Help Do you have dating tips for dating when you have a mental illness?

[LittleJem]

Soooo I just got ghosted by a guy I really like, I went on maybe 4 dates with him, but had known him for 4 years. He has Bipolar, on a monthly injection of anti-psychotics. I never felt intimacy with anyone in my life before I spent time with him. I didn't sleep with him - which is probably less painful, but I have never experienced sex+ intimacy in my life ever and now I'm not sure I ever will. I don't think I'll ever meet anyone else I feel that way about. I really feel I blew it and that I have missed out (though it would have been painful and messy I am sure and already was painful because he is erratic...).

I have accepted that I cannot have a life that looks normal, feels normal - but I would like to date again and have new experiences, sexual experiences, romance. But I am so vulnerable and the dating world is brutal.

Does anyone have ways you keep yourself safe when dating? How do you screen dates? How do you make sure you are treated well? Is there anything you can say to encourage people to be kind and human, rather than doing stuff like ghosting?

I have been out this game so long - I know I didn't know how to play a cool girl, and I let my moods show too much and I should have pretended to be normal or something. I'm watching videos to remind myself what you're meant to do when you date, and I don't know if I can handle it.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

It's too fucked at this point with online dating, no one is a virgin past 20, etc. My advice is to give up and double the masturbation frequency.

 

[LittleJem]

It's too fucked at this point with online dating, no one is a virgin past 20, etc. My advice is to give up and double the masturbation frequency.

It must be the Modafinil helping my mood, but I am now laughing out loud. Thank you!
But I really really wouldn't want to date a virgin - I am in my early 40s.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

But I really really wouldn't want to date a virgin

 

[LittleJem]

I kind of believe in sex surrogates for virgins if they want to have sex. I think sex surrogates are an amazing thing.

This guy I was just dating - he was so ill from the age of 13 and his first time was with a sex worker.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

I wanted to be his doormat.

Ps I have 4 messages on Tinder, just scared to reply. I know I am massively on the rebound, but also this guy would never have treated me nicely. I just felt such longing for him, connection with him and also that I wanted to be his doormat.

While he needs a very strong woman who can hold her own as he would be quite a lad without his illness, and even is with it.

Sucks though, I really liked him.

Maybe you need to work on the self-esteem a bit? Perhaps it's not a good match if one person feel inferior the other. Or go for someone "in your league".

I kind of believe in sex surrogates for virgins if they want to have sex. I think sex surrogates are an amazing thing.

I would feel degraded by such a thing, maybe others would enjoy it.

 

[LittleJem]

@GenesAndEnvironment thank you! You are right and funny too - thanks for cheering me up. This guy would have been entirely out of my league if we weren't both so ill and disabled, so I do feel that. I usually date geeks who don't really communicate and are not sophisticated (I'm not saying all geeks are like that, but everyone I have dated) I guess because I am somewhat naive and a bit autistic and that is who I end up with.

It was so great to date someone who was different and sophisticated and travelled and knew how to have fun in a different way.

He was literally talking about introducing me to his parents the week before he ghosted me. I wasn't insecure with him all the time - my confidence really depends on what drugs I am on! Weed helps me be more confident and some medications, but then if my brain is low which it generally is, then it screws it up. I'm really sad he didn't give it more of a chance and didn't give me a chance to fix things. It just changed overnight.

I did grovel by text though - both for closure and a chance to fix things, and no response. So I know it's over.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

@GenesAndEnvironment thank you! You are right and funny too - thanks for cheering me up. This guy would have been entirely out of my league if we weren't both so ill and disabled, so I do feel that. I usually date geeks who don't really communicate and are not sophisticated (I'm not saying all geeks are like that, but everyone I have dated) I guess because I am somewhat naive and a bit autistic and that is who I end up with.

It was so great to date someone who was different and sophisticated and travelled and knew how to have fun in a different way.

He was literally talking about introducing me to his parents the week before he ghosted me. I wasn't insecure with him all the time - my confidence really depends on what drugs I am on! Weed helps me be more confident and some medications, but then if my brain is low which it generally is, then it screws it up. I'm really sad he didn't give it more of a chance and didn't give me a chance to fix things. It just changed overnight.

