Discussion Did you/ do you want to parent children? Poll

[Forever Sleep]

I've never really had a very strong desire to have children. I do feel a maternal instinct to care for and protect them- when I've been around them but (maybe unusually,) I've never had a great desire to have my own. I'm grateful for that because, it makes it easier to lean towards anti-natilism which I feel is absolutely the right decision for me.

I very briefly saw a therapist in my early 30's who asked me the question. She said maybe I didn't want children because my childhood had been pretty painful. Maybe it would remind me too much of my (deceased) mother. I didn't like to say it was because it was more that I didn't want them ending up as unhappy as me and- I'm fairly certain they would.

I suppose I could understand the question. It's probably a fairly common desire of people of that age. Still, it also made me feel a bit annoyed in a way. Like- that's a potential solution. Have a child. Bring purpose into your life. Like a living, feeling, emotional crutch. What about the child's life?!! Why would it be good for them to have a mother like me? I think I'm being a much better mother leaving my unborn children where they are.

I don't know how common that is really. Especially for women. I've known and known of quite a few women who were almost obsessive about becoming mothers. I suppose also, I was pretty fixated on a career. Plus, I was never attractive enough to have a partner so, the actual practicalities weren't there as an option for me!

I'm curious to know though- how many people here feel that biological drive. If you don't, do you ever wonder why?

Also, as a side note, for those who have chosen not to have children, have you ever found yourself almost having to defend why? That's happened a few times to me. It's made me realise that maybe it isn't all that normal! It's been kind of weird though. Plus, kind of hard to hold back the full anti-natilist reasoning without insulting them.

 

[zekeyaeger]

For me the reason to never have kids is because I do not wish to pass on the bad genes. I do not want to lead to suffering that I faced.

 

[LostLily]

No, because I barely know how to take care of myself. Let alone another human being. Plus, not sure if I will be alive in a year

 

[ForgottenAgain]

I've never really had a very strong desire to have children. I do feel a maternal instinct to care for and protect them- when I've been around them but (maybe unusually,) I've never had a great desire to have my own. I'm grateful for that because, it makes it easier to lean towards anti-natilism which I feel is absolutely the right decision for me.

I very briefly saw a therapist in my early 30's who asked me the question. She said maybe I didn't want children because my childhood had been pretty painful. Maybe it would remind me too much of my (deceased) mother. I didn't like to say it was because it was more that I didn't want them ending up as unhappy as me and- I'm fairly certain they would.

I suppose I could understand the question. It's probably a fairly common desire of people of that age. Still, it also made me feel a bit annoyed in a way. Like- that's a potential solution. Have a child. Bring purpose into your life. Like a living, feeling, emotional crutch. What about the child's life?!! Why would it be good for them to have a mother like me? I think I'm being a much better mother leaving my unborn children where they are.

I don't know how common that is really. Especially for women. I've known and known of quite a few women who were almost obsessive about becoming mothers. I suppose also, I was pretty fixated on a career. Plus, I was never attractive enough to have a partner so, the actual practicalities weren't there as an option for me!

I'm curious to know though- how many people here feel that biological drive. If you don't, do you ever wonder why?

Also, as a side note, for those who have chosen not to have children, have you ever found yourself almost having to defend why? That's happened a few times to me. It's made me realise that maybe it isn't all that normal! It's been kind of weird though. Plus, kind of hard to hold back the full anti-natilist reasoning without insulting them.

I think we're very similar. Just like you, I never had a strong desire to have children but I have the maternal instinct. I've always really liked the idea of adopting.

This part you said is my thought process pretty much word for word:

Like- that's a potential solution. Have a child. Bring purpose into your life. Like a living, feeling, emotional crutch. What about the child's life?!! Why would it be good for them to have a mother like me?

I've always been a very rational person, I ponder on things for a very long time before deciding, and the "pro" of potentially being happier for having a kid is not something I can count on since it isn't a guarantee and since it feels immoral to me.

I didn't vote because I don't really stand on "yes" or "no" at this point in time. I'm very unsure since, if I were to be a parent, it would be with the goal of bringing happiness to the child and I think that is valuable. I think I'm capable of being a good parent, I have the financial means, I'm a smart person and I have a lot of emotional intelligence. I'm just afraid of being too unwell for those qualities to shine through, or just failing in any way and hurting the child.

Another thing is that I've cared for people and animals all my life...in one way, I'm afraid I may have already exhausted myself...

I don't know, it's a really hard question for me and I feel pressured by time to decide. Not from societal norms, I couldn't care less, just from myself. I'm afraid of my time being up and me regretting not having had kids in the future. I'm also afraid of having them and regretting for whatever reason.

I wish I could have a free trial of being a parent to know for sure if it is for me. Having to go in blind for a life altering decision that will also affect another person for the rest of their life is daunting to say the least.

 

[NoPoint2Life]

I realized when I was about 16 I didn't want kids. Not that it was ever something I dreamt about to begin with. But I realized as an only child I knew nothing about children and honestly, I don't really even have that maternal instinct. I'm more selfish.

I think I have held a baby two times in my life. It was nerve-racking.

