Discussion Do you feel guilty ?

[Sbetto]

I have set the date for my CTB, and I am now more than determined to leave because my life is ruined and irreparable. As it approaches, my thoughts become increasingly conflicting. On one hand, the idea of feeling nothing anymore: no anxiety, no worries about the future, no emotions, no feelings. Just peace. On the other hand, an overwhelming sense of guilt for those who will suffer because of my actions.
For days, I have been avoiding looking my mother in the eyes, trying to forget her gaze. I fear that my mind might turn it into a desperate cry that could happen after my death, because she loves me and would feel immense guilt for not understanding and helping me.
But then I think that the dead no longer feel anything, not even guilt.

And you? Have you ever felt this way? What do you think?

 

[futurecorpse]

I understand where you're coming from. I only feel guilty when I think about leaving my dad behind. He's the only reason I'm still here. At the same time, I don't want to be around when he passes away because I know for a fact it'll be too painful. He's in the hospital now and in a weird way, it kinda feels like he's already gone because my sister is starting the process of acting as his POA. When my dad was at home and told me he loved me, it really hurt my heart because even though I love him so much, I'm incredibly suicidal

 

[roommate]

If I choose to CTB it will be a bomb for everyone involved around my hobby's, sports, friends (also some really close ones) and a part of my family I care for.
Saw my mother playing piano today in peace, I cannot imagine how broken she will be.
I even get nightmares about making the decision and hurting people.

IDK, hopefully with my note I can reduce it a bit, but yea I am really worried about it.
Hopefully I manage to get a way around the CTB and not doing it, but it's eating me every single moment of the day for years already :/

 

[WanderingTiger]

Within this context, I would feel guilty for simply going through with it without planning. I don't want to make anyone close to me suffer because of it; I intend to only proceed when I have nothing left unresolved. So, I understand this feeling and wish for you to find your peace, regardless of your choice.

 

[GoSan1]

It depends on what to feel guilty for.

If for my past and still somewhat current toxicity especially in video games? Yes, terribly guilty. And I keep repeating it as this unhealthy coping mechanism of playing games to make the rotting in my room less boring...

For wanting to ctb? No.

I have been stripped from everything, and the single wishes I had were never answered nor was a sign given that they might await me. Just silence, and just like that, will I too silently perish.

 

[Namelesa]

In terms of feeling guilty for me killing myself, no. I feel no remorse to my family as they did this to themselves when they created me and they deserve to suffer from my death as they have trapped me and stopped my suicide attempts. I only feel guilty for leaving my dog now but he will be okay with the care my family gives him. I do feel really guilty tho for bad actions I have done onto people that aren't my family.

 

[brokeandbroken]

I have set the date for my CTB, and I am now more than determined to leave because my life is ruined and irreparable. As it approaches, my thoughts become increasingly conflicting. On one hand, the idea of feeling nothing anymore: no anxiety, no worries about the future, no emotions, no feelings. Just peace. On the other hand, an overwhelming sense of guilt for those who will suffer because of my actions.
For days, I have been avoiding looking my mother in the eyes, trying to forget her gaze. I fear that my mind might turn it into a desperate cry that could happen after my death, because she loves me and would feel immense guilt for not understanding and helping me.
But then I think that the dead no longer feel anything, not even guilt.

And you? Have you ever felt this way? What do you think?

No I've done everything possible to help myself and to get help. I've been rejected discarded and forced into isolation by the world at every turn. Then blamed for feeling rejected discarded and isolated. Blamed for having my life destroyed and then having no opportunities to fix it then Blamed for it not be able to get it. Blamed for an absolutely ruined life that no one cares about.

The people who should feel guilty is every single person I begged for help from that could fix it. There's an unbelievable amount who could. That simply went nope fuck you. Despite fighting like a son of bitch not to was forced into it anyways. They should be wracked with guilt but they won't be. I'm so sick of this soul sucking lonely meaningless existence that given the opportunity I could fix quickly. Yet people help objectively horrible people at every turn.

In the oncology clinic before medical school when I was a scribe there was a guy with stomach cancer who was extremely late stage and was so cachetic that you could see his heart beat through his chest. The doctor after the visit went I don't know what he is hanging on for. I feel like that patient. I feel like if I had outsiders perspective I'd be wondering that. How in the fuck is that guy alive and how the fuck is he not just lost in a heroin stupor (or on any illcit drugs) That patient couldn't be saved there wasn't a cure for his problems. There is for mine yet society has decided to play a giant game of monkey in the middle with mine playing keep away. Despite it existing whether it is legal help for justice, whether it is a job, whether it is whatever the fuck it exists and im not getting it. People would see me die then giving it to me. Literally. The drug to my problem exists my life could be saved. Yet people don't want me to live. That's quite literally the only way you can look at it. If my life has any value to anybody I'd have a lawyer, I'd have a job, I'd have the opportunity to chase meaning in my life. Instead I'm forced to spend my day in a homeless shelter waiting for my to buzz because maybe today is the day someone decides my life is worth saving. My chessboard is cleared of moves i can make. There's literally nothing I can do. I've done them all. I can only wait for help that won't ever come. I don't want to wait for help to ever come for the rest of my life for 50 years. This is excruciating and miserable. I'd rather skip the wait and go to paradise now. I've waited long enough. God will have to beg my forgiveness when I get there.

 

[FuneralCry]

No, I wouldn't as after all I never would have chosen and never would have wished for this existence, I personally just don't want to suffer in this existence and I find it the most terrible tragedy how the burden of existence was even imposed. I'd be so relieved to never suffer ever again and I'd always prefer to not exist than suffer all for the sake of it just to be tortured by old age in this existence I always saw as so undesirable, for me non-existence is the only peace, I just wish to be unconscious for all eternity where finally this futile, torturous existence is no longer my concern.