I did grovel by text though - both for closure and a chance to fix things, and no response. So I know it's over.

Good that you groveled, it is very necessary to get 100% shutdown rejection. Would be better if you got him to write, or agree with, various statements of disinterest. Sounds like you're not that desperate, which is great, you're in a position to slowly but surely establish a secure relationship instead of jumping into something risky. Prioritize your well-being first and after a while something good might fall into your lap.

 

[Makko]

The topic may be serious but this thread is hilarious.

I don't have any advice other that you can never convince anyone to not ghost. If he's interested, he'll stay without convincing, if not, you can't persuade him to stay.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

The topic may be serious but this thread is hilarious.

Oh, yeah, "the thread"...

 

[sacrificial lamb]

Ghosting is a thing that can happen no matter how mentally healthy you are tbh. It's not your fault, but it's something anyone should be prepared for. Not all people belong together, some are just too anxious or cowardly to have a talk and would rather ghost a person instead.
It's always important to set your boundaries. I personally wouldn't go into complete oversharing mode on the first date, but whenever you feel like things are about to get serious and you actually want to continue seeing this person, I would tell them about the boundaries and needs you have. In my case, I would warn them about my sexual trauma - I need to develop A LOT of trust for a person to let engage in anything sexual. My BPD also gives me constant need for reassurance, so I'd tell them about that.
A person that is actually good for you won't freak out and will try their best to be understanding and accepting. It's better for them to know from the beginning that they need to be a little more gentle with you. Honesty is something generally appreciated in dating...
Communication is essential... we all have our quirks and needs, and it's important for both partners to learn that skill. As a person with little resources, it might be a little difficult to not blame yourself or your partner when you are facing a problem that you have to discuss. At some point, finding understanding in a relationship can seem easy, but it's always work and communication, so NEVER be afraid to talk and establish new boundaries. Because you have little experience with romantic relationships, it is very normal for you to figure your boundaries and preferences out along the way. Just stay safe and hold on to the ones you know about.
I hope this wasn't too vague.

 

[DocNo]

I have been out this game so long - I know I didn't know how to play a cool girl, and I let my moods show too much and I should have pretended to be normal or something. I'm watching videos to remind myself what you're meant to do when you date, and I don't know if I can handle it.

i think all this tips what to do on a date and what not are crap.

i am a guy in my late 40ies who didn't have dates or relationships or intimacy for 20 years.

but the last woman i was with for some time a few months ago i even told her while dating that i pick my nose and eat it (only when i am on my own) and we still fell in love cause i felt a connection and this would not be a problem and build maybe even more trust that i am so open about crazy things like this.
unluckily we lost it after the first excitement phase but i am still happy about the experience despite it also was painful cause i learned a lot about myself.

i would say trust your instincts and try to be you cause you want somebody who loves you the way you are.
i never understood this "present yourself from the best side" approach. for me this always felt like starting a relationship with a lie.

 

[LittleJem]

I actually had a dream last night in which he was sitting with my ex-husband on a rooftop and they were discussing why they didn't want to be with me! And I was trying to find out why it was.

I know, no reply so I know he isn't interested. Every time my phone makes a sound I hope it's him though! But it's generally just Reddit with more updates on depression!

I have about 4 messages on Tinder, just a little nervous to answer them and I know from friend's experience and past experience how brutal dating is. I'd rather meet someone in real life- I had known this dude for 3 years, but it seems he can't even be my friend. That's the worst of it, cos his place was a bit of a haven for me, and I would like more friends who also suffer with mental illness, as they understand more.

i think all this tips what to do on a date and what not are crap.

i am a guy in my late 40ies who didn't have dates or relationships or intimacy for 20 years.

but the last woman i was with for some time a few months ago i even told her while dating that i pick my nose and eat it (only when i am on my own) and we still fell in love cause i felt a connection and this would not be a problem and build maybe even more trust that i am so open about crazy things like this.
unluckily we lost it after the first excitement phase but i am still happy about the experience despite it also was painful cause i learned a lot about myself.

i would say trust your instincts and try to be you cause you want somebody who loves you the way you are.
i never understood this "present yourself from the best side" approach. for me this always felt like starting a relationship with a lie.

