Help Do you ever feel like you don't have good/enough reasons to commit suicide?

[disappearingquietly]

I feel like such a twat writing this. I feel like I don't have good enough reasons, or ENOUGH reasons, for that matter. The fact that sometimes, I actually feel like living, makes me think that my reasons are absolute horseshit. Also, some are pretty embarrassing. I don't know. I just wish that I knew what I actually wanted. Sadly, that shit never comes easily to me. It would be rational to assume that this time will be the same. Sorry for wasting your time.

 

[NoHalfMeasures]

I have a feeling you're not alone in feeling this way. I definitely struggle with the feeling of not knowing what I want a lot. Am I good enough to live? Good enough to die?
Only you can decide if your reasons are good enough to warrant catching the bus. Because it is your decision alone.
I don't want to turn this into a TED talk by accident, so I'll answer your question. I don't feel like my reasons for considering suicide are very good, but then again, I have low self esteem. At the same time, the fact I personally feel like my reasons aren't good enough is what's keeping me going in life. For me, life has its ups and downs, and when one day I feel like my reasons for dying are good enough for me, I will CTB. Part of me hopes it's soon but another part of me still wants to give a shot at this game of life until something gives.
Unrelated, but I really like your profile pic.
Unrelated, but I really like your profile pic.

 

[landslide2]

CTB is arguably the hardest thing anyone can do. There are some bad reasons like getting stuck in a moment and acting impulsively being one of them. But imho, if you're wondering if the reasons are good enough, then they may not be. It's not a comparison of suffering or an arbitrary threshold everyone must reach. It's different for different people. But we should exhaust possibilities before thinking of ctb. Like seeking help, trying to change our circumstances, seeing if we can reduce our suffering enough to feel life is worth living.
It will take time to figure out what you want, that may be your quest right now.

 

[CompressedAtoms]

All the time. I'm not gonna share my reason for wanting to CTB but it's definitely not a reasonable one, but I don't really care at the moment.

Objectively, there isnt a bad to reason to CTB-- And I'm not implying theres a good reason either. It's like comparing peoples' suffering, they're all suffering!

 

[CantDoIt]

One of my main reasons is something I'm positive people would tell me I'm overreacting about. In fact, I've complained about it a lot and everyone tells me I'm overreacting. But seriously? I don't feel that I am obviously. I'm tired of being condescended to, especially by people who are either (1) not going remotely through what I'm going through (2) are going through similar but don't care that much

Everyone has a different tolerance level for this sort of thing. Some people break before others.

 

[Trav1989]

I don't need a reason to CTB, it's my right to end things as I see fit and the only person allowed to judge me is myself. I could choose to CTB over getting the wrong McDonald's order and it would be no less valid than if I were married for 30 years and my wife decided to cheat on me, burn down my home for insurance money, cash the check, and run off to another country.

I do believe in getting your affairs in order and practicing common decency though and making sure those who have to brunt the foot of the bill be repaid in full and possibly be compensated extra for their applied effort.

Other than that we should be free to do as we wish and our lives are to do with as we please.

 

[moonoverthesea]

Yes, a lot. I think it's because I know that the act of CTB will bring a lot of pain to my loved ones, so I feel like I need to be sure that the pain I'm escaping from is big enough to justify putting others in pain to escape mine.

 

[brokeandbroken]

I think the contrary despite trying I'm running out of reasons to live.

 

[apeaceofmind]

im nearing a point where i might do it out of spite. i harbour so much hate towards most things anyways, including myself. if i ever do turn off the lights, ill be doing it out of pure emotion even though its so hard to feel emotions.

 

[Todsünde]

I don't think that there has to be a "good enough reason" or smth like that. The strongest feeling any being can have is if SI kicks in. Theres nothing as hard wired into existence itself than to keep existing. So whatever makes you overcome SI is your own reason to do whatever you feel is the right thing to do

 

[Praying 4 a Miracle]

Yes, I do feel like my reasons are not valid enough. I mean, the reality is that we are us. The world that we perceive is entirely through our own senses. In other words, the world really does revolve around us, (not trying to sound oberly prideful). If we choose to leave this world, those 5 physical senses are gone for good, and most people in the world have different opinions on what comes next.

