In my note should I tell my boyfriend that I don't love him or carry on playing my part even in death?
Before I explain the backstory I want to say that I know I'm a bad person and what I'm doing is mean.
I met him when we were 14 not long after we became friends I dropped out of school. He was the only person who continued to talk to me. Around 15 he started making it very clear he had a crush on me, making sexual comments continuously asking me out etc. At 16 I had enough of the comments and "will you be my girlfriend" on the daily/weekly basis so I told him the truth as to why I couldn't be with him. He said he understood but it didn't take long for him to start whining about how much he hates that I couldn't date him. The sexual comments continued. At 18 with the whining, disgusting comments and around 7 more "will you be my girlfriend" I finally gave in and agreed. The main reason being that he's my only friend and I wanted to shut him up.
We don't have actual conversations it's all sexual (from him) I can say something as simple as "my work is busy today" and he will make it sexual. I tired to tell him but he just says "I'm a teenage boy so this is all I think about". It makes me feel gross. We are 19 now he makes comments that severely triggers my eating disorder, I don't think he does it on purpose but it's like he always has to do one better than me. To make things worse he knows about my issues but he dismisses them. The vulgar comments are getting worse. He's not even into anything normal either.
I know this is the only way that anyone could love me or think they love me. I've tried to love him but I can't.
I don't want to hurt him but I also don't want to die being something I'm not.
Before I explain the backstory I want to say that I know I'm a bad person and what I'm doing is mean.
I met him when we were 14 not long after we became friends I dropped out of school. He was the only person who continued to talk to me. Around 15 he started making it very clear he had a crush on me, making sexual comments continuously asking me out etc. At 16 I had enough of the comments and "will you be my girlfriend" on the daily/weekly basis so I told him the truth as to why I couldn't be with him. He said he understood but it didn't take long for him to start whining about how much he hates that I couldn't date him. The sexual comments continued. At 18 with the whining, disgusting comments and around 7 more "will you be my girlfriend" I finally gave in and agreed. The main reason being that he's my only friend and I wanted to shut him up.
We don't have actual conversations it's all sexual (from him) I can say something as simple as "my work is busy today" and he will make it sexual. I tired to tell him but he just says "I'm a teenage boy so this is all I think about". It makes me feel gross. We are 19 now he makes comments that severely triggers my eating disorder, I don't think he does it on purpose but it's like he always has to do one better than me. To make things worse he knows about my issues but he dismisses them. The vulgar comments are getting worse. He's not even into anything normal either.
I know this is the only way that anyone could love me or think they love me. I've tried to love him but I can't.
I don't want to hurt him but I also don't want to die being something I'm not.
