Do others do not specially want to ctb but finds that they have no other choice

[WeDontKnowTheFuture]

I came to the conclusion that if neurology or shamanism ( ayahuasca) cannot fix my issue, i will maybe finally opt for suicide despite that my parents are still there.
What i'm living is constant torture and i'm not capable to bear for longer, no hope on the horizon despite so much effort for so much time, lot of friends gave up on me. Wich is not my reason to be suicidal but this also is terrible...

Today, i told to myself that it is not fair and very deshumanizing to live as me. That if my parents would be able to see what i'm living, they will agree that i leave as they are supposed to priorize what is the best for me. I saw enough and i keep up living as a deeply tortured being each day at the point where i'm asking myself how is this possible to suffer that much.
I do not specially want to leave, it seem to me to that it is sad, i do not find a confort in it except in the fact that it will stop hell.
I just understand that it's the only thing I can do to stop this life that for far too long has lost all meaning and is more than a hamas of vain, insipid and unbearable suffering.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I can either

1. live with envy of cis women that consumes me, and loneliness from being single and touch starved
or
2. CTB

I don't want either option, but I don't have a third choice. CTB seems to be the lesser of the 2 evils.