We'd be giving up a lot of human experiences, so yes, personally I feel like there should be an extremely valid reason to want to give all that up. As well, a new reason to keep living can just pop pop out of nowhere (it just happened to me recently). Suffering is a very real thing, we're not just imagining it, but death is extremely permanent and irreversible. There are a million different things that could all of a sudden grab your interest in this life, that could make you really glad you decided to stick around.

 

[coolgal82]

yes, alot.

 

[Forever Sleep]

You're not wasting anyone's time. We're all here trying to figure our own minds out I think in a way.

Honestly, no. The first time I had suicidal thoughts, I was 10 and they frightened me. I felt like it was wrong to have them. But, after having them a few more times, I just felt like- right or wrong, they're here. And anyway- who gets to judge whether they are right or wrong or even justified? It's really what other people believe- 'suicides go to hell, suicide is the cowards way out' etc. etc. But- those aren't actually my opinions. They are what other people have pushed on me. Plus, I felt like life was particularly bad at that point. Ironically, in many ways, it's better now for me.

Where I do agree is- are my motives for wanting to go enough for the possible (likely) hurt my suicide could cause? At the moment- no- they're not- which is largely why I'm still here. If my situation deteriorated though or- if the last remaining person I believe my suicide would deeply affect died (my Dad,) then the balance would change and I'd feel more justified in going.

 

[danter0id]

I mean, all the time. I know that if I weren't such a fundamentally worthless failson of a human being, if I tried harder, I wouldn't be in this position. I might still want to kill myself, but I wouldn't *have* to, at least not the way I have to kill myself now. but I also think that what's "enough" or not doesn't matter - what matters is that it's enough to overcome SI.

 

[zurukunai]

I mean, all the time. I know that if I weren't such a fundamentally worthless failson of a human being, if I tried harder, I wouldn't be in this position. I might still want to kill myself, but I wouldn't *have* to, at least not the way I have to kill myself now. but I also think that what's "enough" or not doesn't matter - what matters is that it's enough to overcome SI.

really relatable.

i think that some instances of me being suicidal in the past were for insufficient reasons, but over time i fucked so many things up so hard that now i think suicide is necessary even if my mental illness were to suddenly disappear

 

[sevennn]

wish i didn't, i am being forced to. i wish i wasn't, i wish i could think of myself as an individual, and not as a multiple, body and i. it is breaking my heart to be thinking and planning and to be finally, doing this. this horrible, ugly thing. i do not want to, but i have to. my body is my bully, i do not even exist. buried somewhere deep within it. swallowed by it. i am not an i, suicide wont free me either. there will be just no chance to be me anymore, but there never was. and that's what hurts the most. i envy those here, who can still exhaust all their options, my body exhausted all of mine w/o even asking, and now i don't have any options left. it hurts a lot. i hope you understood me, actually i hope you didn't. i promised not to make any personal posts, just today i do not feel well. sorry

 

[OutOfThisBody]

When I get scared to do it I question my reasons and my own emotions, and I will start to feel happy being alive out of fear of dying. Then I'll try to force those feelings away and think logically and its like an internal battle in my head.

 

[pandorasactor]

I always have conflicting when attempting (a part of its due to SI) and if my reason for wanting to ctb are valid. I have to calm myself down and reassure myself that I have perfectly good reasons and don't need conformation from people as they do not love in my shoes.

I would be lying if i didn't say that this emotional turmoil is drastically worsening my mental health.

 

[ETgirl]

I used to. Now I am certain of my reality and I know my pain well enough.

 

[xhelx]

I feel like that whenever I think about suicide. Other than some family issues, I basically have a good life. The only problems I have are self made, but nothing major. I have no good reason to want to CTB yet I still do. I feel ungrateful for everything i have, for every person I have in my life, for all the money and help I've gotten from my parents and from other people, for having things some people work so hard for. It feels embarrassing to want to CTB without any actual reason, I'd rather make one up just so I could leave an explanation for it

 

[sevennn]

I feel like that whenever I think about suicide. Other than some family issues, I basically have a good life. The only problems I have are self made, but nothing major. I have no good reason to want to CTB yet I still do. I feel ungrateful for everything i have, for every person I have in my life, for all the money and help I've gotten from my parents and from other people, for having things some people work so hard for. It feels embarrassing to want to CTB without any actual reason, I'd rather make one up just so I could leave an explanation for it

i envy you so much. i hope you are not offended.

