Hello everyone. I would like to say that I am in the recovery phase. I am still struggling to heal and to have a good quality of life but in any case I have everything I need for the ctb ( ropes and Sn I recently bought). I am trying to understand if I am mad as they describe me and for this reason I have made an appointment with a new psychologist in mid-May.
My questions are these: is it legitimate that I have a ptsd or can I define myself as abused? Am i mad or mad Is my father and my family?
And above all based on this do I really have the right to commit ctb? For some strange reason the "impostor syndrome" appears and I feel like I don't really deserve to commit suicide. I read about people who have suffered much more than me and I feel like a spoiled child.
Starting from the beginning:
*mother always sick since I was born because of fibromyalgia, unable to satisfy my physical and emotional needs. She did not feel emotions and she was always in her world inaccessible to me. When i was young i believed She wasn't my Mother and i would have preferred to growing up in an orphanage;
*diagnosed autistic father, physically violent towards his wife, partially physically towards me, psychologically towards both of us in a devastating way. Excessive attached to his family of origin, he was an absent as father and for us only a Monster. I hoped his death for years. He only thought about his work in agriculture and his absorbing interests;
(~ the previous psychologist spoke of a disorganized attachment that destroyed me more than autism did - she was tied to the biopsychosocial model and according to her with my high potential I would not have had problems if I had been born into a different family)
* bullying in elementary school and middle school by classmates both for physical reasons and because I was strange. I only had one friend, max 2 per education cycle. Surely my social inabilities have counted in addition to the isolation of my parents. We have never had any family friends, only acquaintances;
*anxiety disorder, then major depressive both diagnosed, autism diagnosed and now I suspect a borderline personality with current self-harming tendencies. I have been cutting myself since the beginning of January because the pain is the only emotion I can feel. And I suffer of body dysmorphic disorder and i hate myself;
*non-existent family network. I tried to rebuilt a relationship with my mother's family but everything fell apart again;
*incitement to suic*de for at least 2 years on social media by bullies of middle school and in the family by the part of my father with a lot of family abuse that continues more and more and I'm dying more and more every day;
*emotional hypersensitivity and dysphoria to rejection, I hate feeling rejected;
*I don't work, I hope to find one soon but I don't know if I'll be able to keep it.
Thank you for all answers.
My questions are these: is it legitimate that I have a ptsd or can I define myself as abused? Am i mad or mad Is my father and my family?
And above all based on this do I really have the right to commit ctb? For some strange reason the "impostor syndrome" appears and I feel like I don't really deserve to commit suicide. I read about people who have suffered much more than me and I feel like a spoiled child.
Starting from the beginning:
*mother always sick since I was born because of fibromyalgia, unable to satisfy my physical and emotional needs. She did not feel emotions and she was always in her world inaccessible to me. When i was young i believed She wasn't my Mother and i would have preferred to growing up in an orphanage;
*diagnosed autistic father, physically violent towards his wife, partially physically towards me, psychologically towards both of us in a devastating way. Excessive attached to his family of origin, he was an absent as father and for us only a Monster. I hoped his death for years. He only thought about his work in agriculture and his absorbing interests;
(~ the previous psychologist spoke of a disorganized attachment that destroyed me more than autism did - she was tied to the biopsychosocial model and according to her with my high potential I would not have had problems if I had been born into a different family)
* bullying in elementary school and middle school by classmates both for physical reasons and because I was strange. I only had one friend, max 2 per education cycle. Surely my social inabilities have counted in addition to the isolation of my parents. We have never had any family friends, only acquaintances;
*anxiety disorder, then major depressive both diagnosed, autism diagnosed and now I suspect a borderline personality with current self-harming tendencies. I have been cutting myself since the beginning of January because the pain is the only emotion I can feel. And I suffer of body dysmorphic disorder and i hate myself;
*non-existent family network. I tried to rebuilt a relationship with my mother's family but everything fell apart again;
*incitement to suic*de for at least 2 years on social media by bullies of middle school and in the family by the part of my father with a lot of family abuse that continues more and more and I'm dying more and more every day;
*emotional hypersensitivity and dysphoria to rejection, I hate feeling rejected;
*I don't work, I hope to find one soon but I don't know if I'll be able to keep it.
Thank you for all answers.