It's funny because usually people who pick their nose in front of me really gross me out. But then he did and I didn't mind. I kind of just got over my aversion to it and that I see those people as dirty, and I didn't care.

Hopefully, he isn't on this forum. I'm sure he thinks I am pathetic already for how much I grovelled in those text messages. But I didn't have anything to lose and I do have more closure having grovelled and tried to fix it, rather than doing nothing.
Ps I'm happy if people are finding this funny! I have really found some of it funny too :)
ps I think what this all gave me is that I definitely want to date again and I don't want to miss out on life. it's just how it can be fun and not so traumatic.

Thanks for tips!

 

[DocNo]

it's just how it can be fun and not so traumatic.

the more i write here with people and also learn about myself in this talks and also my experiences i made in the last months after my last suicidal phase 4 months ago i have the impression that many of us struggle with overthinking, high inner pressure and expectation to themselves.
i guess a lot of this leads to expectations we create in our minds cause we always try to extrapolate the future, over-analyse situations and override our intuition and feelings by overly rationalizing them. maybe this comes from feeling helpless and so we try to stay in control this way.

i seem to have learned now also intuitively that control is an illusion. everything works much more if you accept that you can't control a lot and especially when it's about interhuman (if that's a word) dynamics.
cause as long as you try to control and analyse you loose some of being relaxed and get uneasy when it goes a bit offtrack how you imagined it in your overthinking phase.
i guess it's important to just take it the way it is and then look and try to adapt. try to have no expectations then you might get more often positively surprised instead of hurt by expectations you build up which are mostly an illusion cause most things don't develop they expected way.

i know this is all easier said than done. i still don't know exactly what turned my inner switch to be more relaxed about stuff like that. but i hope i can maintain this state cause it makes life easier and even annoying stuff becomes much more comical than tragic. it's like to see the funny aspect in the tragic part.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I wish I had some advice, but I've never been on a date so I wouldn't know. This thread has been pretty amusing though.

I've only ever conversed with a match I made on Tinder once and I started getting overwhelmed by the feeling because while she was cute, I wasn't THAT attracted to her. I tried to maintain conversation but it often felt like I had to drag her into it which wasn't fun. I technically ghosted her because I realized we didn't have much in common and I wasn't attracted to her anyway but I don't think she was bothered by it because of how hard it was to get her to talk to me. I didn't go into any details of my mental illness either, mainly just talked about what foods we like and videos we watch.

It's too fucked at this point with online dating, no one is a virgin past 20, etc.

This is pretty true but I'm almost 27 and never even been on a date hahaha............

But I really really wouldn't want to date a virgin

 

[stygal]

Ghosting is a thing that can happen no matter how mentally healthy you are tbh. It's not your fault, but it's something anyone should be prepared for. Not all people belong together, some are just too anxious or cowardly to have a talk and would rather ghost a person instead.
It's always important to set your boundaries. I personally wouldn't go into complete oversharing mode on the first date, but whenever you feel like things are about to get serious and you actually want to continue seeing this person, I would tell them about the boundaries and needs you have. In my case, I would warn them about my sexual trauma - I need to develop A LOT of trust for a person to let engage in anything sexual. My BPD also gives me constant need for reassurance, so I'd tell them about that.
A person that is actually good for you won't freak out and will try their best to be understanding and accepting. It's better for them to know from the beginning that they need to be a little more gentle with you. Honesty is something generally appreciated in dating...
Communication is essential... we all have our quirks and needs, and it's important for both partners to learn that skill. As a person with little resources, it might be a little difficult to not blame yourself or your partner when you are facing a problem that you have to discuss. At some point, finding understanding in a relationship can seem easy, but it's always work and communication, so NEVER be afraid to talk and establish new boundaries. Because you have little experience with romantic relationships, it is very normal for you to figure your boundaries and preferences out along the way. Just stay safe and hold on to the ones you know about.
I hope this wasn't too vague.

I think that is very good advice and sums up my experiences with dating as well.

I always took my time really getting to know the other person. And since I met most of my partners via chat I had a somewhat of a more relaxed time than going on a real life date straight away. I could start getting to know them for their personality first. I also never focused on being in a relationship but more on finding a really good friend and let it go from there. I wasn't as open about all of my troubles but I wasn't lying either - more careful I suppose. Today I would be more blunt though since some difficulties arose later on from not telling everything. Still had a good experience with every single one I ever gotten together with.

