my 20s, like serial date till finding a husband (I mean it's a bit Jane Austen, but that is what my friends were all doing) and it was all about which rule book to follow. But most of my relationships I didn't enjoy - and that is because of my mental illness and awkwardness.

But I still have both those things, so maybe it is just hard/impossible to enjoy fun relationships with the way my brain and personality is.

I am being harsh on myself probably, but I am fatigued and low and still missing this man, though I know it's over.

 

[woknows]

By your writting here, you do not seem like someone who does not know what to say.

 

[DocNo]

By your writting here, you do not seem like someone who does not know what to say.

sadly writing is often much easier than talking or even talking face to face.

 

[Mentalmick]

Hey, thank you....I don't think this was about my looks, which I'm reasonably confident with - other than when I'm depressed I find it hard even to dress myself or put on socks. I feel more it's my personality - that I'm awkward and a bit autistic and don't feel confident chatting. Like I went on Tinder yesterday and I have no idea what to say to anyone. In the past, occasionally I'd be at a party in my 20s and I literally would barely be able to speak.

It's better when I'm not depressed and it's better when I'm on good weed, but I'm still just a weird person. I think he would have wanted someone fun and confident, and not moody and sometimes okay and sometimes reactive and low.

He was like a little glimpse of what it would be like to date someone who isn't so socially awkward and nerdy/geeky. I can see why he ghosted me - I just liked him too much and he wasn't into me. It just all changed over the course of one bad date though.

@fixitinpost everything you said is spot on and particularly your first paragraph. That is exactly what I'm doing at the moment.

I don't want to go back to what I thought I needed to do in my 20s, like serial date till finding a husband (I mean it's a bit Jane Austen, but that is what my friends were all doing) and it was all about which rule book to follow. But most of my relationships I didn't enjoy - and that is because of my mental illness and awkwardness.

But I still have both those things, so maybe it is just hard/impossible to enjoy fun relationships with the way my brain and personality is.

I am being harsh on myself probably, but I am fatigued and low and still missing this man, though I know it's over.

You sound awesome by the way. As for being awkward, I'm so awkward I couldn't even talk in multiplayer games. Can't even make a phonecall without freaking out.

 

[LittleJem]

Thank you all :) Thanks for the support and the comments.

 

[wordsonscreen]

@sunbug thank you for all your inspiring words....He did keep telling me he wasn't good for me. My friends think he did me a favour, one of them even said a prayer of thanksgiving which she adapted for a lucky escape !! (I mean I'm not religious, but she wanted to emphasise just how bad she thought the situation was). I am still missing him though but I guess it will fade over time.

Oh dear it is 100% okay to love and want and miss people. TOTALLY fine. Feelings are always always okay- we gotta separate our actions from them :) You know yourself best and I believe in your ability to know what you want :) You deserve a love that inspires you and feels like a soft comfy pillow that is always there- the kind that inspires you to make soup and not such heartbreaking posts <3

 

[Nicothe13th]

Personally I've only ever gotten shags from online dating, they were great shags though.

But I think to find love, it's best found in person.

In my experiences, it just happens, then suddenly you're like fuckkkk, I like them and then you're fucked really

 

[FreeMe]

I am being harsh on myself probably,

After reading this thread, I wholly agree with your comment. You seem to have intellect (Jane Austen reference) and your writing style is personal, genuine, and captivating. I hope you can see that in yourself too one day :)

 

[LittleJem]

He was the only thing in my life I was actually enjoying. Everything else is; being bullied at work, moving for the sixth time in a year, constant suicidal thoughts and depression. I'm just pretty done and not sure why I'm keeping going, cos the more research I do on my mental illness, the more hopeless I know it is.

I was and am probably too ill to date anyone, but with him and weed life was fun for a bit. One of the evenings was so nice for me that in that moment, I decided all the suffering in my life was worth it. Which surprised me to think like that, cos I suffer all day every day with my broken mind.

I am grateful for all your kind comments nevertheless.

 

[Sherri]

When I started to date, I told him after a few days about my depression and anxiety as he kept asking on our first blind date if I was ok and the days after. I thought after I told him that he would run. It's been 3 months now. And I made him stop asking me if I'm ok. Good luck and hugs.

 

[Grav]

I'm not sure how ghosting became normalised but I think it's pretty disgusting.

And people wonder why so many find current human behavior something they don't want to be part of.