And yes, I have definitely felt the need to defend myself. Someone once actually said to me- but who's gonna take care of you when you get older? I said I don't know and in fact, it's one of the things I'm scared about and a good reason, I don't want to get any older. I guess it was probably mostly coworkers that I had to defend myself with. I just said it wasn't my thing. They kind of joked I hated kids which I don't, I just have absolutely no idea how to act around them.

It's such a sensitive topic to bring up these days. So many people have infertility issues and asking them about having children can bring them to tears. So I firmly believe you should never ask another person about their children situation. Those of us don't want any don't wanna have to defend it and you don't wanna make other people feel worse than they already do. I hope if anyone ever questioned me about it now that I wouldn't be too flustered and would have the nerve to say it's a very personal question and they shouldn't be asking.

 

[derpyderpins]

Less and less every day. Unless I get my own shit together it's a terrible idea.

 

[saultissad]

Absolutely not, like 90% of my issues can be traced to my genetics or childhood. Even ignoring the ethics of dooming some poor kid by being their parent, I do not think I could emotionally handle being in a parental role. I am so toxic and developmentally fucked that I could cope with being a dad maybe halfway through the pre-natal period before ending it.

 

[Namelesa]

I have had thoughts about wanting to adopt in the future if I was to live but I probably wouldn't be a good enough mother as I can't take care of myself and I would feel responsible if anything bad happens to them. I am anti-natilist so I won't want to have biological children and even if I wasn't I still not have children cus that child would probably be trans (only saying this cus I don't want be the cause of someone having to deal with the problems I have faced as a trans person) and/or suffer with BPD from my genetics. I do have my want to care for something met through caring for my dog and being a caregiver to my friend when he age regresses which I think is best for me to stick with cus if I were to adopt I would have to worry about so many more things, especially education as I suffered so much with it myself.

 

[coolgal82]

yes but i cant cus and i fucking hate it. i wish i could be a mother so bad. (also even if i was cis i still wouldnt be able to cus i'd need someone to love me enough to like be the other half in making it, although like i would just willingly take a sperm donation and be a single mother if i had to and work on that later idk)

 

[Jarni]

I only wanted children for a few days in my life when I was really in love. But I know very well that it's just a biological trap and that I never wanted real children. the idea of a child is not a real child...

 

[Forever Sleep]

the idea of a child is not a real child...

This is so important I think. With regards to other things in life too. I think I'm sort of or at least was, in love with the idea of being in love. I'm not sure the real thing would be so fairy tale.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I put Yes but I'm far more of a maybe. I think it would be incredibly fulfilling to raise one and to see them grow into a fully functional and successful human that would go on to even have children of their own. Seeing a little version of yourself and your partner running around exploring all the beauty of the world… That kind of feeling just can't be recreated with pets. I'm also incredibly selfish so I'm not so sure adoption would hit quite the same but maybe if I had no choice I would do it.

I think being a parent is actually incredibly difficult though especially these days with how expensive it is and how hard it is to keep children away from all the worst parts of modern technology and I doubt I'm actually cut out for it anyway.

Actually what I would want even more than being a parent is to be a grandparent. I think seeing a big family all gathered around together happily that's all there because of you is actually way way more fulfilling than just being a parent but it's too bad you have to be a parent first.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

No, there has never once been a time where I have wanted children. During childhood, I was so confused at why people procreated and I could tell that they were doing it for selfish reasons although I wasn't an antinatalist immediately. I am an antinatalist now though and I'd say that I'm an antinatalist to the point where I'd rather harm myself significantly if it ensures that I wouldn't procreate. Of course it'd be better if it didn't have to lead like that as I don't want to harm myself or a new sentient being. I will never want to procreate. I also don't want a child from adopting either as, whilst that is the more noble thing that a parent can do, it just isn't for me because my life is so fucked and I can't even take care of myself yet alone others

 

[TheHolySword]

Yes and no. I've gone back and forth on this a thousand times. The truth is that in an ideal world I would want to, but this is not an ideal world and I am not an ideal parent. I am an aunt to my sister's baby and that is everything I would ever want to be. My brother tells me often he might want to have kids one day and it breaks my heart that they will never know me.

 

[Asleepatlast]

I've never really had a very strong desire to have children. I do feel a maternal instinct to care for and protect them- when I've been around them but (maybe unusually,) I've never had a great desire to have my own. I'm grateful for that because, it makes it easier to lean towards anti-natilism which I feel is absolutely the right decision for me.

I very briefly saw a therapist in my early 30's who asked me the question. She said maybe I didn't want children because my childhood had been pretty painful. Maybe it would remind me too much of my (deceased) mother. I didn't like to say it was because it was more that I didn't want them ending up as unhappy as me and- I'm fairly certain they would.

I suppose I could understand the question. It's probably a fairly common desire of people of that age. Still, it also made me feel a bit annoyed in a way. Like- that's a potential solution. Have a child. Bring purpose into your life. Like a living, feeling, emotional crutch. What about the child's life?!! Why would it be good for them to have a mother like me? I think I'm being a much better mother leaving my unborn children where they are.