As for the ghosting part - happend to me as well. People are strange creatures and sometimes they show it very clearly. I'd always try to get in contact with them one last time and if I still got no answer I'd (try to) forget about it and not blame myself in any way. Sadly there is nothing you can do to prevent it.

Hopefully you find the strength to move on and don't beat yourself up about it.

 

[Kbeau]

Soooo I just got ghosted by a guy I really like, I went on maybe 4 dates with him, but had known him for 4 years. He has Bipolar, on a monthly injection of anti-psychotics. I never felt intimacy with anyone in my life before I spent time with him. I didn't sleep with him - which is probably less painful, but I have never experienced sex+ intimacy in my life ever and now I'm not sure I ever will. I don't think I'll ever meet anyone else I feel that way about. I really feel I blew it and that I have missed out (though it would have been painful and messy I am sure and already was painful because he is erratic...).

I have accepted that I cannot have a life that looks normal, feels normal - but I would like to date again and have new experiences, sexual experiences, romance. But I am so vulnerable and the dating world is brutal.

Does anyone have ways you keep yourself safe when dating? How do you screen dates? How do you make sure you are treated well? Is there anything you can say to encourage people to be kind and human, rather than doing stuff like ghosting?

I have been out this game so long - I know I didn't know how to play a cool girl, and I let my moods show too much and I should have pretended to be normal or something. I'm watching videos to remind myself what you're meant to do when you date, and I don't know if I can handle it.

Awww, sad to hear that. Not good enough for you. Hang in there

 

[LittleJem]

I think it was always a bad idea. Today I feel so ill I should not be dating anyone. Just it's kind of a shame, because he could have understood more than most.

 

[DocNo]

I think it was always a bad idea. Today I feel so ill I should not be dating anyone. Just it's kind of a shame, because he could have understood more than most.

don't give up if it's important for you. i guess there are enough people out there who are understanding. but i guess it's often difficult to find the right start to break the ice.
i had for a very long time the feeling i never would be with a woman ever again. and i also didn't feel for nearly 20 years lovable in any way. i always liked to say about myself that i am the most boring guy in the world.

we are often the toughest judges on ourselves.

wish you luck.

edit: for me i guess i even find it important to be with a woman who also struggles cause i feel we then also can relate more to our struggles and that this shared experiences can have a bonding and healing effect for both. i think i couldn't be with a person who lives in a shiny, happy world.

 

[BluesRunTheGame]

I'm not sure how ghosting became normalised but I think it's pretty disgusting.

 

[lostmyself]

Ghosting unfortunately happens to quite a few people. Hell, there is even a TV show on MTV called "Ghosted". Just look at the guy as a coward and he doesn't deserve you. I know, easier said then done. Maybe take some time off of dating for awhile.

 

[Marktheghost]

What is ghosting?

 

[lostmyself]

What is ghosting?

When you stop responding to someone's messages, texts, calls without offering any explanation as to why.

 

[wordsonscreen]

Soooo I just got ghosted by a guy I really like, I went on maybe 4 dates with him, but had known him for 4 years. He has Bipolar, on a monthly injection of anti-psychotics. I never felt intimacy with anyone in my life before I spent time with him. I didn't sleep with him - which is probably less painful, but I have never experienced sex+ intimacy in my life ever and now I'm not sure I ever will. I don't think I'll ever meet anyone else I feel that way about. I really feel I blew it and that I have missed out (though it would have been painful and messy I am sure and already was painful because he is erratic...).

aw dear :/ I am sorry. All for good reason though. Better to know now than years later <3

I have accepted that I cannot have a life that looks normal, feels normal - but I would like to date again and have new experiences, sexual experiences, romance.

100% valid. You deserve romantic love however you want it :) I want this for you also!

But I am so vulnerable and the dating world is brutal.

I feel you. It is not always brutal but I know it can be. I hate being ghosted.

Does anyone have ways you keep yourself safe when dating?

There is so much I would love to share with you to hopefully spare you some hurt as you explore. I am tired now so I cant share as much as I would love to. BUT. start here :) https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHQ4lSaKRap5HyrpitrTOhQ
Join their fb group for support- AND BE CAREFUL. People on there can be too.... disconnected. and not really grounded in truth/reality. But it can be helpful when things are too clouded. Safety wheels.