As for advice: I haven't dated since we had 14.4 modems so I can't comment on that. But I did meet my current wife through a mutual friend (coworker of mine) and I was able to lay some basis of myself since my last g/f I tried to be something for her I wasn't. I was open about my depression though as I was on meds our first date and not drinking. She noticed and I just laid it out, felt pretty stupid and oddball but it was what it was. If you're open to having a relationship it'll come along at some point. Don't feel you have to settle though, I tried that our of desperation and it wasn't fun.

 

[LittleJem]

I went on Tinder on the rebound - though not sure it's a good idea, then was ghosted twice on Tinder! Which was absolutely fine :) Didn't know them, wasn't that into them. The one that was meant to meet me for a drink last night outside, then maybe come to mine at least got me tidying up.

I don't think Tinder is a good idea fo me - I'm not well enough, but at least a hat-trick of being ghosted.

 

[Grav]

I went on Tinder on the rebound - though not sure it's a good idea, then was ghosted twice on Tinder! Which was absolutely fine :) Didn't know them, wasn't that into them. The one that was meant to meet me for a drink last night outside, then maybe come to mine at least got me tidying up.

I don't think Tinder is a good idea fo me - I'm not well enough, but at least a hat-trick of being ghosted.

New ad campaign: Get ghosted 3 times and get a free "ghost latte or shake of your choice in a decorative halloween ghost themed thermal cup". It would be an interesting social experiment if nothing else.

 

[UterEntonaur]

I don't think Tinder is a good idea fo me - I'm not well enough

As a male - I never had much success on Tinder. I'd panic about writing a witty one-liner or what I should comment on, which would make my anxiety go through the roof, so I'd just unmatch to avoid the awkwardness. I had a lot more success on bumble (because the woman has to message first), so it was easier for me to respond, when someone else had started the topic.

Anyway, just use whatever means you feel most comfortable with

 

[wordsonscreen]

As a male - I never had much success on Tinder. I'd panic about writing a witty one-liner or what I should comment on, which would make my anxiety go through the roof, so I'd just unmatch to avoid the awkwardness. I had a lot more success on bumble (because the woman has to message first), so it was easier for me to respond, when someone else had started the topic.

No one likes witty one liners tbh. I've had people tell me they dont know what to say but want to talk or that they feel afraid of me and I loved it. HONESTY over everything :) just be you in all your anxieties and courage :)

 

[Puffinz]

I've been on a couple dates in the past but I've pretty much given up on it now. Its pretty damn sad to see couples around and be completely sure and know in your heart that you'll never experience human closeness and intimacy like that in your entire life. But once you accept it and live like that long enough it becomes normal and you just masturbate a few times a week to keep your animal brain satisfied.

 

[cloudnone]

Just be yourself. I know it's hard to believe, but pretending to be someone you aren't will never help, one way or another.

 

[LittleJem]

Personally I've only ever gotten shags from online dating, they were great shags though.

But I think to find love, it's best found in person.

In my experiences, it just happens, then suddenly you're like fuckkkk, I like them and then you're fucked really

I've now been trying to find a rebound hook-up for a week or two (good idea or bad idea whatever) and so far it's really tricky! I don't think I have the wit to make it happen :) It's actually hard to get a hook up on Tinder!!!! Maybe I just need to give it a break, or keep trying for a bit and see what happens.

I thikn I am just too weird to date in a way, but I don't want to miss out on it.

 

[woknows]

I am sure it depends on your looks.

 

[Mentalmick]

I am sure it depends on your looks.

Well that's me well and truly fucked.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

Just be yourself. I know it's hard to believe, but pretending to be someone you aren't will never help, one way or another.

"Hey, I'm super needy and mentally ill. My mental problems have kept me from achieving anything of importance. What's your favorite band?"

 

[Imaginos]

"Hey, I'm super needy and mentally ill. My mental problems have kept me from achieving anything of importance. What's your favorite band?"

Couldn't have said it better. What good is "being yourself" if who you are is a fucking trainwreck and completely unlikable? Some people are simply fucked from one arm of this galaxy to the other and back. If you're deeply mentally ill, then there's essentially no conceivable way you'll ever have a relationship. Full stop. If you do, then the odds are it'll be a complete disaster and one that you'll probably deeply regret ever embarking on in the first place. Mentally ill people of a certain caliber simply need to be euthanized/executed as young as possible. There's honestly no other answer.

