Did you used to be happy?

[dysfunctional]

Looking back af this point, I can say my life was a joy before severe depression hit me about 6-7 months ago. Now every second of my life contains more pain/agitation/discomfort than every bad day of my life before this. I was supposedly depressed before, but wow that wasn't much compared to this. Just curious how many of us have always hated life or a sudden event or trigger brought us to this point.

 

[Taylored]

I use to be extremely happy as a Child and enjoyed waking up every single day doing sports and socializing staying ignorant of my environment and how harsh it would turn out to on me once I grew up.

 

[creationisdeath]

I was never happy. I thought I was for a few moments - but when betrayal set in that more than made up for it.

That's why I still try to be happy. I have survived so far due to instinct. It shouldn't have been for nothing.

 

[dysfunctional]

I sometimes wonder if I have depersonalization disorder or something. Or if its just a disconnection symptom of depression. I feel like the happy me was a completely different person, another human who I have nothing tondo with now.

 

[21Neberg]

I'm sure I looked forward to my future when I was younger, but I certainly don't anymore.

 

[Whatshername]

I used to deal with only minor anxiety in my youth, but it didn't hinder my life in a serious manner. So, yes I was happy for the better part of my life. I was 28/29, when a series of negative events sent me into a downspiral, emotionally, mentally and physically. It's been over a decade of roller-coaster since then, and now I'm at the point of no return.

 

[dysfunctional]

I used to deal with only minor anxiety in my youth, but it didn't hinder my life in a serious manner. So, yes I was happy for the better part of my life. I was 28/29, when a series of negative events sent me in a downspiral, emotionally and physically. It's been a roller-coaster since then, and now I'm at the point of no return.

Sounds familiar. Guess i'm lucky i enjoyed things till age 33

 

[siray]

I have carried this profound sorrow with me ever since I became self-aware, every little predicament that has happened to me stays in my memory and makes my rage turn inwards. I have at times felt like screaming my throat out and beating my brains out with a bat.
So no, I don't remember ever being 'happy'. What the fuck does it mean to be happy anyway? I don't want anything to do with life.

 

[Koal]

I think I still do get happy sometimes despite everything. I don't know for sure though, it might just be numbness that I mistake for happiness just because it isn't sadness.

 

[ThinkingAboutThis]

I am not sure that I was truly happy. I'd definitely struggled and had ups and downs in life, but I was content with finding my place in the Sun. Sadly, I lost that place and the last 4 years have been worse than anything before. Awful.

 

[Whatshername]

I think I still do get happy sometimes despite everything. I don't know for sure though, it might just be numbness that I mistake for happiness just because it isn't sadness.

You don't know how much I relate. Feeling any human emotion other than apathy makes me kind of "happy". Even negative ones, like anger. At least it breaks the almost 24/7 numbness.

 

[deathbycakes]

i was happy 7 months ago, but then someone very dear to me passed away and my life is ruined, i feel empty and depressed. now i don't have anything to look forward in life, wanting death everyday...

 

[EmoIsNotAPhase]

I found a journal from elementary school first grade and I was suicidal then I've been self harming since I was 2ish I don't think there was a single period of my life where I was ok I was happy fir about 6 months back in. Senior year and I was happy fir 6 months when I first started smoking weed but other then that I can't feel happy fir more then a day

 

[Pulpit2018]

Last time i was truly happy and it was long term not momentary,was when i was a child.

 

[Othermind]

I was well and truly happy and contented with my life for almost exactly 24 hours 4 years ago, and that was the only time. I'm not even joking.
The rest has been some flavor of shitty pretty much across the board, nothing comparable to the wracking guilt that I've been feeling every waking moment this past year, but I can't say I was "happy" or even "fine" either.

 

[borntodie777]

Can't remember being happy after turning 10 or 11. Before that the school I was in was really nice, everybody knew me and I was really naughty so all the teachers knew me as well.

It was really great to have so many friends and people who actually cared about me. After changing the school and coming to the new one, the teachers were really rude and used to beat and insult me for minor things.

I also lost all my friends as I moved to another city and making new friends was kinda hard before people generally stuck to their own clique. I did make friends but I was still treated like an outsider. Adding to my luck, my dad bought a house that was about 20 miles from the school and the main city area so we pretty much lived in a small village outside of the city, most of my classmates lived in the city so I missed out on birthday parties, school trips, trips that my friend circle went to.. there was literally nothing to do.

And then I kept moving again and again every 3 years and kept getting more and more isolated.

I never had a normal childhood or teenage or early adulthood.. it was miserable and it still is.

 

[Deafsn0w]

I was happy when I didn't exist.