How do you screen dates?

Make a list of your no nos, what you liked AND disliked in your previous connections, what others liked and disliked about you, what you want to improve, what you want in others. Keep the list for reference- it will guide you.
Meditate, feel their energy, test them.

I used to be a serial hardcore dater lol. Always had 10 backup people (they knew and it was not unethical). I loved the worship. I was addicted to it tbh. AND I am frequently disconnected from my own self due to trauma and I am hyperaware of everyone else. This made me come up with a really good system for tinder esp.

• I always read profiles to feel their energy. no bio- not worthy. I had other no nos too- dead animals, weapons, flags etc. you pick yours. Be as picky as you want. BE PICKY.
• Talk to them for a few days. I'd keep them on that platform for about a week.
• Please notice here how they respond to you- do they ask you how you are? do they care? are they rude when you dont worship them/give them all your affections? are they aware that they are one among many and must work for you, the way you do for them?? is it overly sexual too quickly? know your own blindspots
• then I would background check them + snapchat for face etc lol (went on too many dates where people looked totally different from their pictures)
• then meet them. I would drop it if they suggest "drinks". I dont do drinks. It is disrespectful to presume.
• First few days- be conscious of yourself- how you feel etc. Attune. You know always. we just ignore the cues. The signs are always there.

How do you make sure you are treated well? Is there anything you can say to encourage people to be kind and human, rather than doing stuff like ghosting?

You set your standards and STICK TO THEM. Keep your boundaries like you life depends on it. Men tend to push back a lot- they are often taught to "conquer" or "take" etc. It is not easy to find men who have unlearned toxicity. I've met like.. 2. out of maybe the 1000 men (my work is very social so I meet and get to know a ton of people every day) I've come across in adulthood. On the other hand, its funny for me because women and non binary folks feel intimidated or think I'm too traditionally pretty (in how I dress, and move, and look) to be actually gay lol. So I get a lot of.. suspicion from lesbians haha :p Anyway, no stereotypes. Just sharing my background so you can choose how much weight you give to my words.

Put this burden where it belongs. you need NOT do a single thing to be worthy or good treatment. You already are worthy- just act like it and believe it <3 If they ghost, thank them. They are doing you a favor.

I always fucked up believing my own vision than reality. I always see the best in everyone- in my abusers, in men who are toxic, in everyone. But believe them when they say they are unsure or not available or not a good partner. Take their word for it. And if they break their word- (I am generous so I give people chances after setting VERY clear boundaries) walk away. Trust their behavior, not what you think they can be.

Love yourself as you are- accept what you want and do not settle for anything for anything less because you need not do that. If you desire something, it is out there. You cannot have a desire which is not possible in this lifetime.

I have been out this game so long - I know I didn't know how to play a cool girl, and I let my moods show too much and I should have pretended to be normal or something. I'm watching videos to remind myself what you're meant to do when you date, and I don't know if I can handle it.

Nah. dont pretend. Be who you are. Anything else takes too much energy and down the line it wont work because they'll be like fuck who is this? this is not who I fell for lol. No need for videos. Follow your inner guidance- your body has all the intuition you need, dear <3 Sending you love <3 My wish is that whoever is aligned for you will find you :)


Here are a few folks I appreciate
https://www.youtube.com/c/theschooloflifetv
https://instagram.com/risingwoman?igshid=y1m5o826e2rs
https://instagram.com/gottmaninstitute?igshid=1f6qpoy6vded8
https://instagram.com/lizlistens?igshid=ut3demfpztnq
https://instagram.com/the_secure_relationship?igshid=1l05su6iffmi9
https://instagram.com/psychotherapy.central?igshid=1uha93q8s3psk
https://instagram.com/loisdolores?igshid=1a38u77ud6hoz
https://instagram.com/yung_pueblo?igshid=ekhcmaknhrf

 

