Do you continue to think about your past?

[licebap]

I'm set that I'm going ctb soon. I'm only waiting my N to arrive.

So I acknowledge these are my last few days on this earth. This brings me to continually thinking about my past, not about it in a general way but targeting the specific cursed episodes that ruined my life.

I'm in fact 100% convinced that specific episodes/choices between my 11 - 16 age definitely ruined my body and my mind in an uncoverable way.

I've always had this thoughts through my entire life, because I'm rationally certain that those episodes actually ruined my life. But now I think about those episodes 24/7 and in a psychotic way, such as if the more i think about them, the more I could effectively change the reality by removing them from my past.

I acquired apparently this psychosis where I can't help but to continually think about my mistakes in the will to remove them and regain my previous normal, healthy life, like nothing happened in the last 20 - 25 years.

Removing those episodes, I'm conviced I would have lived a totally different and happy life, now I would be in a totally different situation and would have never thought of ctb as my only escape.

Long story short, I would have wanted to be happy not to ctb (obvious lol) and I continue thinking I could have achieved that, but rationally now I have to catch to bus because I'm really driving me insane and psychic suffering has no other possibility than growing further the further I stay. (I have compromised life because of health, age and about everyhing)

Any other of you has these recurring, tormentating thoughts?

 

[Tomasnil]

Everyday

 

[Luke]

I'm set that I'm going ctb soon. I'm only waiting my N to arrive.

So I acknowledge these are my last few days on this earth. This brings me to continually thinking about my past, not about it in a general way but targeting the specific cursed episodes that ruined my life.

I'm in fact 100% convinced that specific episodes/choices between my 11 - 16 age definitely ruined my body and my mind in an uncoverable way.

I've always had this thoughts through my entire life, because I'm rationally certain that those episodes actually ruined my life. But now I think about those episodes 24/7 and in a psychotic way, such as if the more i think about them, the more I could effectively change the reality by removing them from my past.

I acquired apparently this psychosis where I can't help but to continually think about my mistakes in the will to remove them and regain my previous normal, healthy life, like nothing happened in the last 20 - 25 years.

Removing those episodes, I'm conviced I would have lived a totally different and happy life, now I would be in a totally different situation and would have never thought of ctb as my only escape.

Long story short, I would have wanted to be happy not to ctb (obvious lol) and I continue thinking I could have achieved that, but rationally now I have to catch to bus because I'm really driving me insane and psychic suffering has no other possibility than growing further the further I stay. (I have compromised life because of health, age and about everyhing)

Any other of you has these recurring, tormentating thoughts?

Who doesn't... I can relate to your every word.

These thoughts constantly torture me and I can't let them go. The only difference is that I vividly remember to each and every fuckup not just from my teens. I'm practically scared to do anything because no matter what I do it turns into guilt and regret. Like going to the shops can register as a crime in my head afterwards.

Im really fucking tired of it, and since I'm unable to change this, knowing tomorrow's yesterday is today I prefer to do as little as possible to avoid guilt.

It has drained everything from me.

I give up.

 

[nuclearsnake]

The older I get the more I realize how fucked up my family is. I've been through neglect and abuse and I reckon that if any of them had done their job right I wouldn't have ended up as fucked as I am right now. It pisses me off that people, including my own parents, make little humans without thinking things through.

 

[DF90]

Every minute of every day unfortunately.

 

[Imaginos]

Aside from occasionally cringing about all the stupid/embarrassing shit I've done over the years (which relatively speaking would be nothing to most people and would barely register a footnote in their memory, even to most of whom who come here I'd imagine) not really. To be honest, when I'm not cringing over it all, I'm laughing. What a silly comedy of errors it's been. Just one long, uniterrupted episode of "Arrested Development". That's all my past, and current life to some extent, is, frankly. Can't wait till it's over.

 

[Doctorj115]

Yep same. I'm new to the website. What does ctb mean?

 

[Deleted_9cKnXB34QG]

The older I get the more I realize how fucked up my family is. I've been through neglect and abuse and I reckon that if any of them had done their job right I wouldn't have ended up as fucked as I am right now. It pisses me off that people, including my own parents, make little humans without thinking things through.

Same, my parents fucked me up. My dad was an alcoholic, he ignored me as if I didn't exist. My mom was always busy with work or with trying to fix the problems that my dad created (we were constantly drowning in debt), all she ever told me was "go to school and be normal". My mental problems (anxiety, SPD) were never addressed because there was always something or someone more important than me.

