Venting Didn't end up killing myself in the end but still insanely miserable.

[hisfailedprotector]

I've been hesistating to do it and didn't end up doing it on Sunday like I said I would, but every day is still more miserable than the last, I do genuinely want it to end but I'm worried about what might happen afterwards.

The feeling of loss, disconnect and self hatred grows more and more, my regrets are burning me alive and I just can't bring myself to finally end it all, I hate this limbo of feeling suicidal and yet being unable to act on it and instead just having to pretend to hold together what little I have left, giving fake smiles to people who have made me this way and knowing that the one person who genuinely loved me in my life is gone forever, it's all too much to bear.

I fucking despise myself and the world I've created around me, if only it was easier to just make it end.

 

[coffeebeany]

I've been hesistating to do it and didn't end up doing it on Sunday like I said I would, but every day is still more miserable than the last, I do genuinely want it to end but I'm worried about what might happen afterwards.

The feeling of loss, disconnect and self hatred grows more and more, my regrets are burning me alive and I just can't bring myself to finally end it all, I hate this limbo of feeling suicidal and yet being unable to act on it and instead just having to pretend to hold together what little I have left, giving fake smiles to people who have made me this way and knowing that the one person who genuinely loved me in my life is gone forever, it's all too much to bear.

I fucking despise myself and the world I've created around me, if only it was easier to just make it end.

I m sorry you are feeling so miserable and I can relate. Don't be too hard on yourself though. Maybe it just wasn't the right time for you. You are not alone. Many people here try and then find themselves unable to do it for whatever reason. Survival instinct can be very hard to overcome. Maybe this gives you another chance to seek recovery or your circumstances might improve? In any case, CTB will always be an option. Maybe not today. Wishing you the best.

 

[Busridin'26]

I've been hesistating to do it and didn't end up doing it on Sunday like I said I would, but every day is still more miserable than the last, I do genuinely want it to end but I'm worried about what might happen afterwards.

The feeling of loss, disconnect and self hatred grows more and more, my regrets are burning me alive and I just can't bring myself to finally end it all, I hate this limbo of feeling suicidal and yet being unable to act on it and instead just having to pretend to hold together what little I have left, giving fake smiles to people who have made me this way and knowing that the one person who genuinely loved me in my life is gone forever, it's all too much to bear.

I fucking despise myself and the world I've created around me, if only it was easier to just make it end.

I relate extremely. I'm so sorry you feel alla dis its a lot. I'm a lil brain dead but my attempt at words of comfort is its ok if you werent able to CTB. It takes a lot. Takes a lot to live too. I hope ur able to be gentle with yourself. Try to do smthin you enjoy or likeeee the best distraction. You deserve anything that bring you a bit of reprieve.

 

[Baisley]

I am so sorry that you're feeling so miserable. I am feeling the same. It sucks when you just don't want to exist anymore but yet can't or haven't figured out how to successfully CTB yet.