 

[lemmeeleev]

Looking back af this point, I can say my life was a joy before severe depression hit me about 6-7 months ago. Now every second of my life contains more pain/agitation/discomfort than every bad day of my life before this. I was supposedly depressed before, but wow that wasn't much compared to this. Just curious how many of us have always hated life or a sudden event or trigger brought us to this point.

I never really liked my life even as a child, I was just living cause I wasn't dying. I even had some of the same feelings I do now like feeling isolated.

 

[Othermind]

Adding to my luck, my dad bought a house that was about 20 miles from the school and the main city area so we pretty much lived in a small village outside of the city, most of my classmates lived in the city so I missed out on birthday parties, school trips, trips that my friend circle went to.. there was literally nothing to do.

This just reminded me how it takes next to fucking nothing to become an outcast when you're a kid/teenager, and after that your odds of your life going down the shitter absolutely skyrocket.

 

[couragetodie]

I have had times of happiness sure. But there was always this underlying grief. At good times, I could keep the grief under control. At bad times, like now, it takes over and pushes happiness away.

 

[Tara2018]

I had a great life , caring t ignoring at the same time rich family, good education etc...
But I was never happy , nothing was ever enough... I always wanted more , I always felt hunger for emotions, to be understood...
And the more I tried I felt miserably...
I always struggled with managing grief, loneliness and searching for my true self.
I was suicidal , alcoholic and self destructive from a very early age.

 

[couragetodie]

I had a great life , caring t ignoring at the same time rich family, good education etc...
But I was never happy , nothing was ever enough... I always wanted more , I always felt hunger for emotions, to be understood...
And the more I tried I felt miserably...
I always struggled with managing grief, loneliness and searching for my true self.
I was suicidal , alcoholic and self destructive from a very early age.

I can relate to a lot of this. Only thing is that my childhood sucked mainly because I had shit parents. I am amazed at how some people can overcome their shitty childhoods while others cannot. For me, I could for a while. On and off for years but now it's all crashing down and I'm tired of the fight. Depression has got me by the throat.

 

[goesforemast]

Last time for me was before 6th grade in school. that's also the last time i had friends in my life. so the first half of my life till age 12 i was happy and since then i am just a lonely guy without and social contacts. My day is only about sleeping --> going to school/work --> coming home playing videos games/watching porn --> sleeping. But i hope its going to end soon, maybe early march :) still thinking about wether to write a goodbye letter to my family or not. i would like to so they dont think it was their fault but on the other end i feel more guilty when i think about writing a letter instead of just ctb.

 

[bigj75]

yes around the age a 14 to 17 life was a f****** blast. Then it all went down hill.

 

[Bread]

I was about 12 when things started getting seriously bad. Since the time I was born I have always been too sensitive and weak to survive in this world, and as I neared adolescence, deeply rooted self hatred began to grow inside me. I felt inadequate compared to my peers and most people in my class treated me as if I didn't exist. By the time I was 13 I was regularly cutting myself, was in therapy for depression, and was put on meds. Every year since then has only been worse, and therapy and medication have done nothing to stave off my descent.

So I guess I was happy when I was a child, but I wasn't suited to become an adult, and so as time passed I became miserable because I wasn't strong enough. I only regret having continued to live for so long.

 

[bigj75]

I was about 12 when things started getting seriously bad. Since the time I was born I have always been too sensitive and weak to survive in this world, and as I neared adolescence, deeply rooted self hatred began to grow inside me. I felt inadequate compared to my peers and most people in my class treated me as if I didn't exist. By the time I was 13 I was regularly cutting myself, was in therapy for depression, and was put on meds. Every year since then has only been worse, and therapy and medication have done nothing to stave off my descent.

So I guess I was happy when I was a child, but I wasn't suited to become an adult, and so as time passed I became miserable because I wasn't strong enough. I only regret having continued to live for so long.

That's fucked up. I was in a similar situation. Raised by weakness and then when i finally broke out of it i get pulled back in.

 

[Trulysorry]

Yes.

 

[Sixfeetunder]

I was before around 12 or 13. But even then, I had mood swings and my parents said they've noticed I've had some mood problems since around 4 or 5. However, other than those mood problems, I was happy. And I actually wanted to live. I remember wanting to live to the 22nd century.

 

[Lonely_soul_lisburn]

I cant say ive ever been truly happy. Ive had happy times, experiences etc but this overwhelming feeling of not belonging, not fitting in or having no purpose has plagued me since childhood.

 

[ParamitePie]

I remember being happy as a kid. It's been a long time since I could say I was truly happy. Ever since I was about 12 or so, I just wanted to cease existing, but felt like it would negatively impact the people around me to an unreasonable degree. I was anchoring myself to the emotional wellbeing of others, as a way of making it through the day. There were times when the depression would ebb, and I was able to make light of life more than usual, but it wasn't happiness, so much as less difficult coping.