Do you ever look around you and wonder if other people know you're going to ctb

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Perhaps its extremely morbid, and I'm completely insane for having these strange reflections (if that's the case, feel free to ignore my rambling) but I often contemplate what the reactions of other people will be when they find out I've boarded the bus.

I find myself glancing at countenance of those around me, wondering what thoughts they will have when I am gone. Will they be relieved? Enthused? Dejected? Apathetic? Heartbroken?

A lot of my friends don't know how suicidal I am, so I imagine they'll be quite shocked. However, I don't want to burden them with even more pain, so I only disclose my true feelings to my closest allies like my boyfriend, my best friend, and a couple others. I hope they do not blame themselves when I have left this world.

Sometimes it is the smallest of things that gets to me. I look at my boyfriend's family members, for example, and wonder how long it will take them to get accustomed to ritual of bringing out one less plate to the dinner table each night.

I am sure they will hate me, for suicide is a great source of shame in this culture, regardless of how many media campaigns adorned with influencers and royals try to say otherwise.

I think most people have no idea that I have SN under my bed and am prepared to go at any time, desperate for any sort of reprieve from this punished existence. I do not think any of my classmates would expect it, as I hide my disabilities quite well from the average onlooker.

 

[FuneralCry]

I have similar thoughts, I often think about how others would react if I was to ctb. They have no idea that I think about it as I do not share my thoughts as it isn't like there is anything they can do about it and I prefer to generally keep things to myself.
I do not know many people but I know some others would be sad. I do hope they understand that ctb is the only way I could have ended my suffering. I try to tell myself it isn't my concern as I will be no longer existing at that point. I also tell myself I didn't ask to be born so I have no obligation to stay alive.

 

[Largeletters]

Sometimes. I think it will mostly be a surprise to people, at least at first, but it shouldn't be considering the people I'm close with know I have very strong suicidal tendencies. Just take a look at how my entire life ha gone, suicide related or not, and I think they'll understand... at least, I hope so.

 

[Bedrock48]

I often wonder this myself, whether they picked up on small cues I might have given off in times of distress. They already know that I've been suicidal in the past but I feel I've presented in a better mindset lately. Say if I were to ctb next week I think it'd be a shock.

I already have some idea of how they'll react and it's something I try to push far to the back of my mind. The image of worry on my friends face after finding me on a bridge after going missing will likely never fade. Hopefully if I complete suicide my notes and what I've said will help them understand why I had to free myself from the suffering in my life.

 

[Apaturesuicience]

I tend to wonder what people would think if they knew about my struggles. Usually I am very good at hiding any problems I'm having, so most people don't suspect anything. Sometimes if I feel really bad, I will give hints that I'm not doing well. Nobody ever acknowledges them, so either they don't notice or don't care.

While I don't know how people will respond to hearing the news, I wish I could tell them that they shouldn't be sad for me. If anything, they should be happy for me because its what I truly want. However, even if I write that in a note, only the people close to me who see the note will know that. Nobody will pass it on.

 

[Seiba]

@KuriGohan&Kamehameha I don't think anyone is going to think you're insane for posting this, nor is it truly that morbid. It's hardly unreasonable to wonder -- these were people you were around until the day of leaving so wondering how things will turn out is fully normal. I'm not sure many would realistically hate anyone for killing themselves, though anger does seem to fare into suicidal grief a decent amount sometimes. Most likely they will go through the typical stage of grief but further intensified for some time due to the cultural aspects of leaving. I'm afraid others blaming themselves to a degree seems to always be a thing with suicide to a degree. People seem to be somewhat tainted by the idea of saving others, and otherwise believe unrealistically about things they could have "said" to get the person to say without much rationality about what the person wanted. Maybe with the fact you suffered long term problems that have largely lowered your quality of life they will finally see that in the end and it will make it easier. Sorry you were left wondering about things like this, I understand it can be very hard. Considering how you were made to feel like a burden by a decent portion of people simply on the basis of *your* illnesses I would say it is very kind of you to even consider things like this.

As for myself, there's not many people in my life to really react at all. I am looking at my mother, my sister, my grandfather, and an online friend I talk to. I had written a longer post about each of them and my reasoning in regards to justifying my reasoning concerning not considering their feelings over my own but I decided to delete it before replying since it's not of much use to anyone regardless and more self indulgent in that respect.

 

[enjoy]

i dont think my family or friends know but the person who hurt me knows. ive been trying to give them all my possessions and money. but i dont think they care anymore, they used to

 

[demuic]

I don't know many people very well or keep in contact with them. I might as well be dead already to them or to the world. I do feel like a ghost already. I suspect most people who knew me in the past will be indifferent if they somehow find out at all. The only one who will really be affected is my mom, possibly my dad.

 

[Largeletters]

I tend to wonder what people would think if they knew about my struggles. Usually I am very good at hiding any problems I'm having, so most people don't suspect anything. Sometimes if I feel really bad, I will give hints that I'm not doing well. Nobody ever acknowledges them, so either they don't notice or don't care.

While I don't know how people will respond to hearing the news, I wish I could tell them that they shouldn't be sad for me. If anything, they should be happy for me because its what I truly want. However, even if I write that in a note, only the people close to me who see the note will know that. Nobody will pass it on.

That reminds me of a quote I posted in a thread, "This is what I want so don't be sad." — Nina LaCour. I've never felt people should be sad for me. All the best, Apaturesuicience.

 

[Fehler]

I do not think it is something morbid, at least I have also been imagining the reaction of each person, be it someone close or of sporadic contact.
I like to do it when I go to bed and think: "What am I going to think / imagine before I go to sleep?" In the family the most affected would be my mother, my sister would hate me for the damage I would cause my mother and my brother-in-law would be worried about both.
In my friends it would vary a lot, I doubt that anyone expected it. Some would be with the typical "coward", another I suppose that he would be more touched because he is one of the few that I see that he tells me personal things and the rest not; although his first reaction would surely be anger. The last one, I suspect that he has had suicidal thoughts at some point in his life and perhaps he would understand it more than the rest.

The few friends or contacts that I made in the forum, several left...but those who follow would already know it because I'm always setting dates and would notify them in advance.

And further out of my circle, I always hoped that the same local police who stopped me on the street would be the ones who would find the body (I would send them a scheduled email) although, I would not know exactly how they would stay, they were quite nice (how strange ) and I imagine they got a good impression as I was just feeding the birds bread and seeds lol. I also think about how the "event" would be publicized.
1º the police, neighbors, my mother, family… if my brother-in-law, who is the only one with a little contact with my friends, didn't say anything, it would take months for them to find out. Yes, I get quite bored x)