 

[LittleJem]

So update: this guy is basically a psychopath. I mean that might be putting it a bit strongly...but he contacted me a few days ago and apologised and said he had been in a terrible depression and not able to speak to anyone but his mum, sleeping 20 hours a day etc. He phoned me five times in the day and video called etc... He said, 'you know how much I like you...' and that he wouldn't have behaved like that if he wasn't so depressed. So I understood as I've been ill myself and invited him round (okay I am stupid, but I did like him) and we spent a night kissing etc. At least this time I liked him less then I had before, after the heartbreak of the other week. BTW he is quite selfish in the bedroom, to say the least. So I am not missing out on that.

I asked him to call me the next morning (which for me is quite a basic thing and I'm sure for most people). Next day, no phonecall. I send him a text in the morning asking him to call me or it will spoil my happy mood. He calls at 8 pm in the evening, saying he left his phone on a bus.

Then I saw him yesterday - but he was quite scary and aggressive and angry. He was shouting at his carer and quite mean to me. He said to me that he was not in love with me, and I was acting like I was in love with him and if I was in love with him, then he didn't want to see me again. It was an unnecessary, mean thing to say - and it was also his general mood of how he was treating me and everyone around him. Aggressive, petulant and mean. I asked his carer to fill me in, and it turns out that his diagnosis is not just Bipolar Disorder, but more - but the rest of it is confidential and wasn't shared with me. It was quite unpleasant and while I didn't feel very unsafe, partly because his carer was there, he was aggressive and mean.

Then he invited his friends round and ate dinner with them, saying he'd see me at 9 pm (I was doing some work in his spare room on my laptop). I was kind of waiting for his mood to change and him to be nice to me. It's like he's been a different person every time he sees me. He has told me he has a lot of personalities.

THEN!!!! His carer came in and said that he had left the house. He said he was always doing that. Then his carer tried to hit on me.

That is still really freaking me out. His carer said that this guy wasn't that into me, and also that this guy had said I was polyamorous (which I don't know if I am or not and I don't want people told my business anyway and also that does not mean I can just be passed around) and that his carer thought there was something between him (the carer) and me, and that this guy that I liked wasn't into me. I said I am not someone to be passed around.

So I left on my bicycle pretty damn quick.

Then this guy calls and asks why I had left and did I think he wasn't coming back. I asked him to talk, and said he could come around to talk to which his response was one about sex, not talking. So I said to him that I can get cheap sex easily on Tinder and why would I bother having it with him. This is my line I am happiest about!!! That I don't need him to love me, but I do need basic care and consideration. That if he likes me he needs to take me a proper date with no sex and be nice to me. And if all he wants is cheap sex he should let me know so I can decide if I want that or not, and that he should stop bullshitting me. I received no answer to any of that.

I know I am well out of all of this, just feeling a bit raw. It could have been worse, but it is still quite upsetting to be used and manipulated by someone I actually liked but I see now he is a pathological liar and also has so many issues with his illness, it is impossible to know him, and also it is not worth me seeing someone that is not into me.

Hope you don't mind me sharing this saga. My friends have all really disapproved of this connection for many weeks and are refusing to talk about it with me, because they disapprove so much - and I guess they were right!!!

Couldn't have said it better. What good is "being yourself" if who you are is a fucking trainwreck and completely unlikable? Some people are simply fucked from one arm of this galaxy to the other and back. If you're deeply mentally ill, then there's essentially no conceivable way you'll ever have a relationship. Full stop. If you do, then the odds are it'll be a complete disaster and one that you'll probably deeply regret ever embarking on in the first place. Mentally ill people of a certain caliber simply need to be euthanized/executed as young as possible. There's honestly no other answer.

This guy's carer works on a ward where people pull their hair out all day, cut their arms...what quality of life do those poor people have?

I was talking about euthanasia - because otherwise, we are just torturing humans with this horrific mental suffering.

I am 100 per cent in favour of human euthanasia, by choice and consent if possible, and if not, by professional assessment of quality of life and level of suffering.

 

[saltshaker]

Couldn't have said it better. What good is "being yourself" if who you are is a fucking trainwreck and completely unlikable? Some people are simply fucked from one arm of this galaxy to the other and back.

Lmfao

 

[autisticalex]

best to not try