 

[Seered Doom]

Imposter syndrome over reasons wanna ctb makes too much sense to not have this happen at least a few times, yes, have been having that a lot

 

[xhelx]

i envy you so much. i hope you are not offended

It's okay, really hope there's a way for things to improve for you

 

[Just_Another_Person]

I have a variety of reasons to wanting ctb but I'm aware there are a lot of people in worse situations and don't want to die. That doesn't invalidate the way I feel and therefore I think my motives are legit.

 

[sevennn]

It's okay, really hope there's a way for things to improve for you

incurable. but it warms my heart to hear someone wishing well on me, thank you

 

[iva-J]

Quite regularly as mine is that my partner left me and any future I could possibly have without him in it as my lover is not one I care for. Other people have gone through far worse and never considered suicide, others on this board have gone through far worse and are looking to end it. When I read the stories of the horrific way the world has treated people I feel bad for wanting to die for my reason, but at the same I see no future without him as husband where it is worth living. I can no longer feel hope or create dreams for myself, all of those were shattered when decided I was not worth staying for (and I gave him plenty of reasons to make that decision which only makes it sting more).

You are wasting no one's time, these kind of discussions that cannot be had elsewhere are why the board is here.

 

[chronos-continuum]

Quite regularly as mine is that my partner left me and any future I could possibly have without him in it as my lover is not one I care for. Other people have gone through far worse and never considered suicide, others on this board have gone through far worse and are looking to end it. When I read the stories of the horrific way the world has treated people I feel bad for wanting to die for my reason, but at the same I see no future without him as husband where it is worth living. I can no longer feel hope or create dreams for myself, all of those were shattered when decided I was not worth staying for (and I gave him plenty of reasons to make that decision which only makes it sting more).

You are wasting no one's time, these kind of discussions that cannot be had elsewhere are why the board is here.

I think these decisions are deeply personal, they are about one's life so I think any trivialising or second guessing about our decisions and decision making process is unnecessary everyone goes through their own process that is shaped and informed by the individual and individuals context - it is difficult enough a process without the added burden of comparison but I think the knowledge that comparison between one's reasons and another circumstances is totally normal and part of our nature to orient ourselves to the external environment as a type of anchor or mooring for our decisions. I think one's decision to ctb is always valid - the fact the person has litterally had to overcome the very nature of being which without considering ego or personality which has literally built in it without our consideration or conscious consideration the continuation of being to 'insist' as well as 'exist' is the very nature of being - this on its own is what makes the decision so difficult even without the consideration of others and ourselves.

The fact one can't have these discussions without the full weight of 'survivalist' insistence coming down upon them is a tragedy in itself - we are held hostage and forced to find 'reasons' by internalised guilt from pro-life messaging but like so much of the meaningful stuff of life silence and suppression always accompanies honest, authentic and meaningful discussion having been stifled and drowned out by agendas, worldviews and others unexamined vested interests.

 

[Iamchickenhat]

Yes, I do feel like my reasons are not valid enough. I mean, the reality is that we are us. The world that we perceive is entirely through our own senses. In other words, the world really does revolve around us, (not trying to sound oberly prideful). If we choose to leave this world, those 5 physical senses are gone for good, and most people in the world have different opinions on what comes next.

We'd be giving up a lot of human experiences, so yes, personally I feel like there should be an extremely valid reason to want to give all that up. As well, a new reason to keep living can just pop pop out of nowhere (it just happened to me recently). Suffering is a very real thing, we're not just imagining it, but death is extremely permanent and irreversible. There are a million different things that could all of a sudden grab your interest in this life, that could make you really glad you decided to stick around.

Except the case of my dad. He died 3 weeks ago. He was almost 80yo. Maybe 81, I don't know. He has breathing problems for several years before he got really sick enough that they said he'd die. He quit paying the mortgage and the utilities and they works have been locked out of her hasn't died when he did and her church gave her enough money to pay this months debts. My brother is here getting her stuff sold and into a home.

EDIT: its cases like these if people stuck in religions that demand every minute of life instead of compassionate release that infuriate me.

 

[CatLove56]

It's always the stupid survival instinct telling me oh just keep going You've gone this far You're so strong and resilience like no I'm pretty tired of being a doormat. Pretty tired of being so pathetic and waiting for someone to put me out of my misery.