[raindrops]

are you talking online dating??
dating apps had given me more anxiety.
like i think to myself... will they delete the app once they find interest in me and i have given them my number?
then when we date, i'd still be thinking, did they delete the app?
it's a no go area for me. but if you use them, treat it as fun. always be yourself, i know that sounds cheesy but do.
also, you get as close as you want and you allow someone to get close to you, so only allow someone into your personal life if you feel comfortable to do so.
i imagine online dating is a journey, many calls/video calls with that one person to figure them out entirely.
the only thing i think encourages someone to be kind, is to be kind yourself. don't go offering to send money or crap like that though.
the great thing about online dating is if someone is creepy, say even after a month, you can cut it off. plenty more fish in the sea. you can block numbers, you can also try again. never sell yourself short, if someone is asking for nudes or shit, don't, that way is much easier to cut off if you think you need to, in my opinion anyway.
as for mental illness, i struggle with many insecurities. i just admit im shy, im introverted, i've made jokes with the other person about how we're here doing this online dating stuff.
i suppose you're right, it is brutal, but you're in control, i think gut feeling is a true thing, if you feel its not right, you're more than likely right!

 

[Computer Blue]

… it is very necessary to get 100% shutdown rejection.

Wow … so very, very true.

 

[LittleJem]

@sunbug thank you for all your inspiring words....He did keep telling me he wasn't good for me. My friends think he did me a favour, one of them even said a prayer of thanksgiving which she adapted for a lucky escape !! (I mean I'm not religious, but she wanted to emphasise just how bad she thought the situation was). I am still missing him though but I guess it will fade over time.

@raindrops thank you also. I would rather meet someone in real life- but this guy I had met in real life! It's amazing how one of the videos I watched about dating - the first tip the guy gave was that the woman should never invest in her date's business. And on a Facebook group I am on, one woman said always check the DV register. It made me realise how many scammers and even scary people are out there.

I've got so much on with work and moving house atm that I know I just need to focus on that if I can.

 

[woknows]

Are you sure you really are into him or are you just afraid to go out and get someone you really deserve?

I think there is nothing you can do to avoid ghosting if you are going to date. Simple as that. People are mostly dishonest and prefer to avoid possible melodrama by telling that they are not interested in your face. You are lucky to be a female, women are way more brutal in this department.

I think it is worth the effort, but I doubt there is a magic way to make it easy.

As someone else has mentioned. An interested person will stick around and ghosting mean that he is not worth your time.

 

[LittleJem]

Are you sure you really are into him or are you just afraid to go out and get someone you really deserve?

I think there is nothing you can do to avoid ghosting if you are going to date. Simple as that. People are mostly dishonest and prefer to avoid possible melodrama by telling that they are not interested in your face. You are lucky to be a female, women are way more brutal in this department.

I think it is worth the effort, but I doubt there is a magic way to make it easy.

As someone else has mentioned. An interested person will stick around and ghosting mean that he is not worth your time.

You are right. It's just I never usually feel attraction for anyone. He is the only person I felt attraction for in maybe 3 or 4 years and I did know him for that long so that's why this is a bit disappointing, he wasn't a random stranger. We also had a fair amount in common.

When I used to date (before my unhappy marriage) I had to stop myself dating people I was attracted to, as they were invariably not good for me. I told myself 'if you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got...'

But then isn't attraction why dating is fun. Not sure of the answer to that one! Like should I keep avoiding people I am attracted to and date people I am not attracted to, based on criteria?

 

[woknows]

You are right. It's just I never usually feel attraction for anyone. He is the only person I felt attraction for in maybe 3 or 4 years and I did know him for that long so that's why this is a bit disappointing, he wasn't a random stranger. We also had a fair amount in common.

When I used to date (before my unhappy marriage) I had to stop myself dating people I was attracted to, as they were invariably not good for me. I told myself 'if you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got...'

But then isn't attraction why dating is fun. Not sure of the answer to that one! Like should I keep avoiding people I am attracted to and date people I am not attracted to, based on criteria?

I think you should date people you are attracted to and who are attracted to you. I do not know why you thought they were not good for you. If you choose your partners on just some rational criteria, I am sure it is not going to work out. I mean, you do need to have some standards, but most important is mutual attraction, trust, respect,...
Can you imagine spending the rest of your life with someone not attractive to you? Just because he has the right job? A great recipe for an unhappy marriage.

You were married and had not experienced sex? How does that work?