Help Digging myself out of this or CTB.

[Livingvsdying25]

So one of my workers is going on medical leave for 6 months starting Friday. I was aging out of the program this yr anyway, but I didn't expect it to be so soon.

Cried a little. We talked on the phone. This is why I've been pushing people away bc now I am questioning CTB.

She, among others, all see this amazing person that I only sometimes see. So the convo left me confused. Talked to my friend and, of course, the same confidence or strength & awesome person she sees in me....


Anyway... I'm at a place where the darkness is all consuming and I feel like I'm using all my fucking energy to keep it away and once I rest here I am...suicidal. which is obviously exhausting and hasnt left any fucking space for enjoyment. I've only experienced enjoyment in things when I completely let go. Like in moments where im maintaining everything I'm slightly like... able to have moments of joy but not really.

That's why last week when I broke down a bit at peer support and admitted not just to the group but to myself how much all of this weighs on me... I got angry after. I got angry about my situation when talking to someone else who's a support and my therapist later.

I'm not ok with all these fucking chronic health issues. None of which have a cure and all of which require constant maintenance that I just CAN'T do/handle. Like mentally but also bc I literally have a neurotype that doesn't really work well with consistency. (ADHD) but then I have one that does (Autism) so... it could work but I'd still need a lot of outside help to do so.


So this post is labeled help bc.... I dunno wtf to do anymore y'all.

Ik a common thought is if ya have anything to keep living for keep living/exhaust all until ya have nothing left but...

I'm exhausted with my life. Things could get better but rn especially I'm dying from the inside out. When I look in the mirror it scares me. My eyes look so dead and honestly they've looked like this before probs worse but only my mom ever commented and now when I think back there was an odd excitement in her voice when she said it. She's a sick fucking person so I'm not suprised but anyway...


Dying isn't easy that is obvious... but right now. Dying has steps that I can follow. It's familiar bc I've been studying it for awhile.

Living / digging myself outta this fucking grave? Unfamiliar as hell tbh. Only in the last yr or so have I experienced what it means to hope, put in effort and have that come to fruition. All my hopes and efforts were always stomped prior to me moving 2 yrs ago. So im not used to what it means to hope and such. Hell I only stopped having a deathwish like last yr summer give or take.


Sooooo with all that said.... anyone have any insight from personal experience and such into wtf to do. I really dunno and ik I'm not gonna figure it out on my own. Maybe I do wanna live but I dunno how to get back there. And bc I don't kno bc in the past if I didn't know something it meant game over....

Now it's more so like I can reach out and ask others... but anyway....

If its up to me I'm just gonna CTB. Maybe that speaks to how I really feel. Or it speaks to my inexperience with living.

I dunno. Anyway. Ig I can't ask anyone to tell me how to live but more so examples of is it possible at this point? Am I damned? I dunno.

Feels easier to just die at this point anyway.... *shrugs*

Turning down for the evening so shall check this and other posts later thnx y'all

 

[Aisley]

It can be almost impossible to actually see our lives from a clear space. It often seems, in your writing, that you do want to live, but in that unfettered way everybody else seems to live.

if at all possible, try and section off all your negative thoughts about suicide, so you can look at them, diesect them. Are they all rooted in those negative thoughts we're taught to have? For you, I would imagine there are a few stragglers. (Just woke up so i'm kinda stupid rn) I would say get the method, and sit on it. Live life for a while knowing you have the out. And with sn (ik, not my first pick either) you can't do it on a whim. You have to plan ahead, still. But you'll have this option, which could, could lighten every breath taken.

i would leave all doors open, is what I'm saying, i guess.

 

[MalboroMan420]

The way I look at it… ctb is just taking death under our control and showing whoever tf did create us, that we have enough courage to tackle anything in life, even death itself. That we fought and fought fought until we couldn't no more and then we still have the courage to give one last blow ..

Worse case scenario .. utter nothingness? Best case? We get to roam freely and or reincarnate with the courage we mustered up before death and carry it into the next..