I was an "accident", they didn't want me, I didn't ask for this life... 26 years of pointless existence, I don't think I'm gonna last much longer.

 

[Final Escape]

Yes, I'm trapped there and it is recommended that you revisit the painful event or events to process them if you still think about something that is more than like 18 months ago. You can do this by writing daily for like 15 mins or as long as u can about the painful events. But yea this is really uncomfortable so many people won't do it. It does work but you will most likely cry when u do this, but that's what it takes. This is one way u can do therapy with yourself if u can't find a therapist. Anyway, I did it for awhile and I was improving. Then I got arrested and the cops took my computer, it messed up my daily routine of doing this work and I never started back up.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

I think I understand how you're feeling. Like you, I think obsessively about the events in my life that ruined it, starting with the family that birthed me up to cumulative experience with government/authorities that underscores how little they care about citizens and how much of a myth "justice" is. It seems to me that if there are enough things in someone's life they find to be good, then the person is more likely to want to stick around to keep experiencing those things or similar ones. But we've just had a looooooooooot of bad things happen with far too little support to be among the hopeful.

I'm really sorry you're in so much pain. I am as close to certain as humanly possible I'll be following you soon. In another SS thread, someone wrote that the world stops caring about your mental health issues as you get older. Maybe they write us off as irreparably broken, but the abandonment by all our communities as we continue to suffer into maturity can be just another nail in the coffin following becoming invisible because we're over 30, with our opinions and values and perspectives--our lives--increasingly discounted as trivial or irrelevant, and then being denied work we need to survive which we're more than qualified for due both to competition and age discrimination. It can seem they want us to commit suicide, even as they pitch the ol' life-is-grand rhetoric.

If you haven't gotten your sh*t together by our age, the prospects tend not to be good. I think it's totally reasonable not to want to hang around to experience our (likely) futures. Peace.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

Yep same. I'm new to the website. What does ctb mean?

ctb = "catch the bus." To get out of life.

 

[Threads]

My past defines me. Can't run away from it. I just embrace it.

So yes. It dominates a good portion of my focus.

 

[ReleaseMe]

Every minute of every day unfortunately.

This

I hate this pile of 30 years of memories, just loneliness, fucking up, fear of the future and the future always exceeding the worst expectations. But the worst is when this sense of fake nostalgia creeps up on me. Memories hurt

 

[Fenrirsend]

Almost every second of every day.

It haunts me n I can't escape it. It's why I have to go.

 

[maktubler]

I think of all the bad choices I made in my mania. All the doors I shut on myself. All the opportunities I lost. Makes me sad. It feels like I never stood a chance. I didn't figure out how to play this game called life. I lost.

 

[Vvoiid]

Yes, all the time. I hate it. It makes me feel a gazillion times worse and I can't stop thinking about it.

 

[skitliv]

I think of all the bad choices I made in my mania. All the doors I shut on myself. All the opportunities I lost. Makes me sad. It feels like I never stood a chance. I didn't figure out how to play this game called life. I lost.

This 100%

 

[Justanotherconsumer]

I do everyday, almost every minute, but I do take solace even whimsical amusement that life had to cheat and lie swearing to god in court to get me. Not too long ago I found out this person who forever and irrevocably destroyed my life died, prematurely way before there time, and it does make me wonder maybe there is a god, or karma is real.

 

[sadak_the_wanderer]

I think about it continually.

I will hear a song and the name will bring up that of a girl I really cared about in high school. When I drive through my old college town or where I grew up, I remember all of the places that used to be there, buildings that were torn down, and businesses that collapsed, almost like a ghostly overlay of the past; I call this "geographic nostalgia." If there is a cat picture, I think about my departed cats, how I wish they knew how I wanted them to be comfortable and happy. I think of my mistakes, sometimes inadvertent, sometimes pure foolishness, at the slightest reminder.

It is doubtful things would have turned out any better, on the whole, if I had it to do all over again. My memories are just one way that a life for someone like me could have turned out.

And I don't have enough good memories to counteract this.

 

[mattwitt]

I have dreams about my past all the time. I dream about high school, my first job, boot camp, this one girl, and my last job a lot. It's my future that bothers me the most! (I don't have one worth living for!)