Discussion Did you have a plan for the future before deciding on CTBing

[Dinozauria]

I'll go first. I wanted to be a Paleontologist at first, then a vagabond, before I finally settled on CTBing

 

[tonicer]

I wanted to be a police officer when i was a kid but realized they get assaulted all the time by crazy people so i switched to IT guy so i studied it and cannot for the life of me find a job in that area so all that studying was a waste of time now i just want to fade away but i have to wait until my parents die which might be 15 or so years for my mom and maybe 5 for my dad. I don't want them to go earlier of course since they were always pretty good to me especially my mom but enduring this cursed existence for that long is not going to be easy.

 

[GodzillasBiggestFan]

since i was quite young i always figured i would die young either from ctb or something else, my mother was often ill with unknown reasons that i didn't know if it would be genetic and affect me plus many accidents happened that could have killed me. before that there was a very small amount of time when i wanted to be a firefighter(like when i was really little like preschool) but from a young age and from the first time i tried it(first grade), i always wanted to be a theatre actor. i still sometimes think i want that instead of ctb and it's how i will spend the rest of whatever time i do live.

 

[comeoutandhauntme]

my dream was always to be an author and publish stories. but i've been so unmotivated and depressed for years that's i've not been able to write a lot in so long. it makes me sad to look back and see how creative i was when i was younger

 

[DeoxygenDaydream]

I always grew up with a vague idea of wanting to make video games, and eventually did some compsci for college before switching to art and dropping out. Never had a 5 year plan or even a year down the line. Now I work my current job, and frankly it could be a nice career, but it's still impossible to picture myself happy and fulfilled in even an attainable future that I'd rather give in now. I've always joked I would ctb on my own terms before fate/nature did that for me, and I intend to keep that promise at least.

 

[Wolff603]

As of right now im uncertain about my future. I do not know whether or not I'm suicidal as of right now, which is a blessing, but even now, I only have a vague idea; I just can't imagine a future for myself.

 

[baptist6]

I had a girlfriend of 2 years, she gave me hope, she made me happy and distracted me. Ive always been suicidal but she helped me. I decided to get things together because of her, I started college, I planned to become a data analyst and to buy a house and settle down and have children. However, 2 weeks into school, she broke up with me and cheated on me. So I had to go through not only my surroundings change but also this. I went manic, overdosed on Zoloft, dropped out. Now I have nothing, no matter how many people say "Im here for you" no one reaches out, when I reach out, they ghost me and ignore me. I've felt like this all my life, and then I finally had a plan to get better, I had hope. Now I'm nothing, I have no one, and I have nothing.

 

[PropaneOctane]

Ever since I was a kid I wanted to be one of these popular internet animators. But I'm way too asocial and post too little for the algorithm to even give me a chance. So I just got nothing now.

 

[Afterglow]

Honestly. My dream was just to move in with my girlfriend, get married, and both of us work part time jobs. Just enough money to cover the things we need with a little bit extra, and plenty of time to spend together.

Unfortunately, due to me being me, things fell through. I have no hope left.

 

[inkmage333]

I wanted to be a professor. But I'm too far gone mentally to do that anymore.

 

[thehorizons]

I wanted to go back to uni, do some art on the side, get into a relationship, and change my career path. Also, flirted with the idea of getting into research. This was before I was diagnosed with oral cancer and going through post-acute withdrawal syndrome.

I feel like everyone on this thread had their lives stolen. Some had their lives stolen and able to regain it, while others can't. I really believe this is fate. Some coincidences are too apparent to ignore.

 

[burninghill]

I've never been unsure about my future. I've always wanted to be an artist, I want to display in galleries and coordinate exhibitions.

I slowly realised that that future isn't worth the effort it would take to get there.

 

[UserFromNowhere]

Yes, and it's served as a nice excuse for people wondering about my future plans. Keep telling them the lie, myself the lie, so we don't have to face the truth that I don't know how long I'll continue living.

 

[Forveleth]

I still have plans because I am still not dead. I intend to keep living my life right up until the day I kill myself.

 

[chaoschuckler]

I wanted to fix my dysfunctional Family but they ended up fucking me

 

[SDB]

I wanted to go back to uni, do some art on the side, get into a relationship, and change my career path. Also, flirted with the idea of getting into research. This was before I was diagnosed with oral cancer and going through post-acute withdrawal syndrome.

I feel like everyone on this thread had their lives stolen. Some had their lives stolen and able to regain it, while others can't. I really believe this is fate. Some coincidences are too apparent to ignore.

That's exactly right lives stolen. I've had mine wrecked by others a few times. I haven't really made many bad decisions ,but some had other variables I didn't see coming.

 

[Ghostlights]

I'll go first. I wanted to be a Paleontologist at first, then a vagabond, before I finally settled on CTBing

No way! That's exactly what I wanted to be! Decided that I'm not smart enough for university... probably won't pass my finals, so I'll not even have the option to attempt this career. Gonna try to become a carpenter after school, but haven't found a carpentry that will accept me as an apprentice yet. If life doesn't work out in the next ten years, I'm out.

 

[RedFruit]

Well when I was a kid I wanted to be a singer until I noticed how bad I was haha. Then I wanted to be a stay at home mom, but that's not practical I'm so many ways. I'd like to be a hospice nurse but I don't think I'll ever get the chance to.

 

[thehorizons]

I made bad ones without knowing it. I don't want to get fatalist, but it seemed like fate. For example, I smoked a lot of shisha back in the day thinking that it would be harmless. Now, I'm seeing the symptoms of oral cancer after years of it not being detectable. Then I took only 0.5mg of Ativan daily for a week and experienced interdose and post-acute withdrawals, which is statistically almost impossible. Before these two events, I fractured my fibula as well. This all happened under a year. I really found my purpose before these events, and now my life is literally stolen.

I guess, maybe, deep down (even though this feels like a simulation), subconsciously I feel that CTB-ing would give me some form of agency. But, I'm scared too. There are things that were beyond my control that happened, so who's to say that I would be able to have successful CTB. I mean life has been shitty enough. Like my life was already stolen and now my death is stolen? This is true to some degree because I can't take benzos or anti-emetics to CTB, as they would wreak havoc on my nervous system before the attempt (e.g. give me akathasia). This is so insane.

Whatever it is happening with us, I hope we can find our peace.