I don't know how common that is really. Especially for women. I've known and known of quite a few women who were almost obsessive about becoming mothers. I suppose also, I was pretty fixated on a career. Plus, I was never attractive enough to have a partner so, the actual practicalities weren't there as an option for me!

I'm curious to know though- how many people here feel that biological drive. If you don't, do you ever wonder why?

Also, as a side note, for those who have chosen not to have children, have you ever found yourself almost having to defend why? That's happened a few times to me. It's made me realise that maybe it isn't all that normal! It's been kind of weird though. Plus, kind of hard to hold back the full anti-natilist reasoning without insulting them.

I never had a strong desire, either, and I think it was at least, in part, related to my childhood.

I do have some other reasons I think contributed but I think it was less not having a desire and more not being raised to have one and just feeling in survival mode for so long. But eventually I really started to realize I think I would have loved to be a mother and it breaks my heart that I missed out.

I don't think it makes you abnormal. It's a normal response to your situation and our culture is not very maternally oriented in general. I don't think it's so much something we are born with but need to have a strong maternal bond ourselves to have more of a desire to be mothers.

Even in the wild if animals don't have appropriate mother bonds or it's their first time they can end up botching it. There isn't really a maternal instinct. That's just a myth society perpetuates. It takes exposure and experiences.

 

[theolivanderroach]

I'm asexual and antinatalist. I kind of realized I was both by age 16. I never imagined myself having babies. Even as a child I hated baby dolls and always preferred playing with stuffed animals.

 

[Pluto]

 

[-nobodyknows-]

Yes.

 

[S like suicide]

I dreamed of having my own loving family but I am not sure this dream will ever come true.

 

[HereIGoAgain24]

I don't desire children for reasons, some more specific than others. I've simply never felt the need/drive to, they're incredibly expensive to raise (at a time when wages are stagnating and for all but the upper class and prices are rising), they take so much time and patience to raise well, I'm prone to losing my cool in the chaotic situations which children naturally invite, and I have any real drive to get married- while I can't fathom raising a kid by myself. The most damning thing, though, is that our world is only getting bleaker (I honestly expect societal collapse), and it feels horrifying to bring a child into that. If this were another point- a more prosperous time, one with a more secure future... I'd be a bit more open to it, though.
For what it's worth, I DO enjoy games like Harvest Moon that let you raise a child.

 

[SilentSadness]

I really don't understand people who want children, I have absolutely no desire to impose suffering on beings created from the void and to spend every day working for it. There is absolutely nothing likeable or beneficial about having children to me. It's the whole reason why people suffer in the first place, and there is no justification for having children. There is no need to justify being child-free.

 

[yowai]

I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to care for them like they deserve because of my autism, I can barely take care of my self so it'd be terrifying having a person conpletely dependent on me to survive. When I get really depressed I sometimes even wish my pets disappeared because it takes so much effort to keep them clean and happy, if that happened with a baby and I got detached and distant it would traumatise them. And what if they inherited my mental health issues as well? I thought about it a few times when I'm with my partner but there's just so many things against me having one lol. And I wouldn't be able to ctb any time I want

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

It seems only around 31% said yes so to me that shows wanting children is not an instinct like they constantly tell us. It's learned

Thirst for water is an instinct.

I would never want to have children as a male chimp that I am. I'm just cells a brain that can suffer unbearable pain

They have told me that I have to want children and a gf . I ask why do I have to want a gf or children and they get a look like a deer in the headlights

 

[ConstantPain]

I'm a solid no on wanting children and have always been. No maternal instinct with human babies, they just stress me out. Taking care of kittens or baby opossums on the other hand has brought me some of my greatest joy.
I've been married for 16 years and together for 22 with the same man and we have been pressured quite a bit to have one. His family even went so far as to try to guilt us with the argument that his family name will die out. I only ever thought of that as selfishness and I didn't take the stupid name anyways, ha ha. I never cared what anyone besides my husband thought and I told him very early in the relationship to not waste his time with me if he wanted them. He and I have a lot of issues but not having kids is probably the best decision we ever made. I used to wonder just a little bit if I'd regret it eventually but I'm close to 50 and I can't imagine ever regretting it now. I'm actually super thankful and somewhat proud to know I will never create a human life.

 

[Forveleth]

I decided when I was still a child myself that I didn't want children and I have never wavered on that decision my entire life (I'm 40 now).

 

[DeadEndRoad]

I don't want my kids to grow up the same way I did. Living in poverty, surrounded by violence and addiction. Stealing food. You can't live in mud and come out clean. I'm tainted. And I can't help but wonder if people can see that.

 

[vanibless]

Yes but I think I just like the idea of it. idk If I have instincts..I can't really care about anyone let alone have a child

 

[Praestat_Mori]

No. I never had the desire, I never had the intention to become a father.

 

[needthebus]

no, my parents were abusive and id be afraid of biological children having their personalities

i thought about being a foster parent to girls or a girl, but i am so sad and suicidal i'll probably never do that because it would be unethical

if i had met the right person it may have happened, but i feel i am on my way out

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

Fuck no; never.