K
Kali_Yuga13
Experienced
- Jul 11, 2024
- 276
Almost everything about this post speaks to my experience. I wish I could send this message back in time to my teenage self. The worst part is that I knew something was wrong but couldn't articulate what or why and the Internet barely existed so my only recourse was establishment therapy which did more harm than good.
A lot of good points. I can see both sides of the debate, since I was very similar to a lot of younger folk here at that age, but in certain areas I have changed my viewpoint completely.
Questions around culture and society open up a bottomless pit. There are many different regions of the world with their own norms, multiplied by innumerable historical eras. Even within an average big city today, you'll find hundreds of unique subcultures as people congregate around common interests.
Nonconformity towards generic social expectations is healthy and appropriate for anybody with any amount of free thought. However, there are some complexities. I'm going to try and present both sides of the story.
'Rebelling'
When people pressure us to fit in, often they are spreading their own misery. The best example of this is highly conservative cultures. It reaches a stage where men (for example) are only allowed to express one emotion, anger, and ANY sort of quirkiness, nerdiness, original thought or inner-child antics will be universally condemned until they fall into line.
Based on what I've seen in my own city, I believe there's a correlation between these toxic masculine cultures and abnormally high male suicide rates; I once read a statistic that in my area the ratio is something like 7:1, compared to the usual 3:1 male-to-female suicide rate. But of course, the broader issue of unpleasant cultural demands can affect any person of any demographic; I merely use this as a statistically glaring example of the phenomenon.
Many, many people find themselves different in some way. For example, the LGBT community's message is heavily based upon this situation as it applies so starkly to their demographic. Even beyond this, the chances are that almost every single person will suffer to some degree for being denied permission to be true to themselves in some way. It's a pretty ludicrous society that pushes us all towards universal misery.
The obvious logical solution is to find people and communities you relate to (perhaps via meetup.com or similar) and get in the habit of disregarding the inevitable derogatory comments made by outsiders. Workplaces are not all the same, but some can be pretty irritating in this respect. And yet, with the exception of people who have genuinely amazing jobs, the whole concept of working only makes sense if there's a larger context for life to focus on. Be it a tribe, community or some purpose.
'Conformity'
There's another side to the story. There may be some sensible logic behind generic advice (e.g. "get a house", which I'll cover in a moment) that gets routinely disseminated. This is because we have to reap whatever we sow.
My own story shows how messy this can all be. I felt contemptuous towards the notion of conformity to society and invested a lot of my 20s indulging in my nerdy and artistic hobbies. However, there was a pitiful story behind this; I'd missed out on finishing high school or having any university or employment prospects due to cracking under the pressure of family abuse and school bullying as a teen. And here's the kicker: I now completely regret my 20s.
I later realised that the reason why I loved to get deeply drawn into my passions was as an escape from the supposedly insurmountable issues I was facing. I had untreated mental illness that turned out to be quite severe (C-PTSD), no job prospects and only a couple of friends who were in a similar dysfunctional pattern of using the guise of rebellious nonconformity to evade the elephant in the room.
As a particularly pathetic example, I was always writing poetry and music about loneliness which helped me to feel better, but I had no clue how to actually connect with people. Plus, I was always talking about suicide with the reasoning that I could just leave any time I wanted. But starting in my late 30s, looking back on a life and feeling like I never experienced human love became so distressing that it has ended up a major factor in what is now middle-aged suicidal ideation. If only I had known what I know now.
So the simple answer is be true to yourself, but this is not necessarily as straightforward as it may seem. We are talking about really deep authenticity here, NOT merely doing the opposite of what 'society' says or throwing out the rule book as an act of rebellion. The nature of life is that it tends to unfold in layers and the process goes on indefinitely, so there is no question of having it all figured out at any point.
The other issue with conformity comes when advice pertaining to, say, financial efficacy or physical health has legitimate merit. Starting in my early 30s, I quickly realised that nobody was going to help me and I decided to work any awful job I could and then dedicate over a decade to buying and paying off a house by myself. I had to live VERY rough.
As of last year, I have the house and the freedom that comes with it, but after all the burnout, my health is now such that I don't think I'll ever be able to work full-time again. In a way, I've traded one problem for another. Thus, I look back and regret wasting critical time, though it's not like I had any sort of mentoring when I was young anyway. And this whole weird situation may not apply to anyone else.
Funnily enough, there is an upside to my current situation since I have very little baggage aside from health concerns; I've been able to invest heavily into fitness and may yet find my tribe. I shamelessly do stupid shit like proudly displaying my Pusheen plushie. If I find someone special, I can offer a very relaxed lifestyle here without all the dramas of rent, debt or dealing with families.
So how to summarise all of this?
1) It is very important to discard social expectations that are simply irrelevant to your life path. It is also important to find people who embrace your quirks.
2) Be true to yourself, and know that this generally means peeling away onion layers over a period of decades.
3) Questions of lifestyle, finances, health, fitness, social life, hobbies, where to live, culture, etc. need to be looked at carefully while being aware of the total picture of short and long-term consequences, both good and bad, of our decisions. The only thing outsiders can offer is assistance with understanding what is gained and what is lost with each choice made.
I sincerely thought that whether I'd end up killing myself or not I had left NEETdom for good.
